Monday, October 13, 2014

Butting Out of My Daughter's Life


Well here it is October of Hannah's 6th grade year.  Of course the old cliché applies.  How did this happen?  How is my child a "middle schooler".  To be honest this means nothing to me in the way that it should.  It means that my little girl is growing up and over the course of a few short months her entire life has changed.  Her life...yes, school is her life. I say that so that I can place the importance on school that it deserves.  A student is what my 11 year old is at this moment in time.  It makes up so much of what she focuses on both academically and socially.  It is the place that she is learning to function in the "real world".  So what does being a middle schooler mean to me?  It does not mean to me that my child is ready to face things with more autonomy.  It does not mean to me that I need to "butt out" and let her figure things out on her own. But doesn't it? These are the questions that I am contemplating right now.  This move has been much more difficult for me than it has been for her.  I promise. 

So the question remains... How much involvement is required in her life right now?  Now, we all know that I am a very involved and quite overprotective mom.  I know I am this way and up until recently it really hasn’t mattered.  All "elementary kids" benefit from an involved parent.  The elementary staff loves parental involvement.  This has always worked out wonderfully for me, since I enjoy being front row in Hannah's life watching with love and wonder as she grows and learns.  But, a new era has started and this Momma is going to have to adjust. Deep breath.  Change.  It's just change.  I love change...Okay, I hate change!  I especially hate change that means I have to let go a little. But, I can change and that is what is important.  The problem for me is deciding how to change and what exactly is needed from me at this point in her life.  I mean sometimes I feel like I am the only mother struggling with these issues.  I see other moms who go about their daily lives being perfect at this mothering thing.  They duck and weave, roll with the punches, and execute this juggling act masterfully.  Then there is me.  I am stumbling and praying.  I am probably on God's nerves just a little with as much as I talk to him about Hannah and this job he entrusted me with.  He is probably really wishing he had just left me with my fur babies at this point.  Seriously, it is hard for me. I want to be a great mother and I'm not always sure that I am doing it right.

Middle school has been fabulous.  The teachers are wonderful.  She is learning so much.  She comes home everyday very excited about her activities.  The faux "real life" drama has started during non-class times.  You know...the "he wrote me this note", "she is so dramatic, but we are friends"… She is figuring out how to navigate various personalities.  Her standards are being tested and she is making decisions daily about who she is and what she will and will not find acceptable.  It is really quite fascinating to watch your children grow.  So much learning takes place outside the classroom at school.  But, with middle school there have been a couple hiccups.  I guess those are kind of part of the learning process too.  Which brings me to my point.  My child is experiencing "life".  She is learning to hurdle obstacles and how to respond to people and situations.  It is very hard for me to let her do this without me.  I have not been able to figure out how to protect her from negativity.  I wanted her to get elected to student council and my heart was broken when she was bummed out about it.  I want her to only have positive interactions with people and it breaks my heart when I feel like she has to endure an unnecessary negative one.  I don’t want her to have D-Hall because she cant get to her locker, poor baby, but she got it.  I want her to master every academic challenge thrown at her, but she still struggles with a few things and I feel helpless to solve her problems for her. OH MY GOODNESS! What is that you say God?  It is not my place to solve her problems for her?  WHAT?  I am her mother!  Yes...yes.  I know I have been praying for your guidance and here I sit in Connect and you decide to slap me in the face with this while I am trying to lead a small group for the first time! Really God?  Sigh.  Okay. Okay... I'm listening to the actual words coming out of my mouth.  Words that I thought you meant for these middle school girls not me.  Yes my fellow parents God did this to me Sunday.

I excitedly approached the youth building for Connect, what my church calls Sunday School.  Earlier in the week I had been asked to sub for a class that does not have a leader.  Now, I have been praying about God's guidance on this topic.  I have wanted to lead a small group, but I didn’t want to be presumptuous or cause any awkwardness by asking and being told, "Uhm, no."  So I just volunteered in the capacity I had been asked and continued to pray that if God wanted me to lead a group he would open the door to that possibility.  When the text came through asking me to help I was just ecstatic.  Of course, this is a huge thing, to lead children at church.  It is a responsibility I don’t take lightly at all.  So, when I got my material for Sunday I reviewed it numerous times.  I read and re-read the verses, went over the study material's objectives, and prayed that God give me the right words for these girls.  Large group started and our youth pastor began to teach on the scripture.  I really enjoyed the lesson as I always do, and my stomach flipped a little when he dismissed us to small group.  I followed my girls upstairs to the room where we would further discuss the lesson the youth pastor had presented. 

I start out with an introduction and told the girls how excited I was to be leading them today.  They were so beautiful and very sweet to me. We jumped right into the lesson.  I explained to the girls that I loved to talk and visit, but I was serious about God and I knew that he wanted us to keep our discussions focused on him and his place in our daily lives. I explained how this would help them make better decisions and understand everyday things better.  They were very excited and we began our discussion.  Now, the weeks lesson was about when Jesus was with the disciples in a boat and the storm came. Jesus was asleep and they became fearful.  Jesus awoke and calmed the storms.  Our youth pastor had touched on something in large group that resonated with me.  I began the discussion by making sure everyone understood that we were going to talk about this physical storm in relation to our "life storms".  The girls began to open up and share some of their personal struggles.  Then I began to speak to them and God simultaneously began to connect the dots of my over protective mom dilemma. "Girls, like Brandon said earlier.  Sometimes God asks you to get in the boat and the storm still comes.  Sometimes even as Christians bad things happen to us...divorce, bullying, loss.  How do you all feel about that?"  The girls gave wonderful thoughtful answers about trusting God, and I pushed forward.  "But, there are times when things happen that we feel are unfair.  I want you girls to understand that God is not concerned with your comfort level. He is concerned with your eternity.  When we get really comfortable in life...we tend to not feel as though we need God in the center of things.  Another thing is that we don’t always seem to get is that God's will surpasses our understanding.  Sometimes we are looking at the immediate, but God is looking at the long term.  Sometimes you feel like a door is shut, but God is opening up the opportunity to serve him better and grow closer to him.  Maybe he is putting you in a circumstance to share God's message with someone who needs it.  We have to stop asking God for what we want and ask him instead for what he wants."  I took a deep breath and realized that I had accepted this for myself, but I had not yet accepted it for Hannah. THE LIGHTBULB WAS SHINING SO BRIGHT OVER MY HEAD I HAD TO SQUINT.

Over the last few weeks I have prayed to God at length about giving Hannah over to him.  I want him to have her and do with her life what he sees fit, but I really didn’t feel that way.  What I was saying to God is, Will you please make sure this child I love never suffers and that life comes really easy to her. Let her get good grades, go to a great college, meet the perfect Christian man at the perfect time, marry, have beautiful little babies, and die peacefully surrounded by loved ones at a very old age.   But, in this moment God revealed to me that an easy and perfect life may not prepare my child for what he has planned for her.  He showed me that smooth seas don't make skillful sailors.  I know it sounds silly and I "knew this", but God helped me to understand this in this moment when I was trying to give understanding to a room of middle school girls.  You see it is similar to knowing about Jesus and knowing who Jesus really is.  If you have experienced salvation that will make perfect sense to you. 


Suddenly I realized that I need to let go a little where it concerns Hannah.  He wants me to really give her to him.  Allow him to let her experience life...the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He wants me to allow him to help her learn to navigate these things.  Now, I do realize Hannah is just 11, and I still play a huge role in her life.  No worries I am not kicking her out of the house tonight.  I am just going to work on backing off a little bit and allow her how to make decisions and understand consequences without me interceding and "making it all ok".  After all when she leaves our home for college her curriculum wont be the only thing she faces.  She will need to be able to trust herself and the decisions she will make in her life.  Hopefully, when she is really confused she will always know Moma is just a phone call away (only if she really needs me)...