tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19330773215849365852024-02-18T20:35:41.721-08:00Who am I to say?Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-33121095762192919802020-02-03T16:41:00.000-08:002020-02-03T17:35:28.463-08:00My Daughter: Your body. Your choice. <div class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1">I’m sitting across from my 16 year old daughter on her bed that is on the floor. She decided she didn’t want a bed frame. I have no idea why not, but I pick my battles. One being the dried food in a bowl beside her bed. “Take that to the kitchen. It’s gross!” <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I tell her slightly frustrated. She laughs, but complies. I feel like everyday of motherhood has become more complex as she heads full force into womanhood. Simple things like teaching her the ABCs has evolved into complex things like what it means to become a woman in today’s society. I will pause here and make sure everyone knows I am a Christian. I’m probably one of the most flawed women you will ever meet, but I’ve been saved by the grace of God and I do my best to live out my faith everyday, this includes mothering my only child. My daughter. Back to my story, <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>we continue to lie in her bed surrounded by the clutter that doesn’t seem visible to her. I make it a point to come in her<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>room before bed and just chat with her in the evenings. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s during these times we both feel at ease and the conversation flows easily. That is not always the case. As she has grown and tried to establish who she is I’ve felt her gently pushing me away. It’s a completely normal thing, I suppose. I mean we all do it. We grow, we stretch, and eventually we outgrow and become independent of the people who gave us life. As normal as it may be... it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face in my adult life. I guess that is another blog post. I think this space, her bedroom, is her domain. It’s a safe place and one where she does feel comfortable talking bluntly, so I step over the dirty laundry, I ignore the empty chip bag in the floor, and I sit with her in this place and we talk. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Tonight we are going over the events of the day and her eyes get big, “Momma. I forgot to tell you. A girl at school sent a nude photo and it got shared today. She was really upset. I felt really bad for her.” <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>My heart sinks and I say a little prayer for this girl. I don’t know her situation, but I know her life is in turmoil this very moment and I want to hug her. I want to tell her that she made a mistake, but we all make them. I want her to know that this moment will pass and it will be okay. I also bite my tongue as I want to jump into the whole speech with Hannah about not sending anything on your phone you wouldn’t want put on a billboard. However, I’ve learned that kind of reaction creates frustration and leads to what I call a “shutdown”. A shutdown is where my daughter feels like I think she is stupid and can’t think for herself. It’s a moment where she stops sharing because she doesn’t want another lecture... one she has heard before. So, I just reply with sympathy and continue to listen. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">A few moments pass and the topic is still on my heart. How can I help her process this? What can I say that will resonate with her heart. I want her to understand that I too was a young girl, eager to fit in. I wanted to be beautiful and for boys to think I was “hot”. This youthful stage of life is filled with curiosity and fueled by hormones. Heck, I’m almost 40 years old and I still very much understand hormones. I have a smoking hot sex life with my husband. Is that too much information? Well, probably not in today’s society where nothing is off limits. I share this very personal tidbit because it’s important for people to understand that you can be a Christian woman who values modesty and still have a very passionate love affair with your husband. It’s important that as a mother I help my daughter understand this part of her, this desire she has, is not bad. Sex is a gift God gave us. It is a way to connect to your husband in a way that you can’t connect with any other human being. It is pleasurable. It is beautiful. It is sacred. So I do my best to broach the subject and pour my heart out to this beautiful young woman who God has entrusted me with. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">“Hannah. You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful young woman. You have the right to do whatever you want with your life and your body. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s yours and you are fully in control of the choices you make”. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I pause and look for her reaction. She is listening intently. I can see that she likes the direction this conversation is going. There is a bit of confidence and willfulness in her eyes. This statement has empowered her as it should. I continue, “With that right also comes a responsibility.“ She briefly looks down and blinks. We are at a crossroad. I silently ask God to take over my words and to open her heart. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">The words start to flow from me and I know that they are a mixture of love and raw honesty. You see her body is hers and she can make any choice she wants, but every choice she makes will come with consequences. Those consequences can range from physical to emotional, most likely a mixture of both. In a world set on telling my daughter that she can do whatever she wants with her body <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>through sexualized songs, TV shows, and social media celebrities pushing a constant message of empowerment through exploitation, <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I must sit here and tell her it’s all garbage. All of it. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">You see in a world who profits from making her feel like her value is in her physical body stripped down and on display for approval I have to remind her that her value is found in God. I have to be the one who explains to her that she can go on keto, do crunches until her stomach cramps, and sacrifice all of her time and energy to achieve a rocking hot body to gain the approval of this world, but she will never find true fulfillment and will actually be left empty if she needs men to want her and other women to envy her body. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I stop and tell her about my love story with her dad. I tell her that when her dad and I first met he thought I was beautiful and I’m certain his hormones kicked it, (gross mom), but the way he looked at me was one of genuine love. He wanted to hear my thoughts and know the goals I had for my life. He wanted to build a relationship with me that had nothing to do with sex. When I was with him I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. We built a strong foundation for the love affair that would come. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I want her to understand, without a doubt, that the best decision I ever made was to have one lover, her father. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I go on to explain that I know my opinion, in an ocean of opinions that directly contradict it, <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>is most certainly the unpopular one. I encourage her to feed her body healthy foods and to care for her physical body along with her spiritual health. I remind her that no matter what she chooses I will love her always. I end the conversation by making sure she understands with any right or wrong choice one will most certainly face the consequences both good and bad. I make sure she understands that the young boy she will marry, out there in this world right now, has an equal responsibility to make good choices and I hope his parents are teaching him the things I am trying to instill in her. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I pray that she finds value in herself outside of the things this world values. I hope if I teach her nothing else I teach her to stand up for what is right even when this world makes fun of her for it. Because at the end of the day she has to live with the consequences of her choices. No one else. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I love Proverbs 31:25 as cliche as it may be. I pray for my daughters future daily and I know that she is a child of God. No matter what she faces my heart is calmed by this knowledge. </span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-55728777648611344942019-12-28T15:11:00.000-08:002019-12-28T15:20:43.386-08:00Budgeting the Jodie Way<div class="WordSection1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; page: WordSection1;">
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Okay. Budgeting. A word most people love as much as dieting because they both require some pre-planning and discipline. I’m only really great at the pre-planning part. The discipline part hurts. LOL</div>
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I want to start by saying again, I am no financial expert. Seriously. I’ve had no training in this area other than some really tough OJT. The school of hard knocks I suppose. So, with that said if you are some financial wizard with a degree in finance this ain’t the blog post for you. Also, for everyone else… please know this is not scientific (lol) so take any tips that help you. If you need real help with finances, please consult someone who knows what they are doing. </div>
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As many of you know James and I started life out together with pretty much less than $1.00 in our checking account that first week back from our honeymoon. Neither of us had been taught a lot about budgeting. My parents never budgeted (and it showed). James parents did, but he relied heavily on them to take his check, pay for things, and give him spending money. That worked really well for him as a young man, but after we married it was difficult to put all the pieces together, not to mention we were poor, so the pieces were limited. This is also why I am very passionate about teaching Hannah. She knows our income. She knows our bills. She knows how we budget and why we do it. </div>
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Fast forward twenty years, a lot of unexpected catastrophes from illness to job loss and a lot of successes we have been able to learn the importance of budgeting and really what works for us. A few things in my budgeting is from Dave Ramsey’s plan. However, zero balanced budget is very rigorous and hard to stay consistent with. Again, it’s like being a strict diet. You feel like if you mess up one time then to heck with it! So, I learned for us that slow and steady would win the race. I will say that if we do make a credit purchase, which Dave’s plan frowns upon, I will go into a temporary “snowball” mode to pay if off as quickly as possible. Overall avoid credit, but it is a part of our society and most people do utilize it. So instead of just saying, “You suck if you have a credit balance” I say just be smart. </div>
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James and I get paid biweekly on the same day. I used to hate this because at one time we were paid opposite, and it felt like it was “easier” to pay the bills that way. It really wasn’t. It just helped me to be more disciplined with our spending because I didn’t have it in the account all at once to spend. I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true. Being paid all at once can lead you to have a big lump sum in your account and that makes you feel more comfortable splurging. So, because of that behavior I had to really sit down and look at a bigger picture. Again, with no experience that can be hard. Like when someone tells you to “just push away from the table” when you voice a need to lose weight; one might say “just pay your bills”. Well, it takes a little more planning and again discipline to do that in a way that will serve your family in the long run.</div>
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That is really what it is all about. Serving your family. I have horrible anxiety. I think in a way that condition serves me well when it comes to money because I am always prepared for the worst. Seriously, I think about loss of job, illness, and death on a daily. So, when I go to purchase something, I factor in the anxiety that will accompany the monthly payments and that keeps me in check. James doesn’t share this with me. LOL. He is more of a big item spender. I am more of a “piddler spender”. I will $5, $10, and $15 us to death. Sometimes I wish I was more like him because at least he has some cool new gadget to show for the money he spends. I have a room of old lamps. Seriously. It is important to assess your relationship with money. What kind of spender are you? What are you okay doing without and what is something you are more impulsive about? For me, travel is huge. Like I become a millionaire if the topic of planning a trip comes up. Sure! Book the condo! Book the flight! Just do it! Lets see some place we’ve never seen before, I say while wearing my 10 year old jeans, Wal-Mart t-shirt, and off brand Toms I got at Target on clearance. You see I could care less about name brand clothes. I’ve come to understand these habits about myself, James, and Hannah. They know mine. This way we can all three keep each other in check. </div>
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The last thing I will talk about before sharing the budget is the allowance. This seems to intrigue most people who know we do this. I must give credit where it is due. Cornelius Hall is the person who started me on allowances probably 16 years ago. I was working as a Case Manager, and I am sure I was complaining about my husband purchasing something I hadn’t budgeted for back in the days when a bottled drink purchase would have put us in the negative! LOL. He turned around, in the most Cornelius way, and said, “Jodie a grown man who works shouldn’t have to call his wife for permission to buy a coke. The same way you should have some money that is yours too”. He went on to explain how he and his wife would budget an allowance each week. That money would be like a recurring bill they factored in up front. They cash is withdrawn, given to that person, and they do as they choose with it. It was genius! So, we started this, and it really made a huge difference. I think only last year did I give us a cost of living raise. Also, this helps to cut down on a crazy bank transaction register/ statement. That log should be as clean as possible so you can really see where you are spending your money outside of bills. I promise when you start the allowance, you will quickly see where you are bleeding money… it’s the small purchases that add up. </div>
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Okay the budget (Jodie’s kinda made up method):</div>
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<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">Add up ALL your expenses. Note I didn’t say bills. You need to sit down and do an honest calculation of every single penny you spend. Include your recurring bills, utilities, living expenses, right down to the toilet paper. This may hard as you’ve always just bought these things without really considering the cost. I mean everyone must have TP, so why stress over it. Well, you need to know how much it cost you to live… ALL of it.</li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">Determine your bring home. So, this can be hard as well. If you are salaried you pretty much know your bring home. If you are hourly and have the option to work overtime, it can vary. James works a lot of overtime. My method here is that we only use base salary. I never project a budget with overtime factored in. More about projected budget soon.</li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">The next step when you first start is a little scary. What is the difference? Are you bringing home more than you are spending? Seems like a crazy question, but if you’ve factored in everything you will notice that the number you <i>thought</i> were your bills is a lot less than your actual expenses. If you then go back and add up all the small charges you aren’t accounting for on top of that your difference in bring home and spending may look bleak. Don’t worry… slow and steady wins the race. If that number is not what you want it to be you need to go look at everything that is not essential, all the unaccounted for spending, and anything else you can remove from the equation and do just that. Stop it. Stop the cable, stop the Netflix, stop the in-app purchases and movie rentals. Stop the fast food. Just stop it all. It sucks and your family will hate you. Welcome to budgeting. LOL. It is only temporary as you get your hands around things. </li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">Once you have your numbers and you’ve eliminated the unnecessary spending you need to come up with an allowance for each family member. That number is up to you according to the amount of money you have to work with. You may start small then give raises for financial milestones met. Make it fun (as fun as possible). The allowance will give some freedom back to your family members and will make budgeting easier for you in the long run as you run your numbers with each session. This is so important. IF YOU SPEND YOUR ALLOWANCE YOU GET NO MORE UNTIL THE ALLOTED TIME. PERIOD. So brown bag that lunch and drink from the water fountain. Eventually you will learn to make it last. <o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">Set up a schedule that you will budget. I do this bi-weekly on payday. </li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">For this process I do the following. <span style="font-size: 11pt;">I have a mutli-tab spreadsheet.</span></li>
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<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><u style="font-size: 11pt;">Tab 1</u><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> is all our expenses and their due day each month; if it credit I have a pay off amount and projected pay off date with it. This lets me know where I am at with paying things like our house and cars off completely. It helps me to determine where I want to put extra money for fast pay off. DR will always encourage you to choose the smallest amount to pay off first regardless of interest. In most cases I agree with that. I gray out any loan/ credit line I’ve paid off, but keep it visible as a reminder to not partake in credit… It reminds me of the hard work I put in to eliminate that bill which encourages me to keep my money in my account</span><span style="font-family: "segoe ui emoji" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">😊</span></li>
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<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><u style="font-size: 11pt;">Tab 2</u><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> is a ledger that I have formulas set up on. I basically have formatted this sheet to currency and can easily add my + and – amounts to easily balance my funds each session. At this point I am aware of what I have in my checking and when I can make an extra payment towards a credit line and/or move money to savings. I like to keep a certain amount in the checking account for easy access</span></li>
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<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Tip: If you suffer from poor self-control, as most of us do, do NOT link your savings to your checking. Make it really hard to get to your savings.</span></li>
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<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">I also project two weeks in advance on this tab. I keep it at two weeks because moving out past that the numbers start to be a little off and you don’t want to give yourself a false sense of security; especially until you adjust to budgeting. You will not meet budget at first, folks. It will take some adjustments so be patient. </span></li>
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<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><u style="font-size: 11pt;">Tab 3</u><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> long term projections/ goals. This tab is a little more removed from reality. But it gives me a goal to shoot for. So, if I follow a strict budget, I could be here in 6 months to a year. It can help with long term debt pay off plans and also helps you to see where you need to be if you are saving for something like a family vacation (please budget this in… yes add it up, and break it down to a monthly payment so you have cash to pay for it- If possible. If not just plan for any credit you use in your long-term plans).</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.666666984558105px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<ul style="font-family: uictfonttextstylebody; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Tab 4 overages- more to come on that</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.666666984558105px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<ul style="font-family: uictfonttextstylebody; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Each budget session you will:</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Review your projections for the period</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Input the actual currency amounts- bring home and expenses for the period</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Pay all the required expenses for the period</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Make a determination of any extras you want to pay (if you can) and/or move money to savings</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Update your projections for the following two weeks</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">VERY IMPORTANT- calculate any overages or unplanned expenses for the budgeting period</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Input those into your overages tab line by line and label them (food, entertainment,</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Sort and group them to determine how much you went over your projected budget and on what</span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">This allows you to start seeing where </span></li>
<li class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.546667098999023px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">UNPLANNED money is going so you can hold yourself accountable and stop.</span></li>
</ul>
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That is it. I think. I hope this helps. Remember that it will get easier with time. As you get disciplined and pay things off you will have more room to wiggle. You will start really appreciating being proactive and not reactive to things. When you get comfortable then consider investments and such. </div>
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Also when you can…use your 401K, HSA, and GIFT plans if those are options for you. These really help put money away pre-tax and keeps it earmarked for important things that you need in life. It may take a little time, but those should be “next steps” before investments and such. </div>
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Expenses/ pay off plan tab</div>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="border-collapse: collapse; height: 127px !important; transform-origin: 0px 0px; transform: scale(0.5412574808789888); width: 672px;"><tbody>
<tr style="height: 21.75pt;"><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border: 1pt solid windowtext; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 157pt;" width="209"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Item<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: solid solid solid none; border-top-color: windowtext; border-top-width: 1pt; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 48pt;" width="64"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Due Day<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: solid solid solid none; border-top-color: windowtext; border-top-width: 1pt; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 56pt;" width="75"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Payment Amt<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: solid solid solid none; border-top-color: windowtext; border-top-width: 1pt; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 74pt;" width="99"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Type<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: solid solid solid none; border-top-color: windowtext; border-top-width: 1pt; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 59pt;" width="79"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Pay off Balance<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: solid solid solid none; border-top-color: windowtext; border-top-width: 1pt; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 110pt;" width="147"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Payoff Plan<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 21.75pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 157pt;" width="209"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
House<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 48pt;" width="64"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
1<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 56pt;" width="75"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
$x.00<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 74pt;" width="99"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
Mortgage<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 59pt;" width="79"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
$x.00<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 110pt;" width="147"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
15 years<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 21.75pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 157pt;" width="209"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
Car<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 48pt;" width="64"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
10<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 56pt;" width="75"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
$x.00<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 74pt;" width="99"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
Vehicle<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 59pt;" width="79"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
$x.00<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 110pt;" width="147"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
2 years<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 21.75pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 157pt;" width="209"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
Entergy<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 48pt;" width="64"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
15<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 56pt;" width="75"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
$x.00<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 74pt;" width="99"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
Utility<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 59pt;" width="79"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
NA<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 21.75pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 110pt;" width="147"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Recurring<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Ledger</div>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="border-collapse: collapse; height: 115px !important; transform-origin: 0px 0px; transform: scale(0.732); width: 500px;"><tbody>
<tr style="height: 25.5pt;"><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border: 1pt solid windowtext; height: 25.5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 56pt;" width="75"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Date<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: solid solid solid none; border-top-color: windowtext; border-top-width: 1pt; height: 25.5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 159pt;" width="212"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Item<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: solid solid solid none; border-top-color: windowtext; border-top-width: 1pt; height: 25.5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 80pt;" width="107"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Amount<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td><td style="background-color: #a6a6a6; border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: solid solid solid none; border-top-color: windowtext; border-top-width: 1pt; height: 25.5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 80pt;" width="107"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b>Balance<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 15pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 56pt;" valign="bottom" width="75"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
10-Dec<o:p></o:p></div>
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Income<o:p></o:p></div>
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($x.00)<o:p></o:p></div>
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($x.00)<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 15pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 56pt;" valign="bottom" width="75"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
12-Dec<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 159pt;" valign="bottom" width="212"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Expense<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 80pt;" valign="bottom" width="107"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
($x.00)<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 80pt;" valign="bottom" width="107"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
($x.00)<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 15pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 56pt;" valign="bottom" width="75"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
14-Dec<o:p></o:p></div>
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Expense<o:p></o:p></div>
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($x.00)<o:p></o:p></div>
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($x.00)<o:p></o:p></div>
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16-Dec<o:p></o:p></div>
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Expense<o:p></o:p></div>
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($x.00)<o:p></o:p></div>
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($x.00)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
The goal sheet is a combination of the two with associated goals. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Overages- this may be a movie rental, grocery budget overage, or fast food, etc. </div>
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<b>Amount<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>Type<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<tr style="height: 15pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 48pt;" valign="bottom" width="64"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
5.38<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 75.95pt;" valign="bottom" width="101"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Entertainment<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr style="height: 15pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 48pt;" valign="bottom" width="64"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
2.99<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 75.95pt;" valign="bottom" width="101"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Entertainment<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 15pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 48pt;" valign="bottom" width="64"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
15.38<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 75.95pt;" valign="bottom" width="101"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Food<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 15pt;"><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-left-color: windowtext; border-left-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 48pt;" valign="bottom" width="64"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: right;">
16.11<o:p></o:p></div>
</td><td nowrap="" style="border-bottom-color: windowtext; border-bottom-width: 1pt; border-right-color: windowtext; border-right-width: 1pt; border-style: none solid solid none; height: 15pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 75.95pt;" valign="bottom" width="101"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Food<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
So here you can group and see trends in your unplanned spending. You can do by period, month, quarterly, etc.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
I do charts, but Im a bit of a nerd. Sooo… I’ll skip that part. LOL</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Happy budgeting. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.666666984558105px;"><br /></span></span></li>
</ul>
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-19507375288887421552019-09-12T19:40:00.002-07:002019-09-12T19:56:03.349-07:00Foreign Territory: We've Been Here Before <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I pull into our long driveway in silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No cars are parked in the drive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I push the button and the garage door slowly
retracts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sandy cat strolls up from the
deck with a long stretch, looking more perturbed that I’ve broken his slumber,
than happy to see me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He tangles himself
in between my ankles as a reminder that he is hungry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stop and fill up his bowl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The puppies are going crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their enthusiasm for my return seems a little
more authentic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Buddy is genuinely happy
I am home. Bean just wants me to fill his bowl too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all the animals are fed I look
around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can see where you left in a
hurry this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Packages from your
on the go breakfast and lunch are left behind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I pick up your mess gladly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
load the dishwasher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems that this
is what is left of motherhood, or what I have defined motherhood to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From the moment they handed you to me I have felt immense
happiness and a deep anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
mothers may not understand that second part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anytime you hear women talk about having children they share the
happiness part, but some are ashamed to talk about the anxieties this
incredible role places on a person; on a mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day I drove to the hospital, just me, a
normal young woman who had never considered the absolute terror of being
responsible for another human being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
left the hospital a “mother”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was
no test to pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There wasn’t a
competency checklist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one walked in
before I left and said, “Okay you are good to take her home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We feel like you are acceptably competent to
raise this human being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are by no
means proficient.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve included study
materials for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, we don’t think
you’ll kill her. Sign here.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nope! They
just handed you to me with some discharge paperwork and took me to the
car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dad was walking quietly behind
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I still recall the way the harsh sunlight hit my face when
they wheeled me out of the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
immediately looked down to see if the sun was in your eyes and adjusted your
blanket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily that occurred
instinctually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched as dad
nervously adjusted the car seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
worked and worked to get you clicked in safely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Finally we were loaded up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dad
was in the front seat and I was strapped in beside you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked up and saw dad’s eyes in the
rearview mirror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was just as
terrified as me, but was putting on a strong face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We left the circle drive and hit a bump.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My C-section incision seared with pain, but I didn’t care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked at you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Were you okay?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did that wake you up?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your tiny head was slumped over the car seat
strap; your underdeveloped neck muscles too weak to hold it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I reached down and gently pushed it
back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I held your head up the whole way
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The house I
walked back into seemed so foreign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everything was just as we left it, but none of it felt familiar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know where to set you down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know where to sit once I picked you
up out of the car seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just stood
there so…unsure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hours turned to days
and days to weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mothering during the
infant years was the hardest for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Listening to all the other mothers, old and young, I should know how to
decipher your cries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would know when
it was hunger, sleepiness, or pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was just crying and I would
have done anything to sooth you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think
I got my stride eventually. Dad says I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I probably worried and read more books on mothering than anyone else who
has ever given birth to a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wanted to mother you perfectly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it
was considered best practice, well that was what we were practicing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking back I am sure your enjoyed the short
reprieves from my over-mothering when you stayed with Maw and Aunt Robin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those visits were filled with ease of
atmosphere, yummy unhealthy foods, and lots of laughs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of me was terrified to what you were
exposed to, but there was a part of my heart that was so thankful for
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew you needed it and it just
wasn’t something I could give.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
couldn’t give it because in my mind to be the best mother I had to follow every
rule that pointed to what was right. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are 16 now
and this term as it applies to mothering is laughable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What in the world is right? Who knows?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who cares?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Right is not a standard that applies to all children across the
board.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right is something so dynamic
based on the people involved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In our
little world those people are dad, you, and me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our right can be and is so very different than the right of other
families we know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The beautiful thing
about a family is that love is always right and we’ve got so much of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I would have known this sooner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I wouldn’t have stressed out and
stressed you out over the stupidest things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wouldn’t have freaked out over the homework assignments you didn’t
quite understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t have been
so hard on you for being too talkative in class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t have forced you to take piano when
you made it clear you didn’t like it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
would have let you pick out more outfits because they made you feel pretty and
not because I thought they were cute and made you look like a kid that came
from a “good home”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted people to
know that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted you to be proud of
who you were and who I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to
be proud of it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So much of the silliness I inflicted on you over the years
came from some deep insecurities developed in my childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted so badly to be like the little girls
that came from good homes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted your
outfits to match and have pretty little bows to go with each of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I could do it all over again I would have
let you wear that same dress 3 or 4 times a week. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The one that made you feel like a
princess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have let you wear the
worn out white church sandals with the heel and the missing rhinestones
everyday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have done that because
I feel like maybe I took away a little bit of what makes you Hannah over the
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I toned you down and pushed you
in a box that the mother’s in our community created.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t be mad at them. After all they
created that box for the same reason I tried to jam you into it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They loved their daughters; however misguided
that can be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily you retained some
of the things that make you magical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
other night when I kissed your forehead and told you how glad I was that God
made you just as you are, your respond made me smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think God knew exactly what you needed when he made me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is why I am the way I am.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are so wise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are not perfect, but gosh you are so very
close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lately you have made some very grown up decisions and I am
blown away when you explain why you made them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are well thought out and intelligent. They give me hope that when
you do leave our home for college you will be more than prepared to handle
whatever life throws your way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have
made your commitment to God so apparent during these teenage years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know there are things you struggle
with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you have big questions and
life is hard during this season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heck,
life is hard in every season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You always
find a way to surprise me with how you process it all and then decisively do
what you know to be right, by God, and for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You do this with minimal instruction from me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I do thank God for you and I thank him for
knowing what I needed in a daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You will always be my baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know I say that to you all the time, but that love and anxiety that I
felt the day they handed you to me, and every milestone you’ve come up against
and conquered, is still very present in my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure it has changed as the obstacles of each
season of life have changed for both of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My worries now center on everything I might of done wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have I prepared you enough? Are you ready to
graduate and actually move out of this home I’ve spent so many years making for
you? Not only do I worry if you will make it, because I kind of know you will, after
all you are too smart not to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I really
about is… will you flourish? Will you find a great group of friends to lean on?
Will you find a college church group that you love attending and continue to
grow in your faith? Will you love college and find a career path that brings
you joy and purpose, but still support you financially?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you continue to mature, into this young woman before me, I
cant help but look around this big empty house, reminisce on the day that I
brought you home, and think to myself… how did this happen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I simultaneously ponder on the journey behind
us, the amazing life we celebrate each day, and the future before us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a little disoriented. I must admit that
this part of motherhood feels strangely like the first days I brought you
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look around and it is our
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all our things, yet the
people who fill it aren’t sitting in their places.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is foreign to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are out living your busy life, and I love
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But some days after the animals
are fed and the dishes are loaded in the dishwasher I just don’t know where to
sit down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what to cook for
dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how to best mother
you right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> A clumsy dance of hold on and let go ensues. </span>I don’t know what the perfect
response is to this season of motherhood is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What is that..Perfect? Yes, I I know. I agreed to let that concept go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you know me, kiddo. You know me better
than anyone else could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPWUd8GGJ201YmcoblXCLEOSjStlCF278A87T1F-60NF6SJyb6pCqdZqbQ5tOi0Ntv_lmOyVPMy6PnuZeWPrDTnhDPGA4zCiv9c8nPKaDSAWxEsKMbfC4TzQ-U9zTM5tIPHVyoeIPkH4E/s1600/IMG_6681.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="683" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPWUd8GGJ201YmcoblXCLEOSjStlCF278A87T1F-60NF6SJyb6pCqdZqbQ5tOi0Ntv_lmOyVPMy6PnuZeWPrDTnhDPGA4zCiv9c8nPKaDSAWxEsKMbfC4TzQ-U9zTM5tIPHVyoeIPkH4E/s320/IMG_6681.JPG" width="227" /></a></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-69174695001770881382016-05-25T06:45:00.001-07:002016-05-25T06:45:22.375-07:00It Was Burgers and Fries and Cherry Pies<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The bright orange sun reflected in the
tiny dust particles that flew from under the tires of the old Chevy truck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body jostled about as we hit the large potholes
in the old dirt road leading to my Paw’s simple farm home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cotton was in full bloom, and it made it
appear as a fresh dusting of snow had fallen across the farm fields, but the
sweltering August heat quickly reminded you that it was indeed not wintertime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I pulled up I caught a glimpse of a little
red headed boy with freckles wearing tuff nuts jeans with the knees patched and
a pull over shirt yelling “Annie over” toward the roof.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a moment I was puzzled, but then I saw a
green ball whiz over the roof. He caught it, and I heard an echo of the same
thing yelled back to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He launched
the ball over hoping to make contact with his sister on the other side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sun had barely had time to rise, and he
had already gathered the eggs and done some work in the family garden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was time now to head to Steele Elementary
for school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would be quite a hike,
but one he made daily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He grabbed his
packed lunch and prized possession, a bag of shiny marbles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was hopeful to come home with more, but
knew it was possible to return empty handed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Playing marbles was serious business when you played for keeps. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>When
he arrived at the schoolyard they had a bit of time before the reading lesson
started. His buddy challenged him to a game of marbles. When it was all said
and done, he had kept all of his marbles and gained four more of the other
boys. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They
arrived to class still a bit rowdy from the game of marbles. It was a nail
biter, and already being compared to the infamous match played three years ago,
when a fourth grader cleaned everyone out completely. His teacher, who he
claimed to be at least two hundred and eighteen years old, approached her desk
from the back of the class. She noticed that the he was not doing as he was
told and gave him a swift hard whack across his knuckles with the ruler that
seemed to be permanently attached to her right hand. He rubbed his hand and
grumbled under his breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hopefully she
wouldn’t tell his parents when she saw them next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His behind would be much more sore than his
knuckles from the spanking his dad would give him for misbehaving in
class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he was a boy you respected
adults, especially your teachers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
reached into his wooden desk and retrieved his favorite book. He opened the
history book that he had read over several times, but still couldn’t put it
down. He loved the book so much because the pages came alive with stories of
real people, and told the story of the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Books were not easy to come by, but he didn’t mind as long as he could
read the fascinating stories in his history book, his favorite lesson. He
doesn’t have any books at home; he can’t afford them and frankly doesn’t have
time while working in the cotton fields once he returned home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other than school the only time for reading
was a rare visit to the library. His teacher began her lesson for the day they
would be discussing the current commander and chief, Dwight D. Eisenhower.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">School
was coming to an end for the day, but there was still lots to be done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon returning home he would head straight to
the fields and start his job of picking cotton and carrying water for the farm
hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This job earned him a whopping 40
cents per hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seemed like a fair
wage to a nine-year-old boy with nothing who wanted something as simple as a 5-cent
candy bar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was no such thing as
minimum wage during this time in history.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>People today would riot if expected to endure such labor with barely any
reimbursement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the very least they
would refuse to do the work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It
was finally Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His favorite time of
day was upon him, lunchtime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He opened
up his lunch satchel to find a bologna sandwich!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He scooped it out and devoured it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having such a fancy lunch was a special
treat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the end of a long workweek
there would be no eating out in a restaurant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>His family couldn’t afford such luxuries, and they lived 100 miles away
from the big city of Memphis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, life
was simple back then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No TV and no
telephone, only the endless fun to be had outside on a huge farm with an
abundance of siblings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so it
continued as it began, life on the farm; born to his mother in their home in
Lukesville, MO. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He
continued to grow up a small town boy, thriving in Steele middle and high
school as a member of the band.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
played the tuba with perfection, receiving a lyre award. He would graduate and
marry a beautiful young woman named Betty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They would have four children, their baby boy being my father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life has changed a lot from when my Paw was a
boy, but one thing remains the same his love for his family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am thankful for the lessons he has taught
me directly and through my dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Although
his life may seem too simple and humble for many, he looks back on it fondly
with this quote, “It was burgers, and fries, and cherry pies. Life was good
back then.” Maybe there is something to be said for a simpler life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-36199015533011006892016-05-24T08:54:00.000-07:002016-05-24T08:54:46.008-07:00Be Someone's Biggest Fan<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“These damn kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are on my nerves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just
want to run away and not look back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
sick of this house being a mess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every
time I turn around somebody wants something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can’t have anything because of them”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I overhear her talking to one of
her friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look around the house at
the mess that I have indeed contributed to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why did you leave your things
out?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are so stupid and lazy. </i>I
scold myself as I start to clean the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She notices my attempts to pick up and scoffs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I take in her gaze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is one of pure disappointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is so much disappointment all the time.
I’m not sure what to do to change this perception.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a little girl I’m not even aware what
perception is or how one would change it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just know that I am lacking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am always lacking and there will never be anything I can do to undo the
disappointment in my mom’s face when she looks at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know there is this perfect life that she
could have had if I didn’t exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her
marriage wouldn’t be strained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The bills
would be paid with ease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The house would
be spotless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weekends would be filled
with carefree adult activities without worry or guilt about where the kids
would go. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I was 17
before I got my biggest fan. A person who looked at me without disappointment
and disgust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A person who saw the good
about everything I did and said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
a bit weird at first, but believe me it didn’t take long to adjust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I soared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There was nothing I couldn’t do with him backing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He spoke words of praise and encouragement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He called me beautiful and the smartest
person he had ever met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t long
before he had me convinced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The world
was a better place with me in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
as if someone had unlocked this amazing place inside of me where I was allowed
to be flawed, but remain good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Flawed
and good?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that possible?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the years passed I would goof things
up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I misbalanced the checkbook a couple
of times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I burned more than my share of
biscuits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bombed a test in nursing
school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I backed into a pole with the
car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yet every time I messed up in life, there was this person who I wanted
to tell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You heard that right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t wait to call him and tell him what
I had just done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see this is the
gold my friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what counts. I
wanted to call him first, immediately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> F</span>or so many years I concealed my shortcoming and failures
because I knew they made me even more unworthy than I already was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I carried such a heavy burden of pretending
to be perfect because I couldn’t stand for more disappointment to be heaped on
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I found myself laughing at my
occasional failures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Laughing! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I would call my husband with tears
in my voice spilling out the horribleness of what I had done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would tense up, waiting on the response I
dreaded, only to be relieved when his gentle voice would return words of
kindness and understanding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relief and
comfort flooded my frayed nerves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
would remind me that we all mess up and this too shall pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would insist I calm down and quit crying
over something so silly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would ensure
me that we would fix it together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before
we hung up he would make sure I knew that he still loved me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I walk into her bedroom and it
looks like we have been robbed. I pick up the jacket from the laundry room
floor and the pockets are full of half eaten candy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m pretty sure the sticky mess is not going
to come out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get a call from her
teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She hasn’t completed some of
her assignments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My natural reaction,
one that was instilled in me young, comes with a furry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My anger bubbles up at these
infractions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She knows better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She knows she is supposed to clean her room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She knows to not put candy in her
pockets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She knows that school is her
only and most important job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to
scream at her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have indeed screamed at
her, a time or two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look over at
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to pause and remind myself
that she is human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to cool down
and put things in perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I play
this out in my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can act on my
emotions or I can calmly talk to her, remembering that she is a human just like
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recall the time I misbalanced the
checkbook, burned the biscuits, and bombed my test. I want her to know that
it’s ok to be flawed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s ok to not
perform at 100% in this life every. single. day. However, I want her to know
that life is tough and there are consequences for what you chose to do and not
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I talk to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is going on, kiddo?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have things you have to do in life, and
you are not doing them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot of times I get back a dramatic
13-year-old response that is full of bologna.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A lot of times she is just being a teenager, who finds it easier to
ignore responsibilities and just chill out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I give her the ole mom speech that many before me and many after me will
give their teenagers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remind myself of
the words of wisdom bestowed upon me by her dad, my biggest fan, “This too
shall pass”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She will be grown
tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soon after that she will be
lecturing her teenager about their responsibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
My hope is that my daughter always
knows that I am her biggest fan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want
her to feel my love and the fact that I always see her heart and her good
intentions, even when those intentions fall flat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pray that I instill responsibility in her
all while keeping her self-worth intact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t want her to be 35 and struggling to find anything worthwhile
about herself on a daily basis. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want
the core of her spirit to be filled with joy and understanding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Understanding for herself and for those around
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is easy to pardon yourself at
times, but difficult to give others space to fail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we allow ourselves to be human; we can
give others that right as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
space is what makes good relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When we do this we allow ourselves to find joy in our journey, as well
as the journey of those around us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be someone’s
biggest fan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone needs one. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-84275261912101225542015-11-25T20:52:00.001-08:002015-11-25T20:52:37.350-08:00Certainly Blessed by an iPhone<div>The I log onto Instagram, scroll past a picture of my friend's pan of delicious pumpkin rolls with a funny note attached, "Do not eat until Thanksgiving", and I smile. I scroll past another Instagram friend's bible verse. I read it, and am thankful for her many post of God's word. It's nice to feel his presence on my social media. Then a picture pops up in my feed, and I pause. It's my daughter posing for a picture taken by her new iPhone 6S Plus. I'm not sure what the "S" or the "plus" stand for other than a bit of extra money, but they are there tacked to the end of the phone's name on the box it came in. The captions under her selfie reads, "I got an iPhone 6s plus and I am so happy! Thanks @hannahsmom614 and James Howell a.k.a mom and dad for getting me this. I am certainly blessed!!!" I read that last line again, "...I am certainly blessed." For a moment it doesn't set well with me. To be honest, it still doesn't. Let me pause here because I don't want you all to think that I push my 12 year old to the brink of sanity with what is right and wrong every waking moment of the day. At least, I don't feel like I do. However, somewhere along the way Christians, myself included, have started watering down God on every possible level, and I am afraid I am passing this down to my daughter. This very post only confirms my fears. </div><div><br></div><div>Somehow the world has convinced us that we need to put God into a box confined by reason and most importantly intelligence. We, as Christians, want to at every turn justify why we believe in God. Oh that miracle...well, what if God did so and so, which makes your science correct, but also makes my God possible? I do this all the time. Why? I get so tickled at us humans; we are a funny bunch. We are all here on this Earth working so hard to prove we are superior. We are better than everyone else at our jobs, our marriages, parenting, hobbies, and the list goes on. Somewhere in this race, I have gotten caught up in the notion that my God has to run this race right along with me. When one of my very intelligent friends ask me if people of the bible were riding dinosaurs or how Noah built a boat the size of Florida my immediate response is to come up with some scientifically sound answer that justifies the creator of everything. Let that sink in for a moment. I, Jodie Howell, 34 year old mom/nurse with a mere bachelor’s degree from a local university am trying to justify the actions and spoken word of the creator of EVERYTHING. But, I play into this with people because... because they will think I am stupid for believing in something that can't be proven using their scientific reasoning. There is no hypothesis, experiment, or analysis that can prove my God to these people. All the research out there seems to do just the opposite at times. So, the conclusion must be that I am a moron. And, I don't like to be a moron. Who does? So, I tell myself to just nod and say something humorous like, "Hmmm. I don't know. He must have had a lot of patience and time to build a boat that big. I think people in his time lived to be like 600!" Then I smile and let them know that they've won the argument. They are the superior minded non-believer who has figured it all out. Why can't I just say, "Noah was working under the commission of God, and my God is great enough to produce a boat the size of the United States upon uttering the word "Ahoy"! I'm sure he would pick a more majestic word, but the point remains. He is God, and my faith should not waiver at someone who thinks they are so intellectually advanced that they no longer gaze about this planet and wonder. It's absolutely amazing. I read a quote recently, and it really gave me comfort. It read, "The sign of intelligence is that you are constantly wondering. Idiots are always dead sure about everything they are doing in life." -Vasudev. I am not sure who this fella is, but I must agree with him. From my 34 years of experience this holds true. People who wonder realize their place in the universe, and more importantly they are comfortable with it. I personally know God is real in my life because I feel his presence. I feel is strongly. It is present when I experience peace amongst the madness that is life. And, that's enough proof for me. That is faith.</div><div><br></div><div>Back to the newest product of the most intellectually advanced of them all, the iPhone 6S (don't forget the plus)! By whatever means I have managed to water down my God's power and authority, I have also managed to water down his blessings. I love social media. I log on daily and enjoy stories from my friends and family members, who like me, love the Lord and are very thankful for his blessings. We get a new home, a new piece of jewelry, a new car, a relaxing week in front of blue waters, and we are #blessed. We are not just blessed, we are hashtag blessed. This is a blessing beyond anything we can articulate less a pound sign. Do you hear me fellow Christians? Let me be the first to tell you that I am one of the most #blessed people you will ever meet. I live in White Hall, AR right smack dab in the heart of the USA. The main stream discord with my religion has not yet reached my hometown, positioned comfortably in the Bible belt. Thankfully, we run just a beat behind mainstream. As a matter of fact, it wasn't until just this year that my local school district was threatened by the ACLU to stop our prayers before school sponsored events. I live in a beautiful home, my husband and I drive fairly new cars without any pesky engine issues. We have all the modern comforts one could hope for, and likely not live without, such as flat screen TVs, iPhones, pillow top mattresses, matching dinnerware, and hand towels. Funny story about hand towels and bathroom sink soap. This is something I did not realize you were supposed to have when I was younger. We never did in my childhood home, but we were lucky to have toothpaste and a toothbrush. Anywho, you can certainly see why hand towels fling me right outta the blessed bucket over into the #blessed one. Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "Jodie. This all does seem a bit blessed. What is your point?" Well, my point is this: What if being blessed had less to with your hand towels and more to do with what you have done for God. What if instead of considering an iPhone 6s Plus a blessing my daughter considered winning souls for Christ a blessing? What if we, as a family, felt the gratification of serving God equal to that of getting a new item or a bigger pay check? What if we mentioned the fact that we were Christians when it did not benefit us, instead of when it does? Because, right now to be a Christian where I live is a benefit. The title means you are a good trustworthy person, who is covered by God's grace. When good things happen to you, people "like" your #blessed post and think to themselves, "God takes care of his children." When something bad happens to you people are crushed, and assure you that this is merely God preparing you for better things ahead. After all, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. But, soon I fear a time will come when being a Christian is going to mean something much different for the ones who proclaim it, right here in my little town. I fear that this will certainly happen in my daughter’s lifetime. I fear that she will not understand what it means to be "blessed", and because I have not taught her what that means she will question God's presence in her currently very comfortable life. </div><div><br></div><div>If my family woke up tomorrow in a shack with a dirt floor forced hide in a dark room to pray together, memorize the words of the bible because to carry one was unacceptable, and praise him in secret for fear of retribution would my daughter still feel blessed? Would the ability to just to call herself a child of God be enough? How much value have I, her mother, placed on this? Sure, I have said all the right things. We go to church on Sundays. Extra Points... She even goes on Wednesday nights for youth! We love to listen to K-Love. It is very uplifting as we drive in out temperature controlled car to various places. She learned the books of the bible and the Ten Commandments. She even has a bible app on that brand new phone! All of these things, very important. But, does she comprehend that above everything: the material things, the social things, the learning experiences, the praise times, the family bible studies; the one thing that she should consider a blessing is her relationship with God. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">If we woke up tomorrow with literally nothing outside of his love, would my 12 year old feel very blessed? Would I feel very blessed?</span></div><div><br></div><div>I realize there is nothing wrong with having material things. I cannot explain why God placed me here and another one of his children in a country where death is a possibility for serving him. But, I hope that I can help my daughter to really understand the power of the God we serve, and with that understanding an appreciation for the blessing of simply being his child. </div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-39670849345858929382015-10-07T18:52:00.001-07:002015-10-07T18:54:04.748-07:00Dear Daughter: You're Doing Great. Really. <div class="MsoNormal">
My mind is frayed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
swipe my badge to clock out, sprint across the parking lot of work, and jump in
my car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m about to turn the key in my
ignition when my phone buzzes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know
before I take it out of my pocket who it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I pull my phone out and see the name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hannah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The message reads,
“Hey”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I smile because I know she has so
much to tell me about her day, and the “hey” is merely to see if I can take her
call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m not in a late meeting baby girl… </i>I think to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I slide my finger across the screen and skip
texting back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just go ahead and make
the voice call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A sweet little voice
comes over the phone, “Hey mama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How was
your day?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Super boring!” I answer back
in an exaggerated tone, which makes her laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Did anybody get mad at you?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
smile knowing that she listens to her Dad and I talk too closely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Just a few crabby people, but you know the
computers drive people nuts.” I assure her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She giggles because it baffles her that computers could be difficult for
anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has been using them since
she was a toddler.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tech generation,
I guess. I’m on my way out of the parking lot, and I go ahead and ask the
question, that I know will not receive such a simple answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So how was your day?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The floodgates open.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We go period-by-period, first through eight,
and talk about her day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As she begins explaining all of her day I think to myself, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You’re doing great. </i>I’m beginning to
feel like the only parent who remembers puberty and middle school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was pretty atrocious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean if we just count the hormone shifts
alone, it can easily be counted as one of the most confusing period of one’s
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I listen to her first
catastrophe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of her teachers said
she didn’t turn in an assignment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
knew she had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was just about to have
a complete “anxiety attack” when she found it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It literally took her all class period to calm back down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I smile. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You’re
so smart and responsible baby girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you miss one assignment, it’s no reason to have a panic attack… </i>The thought
rolls through my head, and I decide to share it with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You know honey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You aren’t perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will miss assignments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will do things you want to kick yourself
for, but it’s not the end of the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It will remind you to be more aware and keep up with things better in
the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She pauses, “Well, I still
panicked, mom. I mean I can’t just miss assignments! I’ll get bad grades.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I smile and laugh. “I know honey, but you
always turn your work in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really don’t
think you are going to start just not doing your work.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She agrees and we move on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The conversation shifts to the social aspect of her
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let me tell you what this girl
said to me today!” She goes into great dramatic detail about how a girl she
once considered a friend has now made it a personal mission to make her life
miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“She just goes out of her way
to be mean to me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t get it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not going to just sit around and let her
keep being this way toward me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you
think I should?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to just tell
her we aren’t friends anymore?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
pause for a moment because the mom in me momentarily wants to assume the best
of my daughter and make her out to be a complete victim in my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I am a realist and I’m sure she is not
100% innocent in whatever spat has come about with this little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then remind myself how absolutely normal
and even healthy it is for girls her age to figure relationships out, to a
certain extent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no bullying or
physical fighting, so to me it’s all perfectly normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You are
learning how to manage relationships sweetie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It stinks, but not everyone is nice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not everyone you consider a friend, is truly a friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>So I offer my two cents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hannah, are you asking me if you should
confront this person and tell them you are no longer their friend?” I ask.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“She pauses considering my tone, I
suppose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well, yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean I am just over it and I want to tell
her.” She replies slightly defensive of her position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well, first I am not you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are your own person and you are going to
do what you decide, but my advice is to not do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me just ask you this, what are you hoping
that conversation will accomplish?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
thinks it over, “I don’t know, mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
feelings are hurt…” I cut her off, “ …And you want to hurt hers back?” She
immediately responds, “No! I do not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
stay quiet for a minute and let her ponder it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Honey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t imagine what else
this would accomplish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can distance
yourself, and create boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If she
is rude to you, let her know that she can’t talk ugly to you and expect you to
want to be around her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But be kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have no idea what is going on in this
person’s life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes you take your
home life for granted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not everyone has
a peaceful happy secure home, like you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are fighting battles you know nothing about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I share some of my childhood to drive the
point home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m trying to help her
associate the feelings of love and protectiveness she has with me to this
little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her tone lightens and she
adds, “ Plus, I represent God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would
show love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I smile into the phone about
to pull onto her grandpa’s street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That’s it kiddo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see what is right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re heart feels what is right…listen to
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will lose your temper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will say things you regret, but you can
try to be the best person you can be. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pull into the
driveway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She comes out of the door with
her heavy book bag on her shoulder, her lunchbox in one hand and her flute in
the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m certain she has a
mountain of homework, and wants to practice her flute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She will have to eat, study, practice, and
generally keep going until bedtime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I know you are tired sweet girl, but you are
learning about dedication and commitment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You are learning that If you want something in life it will never be
handed to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>She climbs in my car,
and shuts the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We start to back
out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Do you have a lot of
homework?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, but two of the subjects
are pretty short, and my other one is kind of interesting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m looking forward to it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says in a serious tone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Well, that is good I suppose.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You need to do the dishes when we get home, ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I momentarily consider doing them for her,
but change my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dishes are her chore
and she needs to learn that the money we give her is only ours because we work
for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She needs to have the feeling of
accomplishment that comes when she is paid $20.00 on Friday for a job well done
all week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Okay.” she says as she moves
on to another topic, continuing our phone conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She continues to talk non-stop until we
arrive home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She stops doing dishes
approximately 1,000 times as she recalls yet one more thing she has to tell me
about, while I maneuver around her in our tiny kitchen to cook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her Dad walks in the door, and we are happy to see him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ask how his day is, and he says,
“Fine.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asks me how my day was, and I
give my standard uneventful answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
turns to Hannah, and asks her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
conversation starts all over again, but something wonderful happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She talks to him with new perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perspective I’ve offered earlier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is more confident about the weaknesses
she has discovered about herself on this day, and more sure about the decisions
she has made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We pray over our dinner
and she continues to talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh how she
talks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her Dad and I nod and interject
when we can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sit and think <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this is amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being your mom is amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are a beautiful ball of imperfections
figuring out this crazy thing called life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To my daughter:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are doing great kiddo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Life is complex and confusing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
you grow you will realize that things and even people aren’t what you assumed
they were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes that will
disappoint you, but sometimes it will delight you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You make me proud everyday, even during times
when you feel like a complete failure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So many times I just want to tell you what to do, but I know that you
have to figure this all out on your own, with my motherly advice of
course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The good thing about you is that
you are harder on yourself than Dad and I could ever be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have a kind heart and a sweet
spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t be so hard on
yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life is never about
perfection, but about learning how to use your imperfections to improve
yourself and inspire others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are
covered in God’s grace and love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know
he has great plans for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyday you
grow and mature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart breaks a
little, because you are my baby, but mostly it is just filled with pride at the
remarkable human being you are becoming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I hope, if nothing else, Dad and I show you the importance of a genuine
and real life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Celebrate being human.
Embrace the imperfections, because it reminds you daily why you need God in
your heart. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Love Mom<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_5pgwo02bKl-Qr99nDcJ4fEndPuKk5rjmOL2E5lrijU3gdPWL_VigmMd1zES0cum_9mQoN8GHoddN2u_9uSIHgqnUQnWBJ4zUt51LxQOtcWQSR0IpWDbtXsxO-XgDE-PoojPWbF71GXE/s1600/hannah+blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_5pgwo02bKl-Qr99nDcJ4fEndPuKk5rjmOL2E5lrijU3gdPWL_VigmMd1zES0cum_9mQoN8GHoddN2u_9uSIHgqnUQnWBJ4zUt51LxQOtcWQSR0IpWDbtXsxO-XgDE-PoojPWbF71GXE/s320/hannah+blog.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-40000736728590660922014-12-21T07:24:00.002-08:002014-12-21T07:24:32.034-08:00My Big Sister<div class="MsoNormal">
The wind was howling and the rain was hitting the old
trailer house glass window angrily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
could feel the coolness of the air seeping around the poorly sealed
windows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A shiver ran down my little
spine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sucked on my thumb and clung to my
pillowcase in a vain attempt to sooth my nerves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked around my room and suddenly every
shadow was the possibility of danger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
squeezed my eyes shut and decided to make a run for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My little feet hit the floor and quickly
padded past my parents room and to the only person who could console me and
make me feel safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I opened her door and
whispered, “Beck beck are you asleep?” I saw her covers lift up and I knew I
was in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I leaped into her waterbed and
snuggled up beside her tiny frame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
put her arm over me simultaneously covering me with the blanket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You get scared because of the storm?” she
asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shook my head ‘yes’ without
speaking because my thumb was still in my mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You know you can just keep sleeping with me
if you want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t have to sleep in
your bed…mom wont really care.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
knew Mom wanted me to start sleeping in my own bed, so I just nodded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put my ear to her chest. I could hear her
heart beating…her breaths grew more rapid and shallow and she drifted to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My little eyes grew heavy… I was safe now. I
was in the arms of my big sister.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeDkTqL6WdE2fIY7e7eBRDwwe_WrYOz3HK9WGtWVU8iBEeAFyKbKd0W8_NKb7D2yjyUQ_cVdSnKBT4tO9l-IPrs8DF2GPb2erXMdvxyvwE_hj_qgCLaBIK3kBLoHpwRWn8ex7SvO6EyIE/s1600/me+and+beck+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeDkTqL6WdE2fIY7e7eBRDwwe_WrYOz3HK9WGtWVU8iBEeAFyKbKd0W8_NKb7D2yjyUQ_cVdSnKBT4tO9l-IPrs8DF2GPb2erXMdvxyvwE_hj_qgCLaBIK3kBLoHpwRWn8ex7SvO6EyIE/s1600/me+and+beck+4.jpg" height="320" width="291" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
When I started writing this blog post I thought about
including some of the tragedy that we faced and how we overcame it, but I think
the victory is pretty evident and those memories have become something that
both of us like to visit less and less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will tell you that having an adult relationship with my sister has
been difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see dealing with the
abuse brought about many emotions through the years, that were only complicated
with our mother being gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We both had
so many questions and so much anger…then I had Hannah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Man! The birth of my daughter made coping and
understanding almost impossible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
like being slapped in the face. My sister still hadn’t had her precious girls,
so for the first time she was unable to relate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>During my weakest moments dealing with what happened to us, the one
person who had always understood suddenly didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I dealt with my emotions being a new mom;
finding acceptance and reconciling all of the emotions the best I could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our relationship was bumpy and then settled
down, but there was still a divide that neither of us could fill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijGBEiHKZfKQogeqzpSj31BaQo13XJPjekcsDlr5zZMaBYIrazmxuHSoKcAXce3Ez9qA39_9_BGGfkrS9amAuRE9FXlbj32pDXLj2I2UrUqnnsyLH-btd265g_qp-n2gV0-to-GLWKrXU/s1600/me+and+beck+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijGBEiHKZfKQogeqzpSj31BaQo13XJPjekcsDlr5zZMaBYIrazmxuHSoKcAXce3Ez9qA39_9_BGGfkrS9amAuRE9FXlbj32pDXLj2I2UrUqnnsyLH-btd265g_qp-n2gV0-to-GLWKrXU/s1600/me+and+beck+2.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Six years later things changed, my sister gave birth to her
first daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched helplessly as
the realization of pain and disbelief that I had faced, years earlier, hit her
hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, dealing with all that pain
as an abused child is one level of pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Holding your newborn child with overwhelming feelings of maternal love
and protection…well your first question is, “Why didn’t anyone love me like
this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why didn’t anyone want to protect
me from the abuse?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would KILL anyone
that even thought of harming this baby girl!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There are no answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only
were we not protected from abuse, but also we were subjected to the abusers
even after our mother knew about it! How? Why? No answers. Again, you gaze at
your helpless infant with so much love, and so much sadness for the little girl
inside of you who was neglected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As my sister struggled to reconcile her emotions, and our
relationship continued to crumble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
knew exactly how she felt, but I was scared to go back to that place of anger
with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had been so hard for me to
let it all go and give it to God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
would lie down at night and here her little voice, “Jodie, when he comes in
here you pretend you are asleep ok.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
would close my little eyes and endure her abuse as she protected me the only
way she could yet again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t give
up on us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t give up on
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew she would never give up on
me and even at our most tumultuous times I knew that she was only a phone call
away if I truly needed her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all,
even though we had been dealt this horrendous hand in life, she was my big
sister.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The one who protected me from
the storms of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew without a
doubt under all of the pain we both suffered that had surfaced as anger…those
two people who loved and protected each other were still very much there.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
It came to a point where it was evident we both needed to have
time on our own to deal with all the emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We had both gotten to a point where we weren’t helping each other…we
were only tearing each other down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Neither of us wanted to pass this legacy of negativity to our
daughters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, we did the hardest thing
we’ve ever had to do…we stopped talking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A year passed and the day came that I had been praying over for an
entire year. We were ready to try to have a relationship again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, some people will never understand the
need to stop talking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is ok…most
people have never had to deal with a tenth of what the two of us have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When life gives you such circumstances you
rarely handle them perfectly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You handle
them the best you can. That is exactly what we did.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday was our Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was the best Christmas I can ever remember in my life!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were both at peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both of us had obviously come out of this
storm on the other side and our hearts were finally calm and ready to accept
all of God’s blessings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked around
at our families and tears pricked my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I mean…talk about an abundance of blessings! My sister and I have the
most handsome and loving husbands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both
of them would lay their lives down to protect our girls and us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are faithful God-fearing men who provide
for their families, both financially and emotionally. Our babies are healthy
and happy…running around playing and laughing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not one of those girls will EVER KNOW the hardships we had to face in
their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are loved and
protected above all else on this earth and that gives us both peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s amazing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How did we become so blessed? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihMVc1LYO8twl9cbQQFBysaV0J5GOMhNZf33mwYE1jaK71pbg3hf447fhA-cgdYyjHrJVWFLVOMFvJRPPs3ALomwFvjZJjxQsgp_yuLeyKoEC2O-4lwbQYzwoWCtYxFB0PGLwluptlfL0/s1600/us+and+our+girls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihMVc1LYO8twl9cbQQFBysaV0J5GOMhNZf33mwYE1jaK71pbg3hf447fhA-cgdYyjHrJVWFLVOMFvJRPPs3ALomwFvjZJjxQsgp_yuLeyKoEC2O-4lwbQYzwoWCtYxFB0PGLwluptlfL0/s1600/us+and+our+girls.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
My sister and I were briefly discussing our lives and I told
her, “It would have been easier for us had we gone through motherhood
together.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She agreed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, last night as I thanked God for the day
and his guidance in our lives he whispered this truth to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Becky needed to be strong when I was weak,
and I needed to be strong when she was weak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, God’s plan was best all along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a huge blessing that we become new mother’s years apart! Wow!
What an awesome God he is. Everything that happened to us was unfair and awful.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one should have to endure it, but I
have to say it is an awesome testimony to our God and it definitely makes us
more humble and even more awesome moms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
are pretty awesome at that anyway! Sometimes I get angry with people out age
that had “perfect” childhoods…and squandered them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think to myself, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">why would someone take such a perfect gift and not propel themselves to
more in life? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were given such a
strong foundation… </i>My sister and I weren’t and we have both accomplished so
much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had to fight for every victory
in our lives at no fault of our own. Then my question is answered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God doesn’t give you what you want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He gives you what you need to choose your
life and legacy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is up to you to take
what you are given and glorify him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
sister and I have definitely done that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not perfectly…but then again…it kind of is perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because...look at us now. Victorious. Highly
favored.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blessed beyond measure. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSgeuwJdcYcH6zXYR7ZAsTGyDt9BVEIO46ROuEWFYnSf6ITnXMmSQfKW18DOiYA-kiFgH8C5xkDn2kSmlK1hp0CJbPeVk2vaU2KJeDJX6AAygAECzCUgKPdt-agkvR64X2Nhrqpj-2fqg/s1600/our+girls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSgeuwJdcYcH6zXYR7ZAsTGyDt9BVEIO46ROuEWFYnSf6ITnXMmSQfKW18DOiYA-kiFgH8C5xkDn2kSmlK1hp0CJbPeVk2vaU2KJeDJX6AAygAECzCUgKPdt-agkvR64X2Nhrqpj-2fqg/s1600/our+girls.jpg" height="320" width="260" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart is full. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-15726961812914225172014-10-13T16:49:00.000-07:002014-10-13T17:27:21.031-07:00Butting Out of My Daughter's Life<br><div class="MsoNormal">
Well here it is October of Hannah's 6th grade year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course the old cliché applies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did this happen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How is my child a "middle
schooler".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be honest this means
nothing to me in the way that it should.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It means that my little girl is growing up and over the course of a few
short months her entire life has changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her life...yes, school is her life. I say that so that I can place the
importance on school that it deserves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
student is what my 11 year old is at this moment in time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes up so much of what she focuses on
both academically and socially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
the place that she is learning to function in the "real world".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what does being a middle schooler mean to me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not mean to me that my
child is ready to face things with more autonomy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not mean to me that I need to
"butt out" and let her figure things out on her own. But doesn't it?
These are the questions that I am contemplating right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This move has been much more difficult for me
than it has been for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
promise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So the question remains... How much involvement is required
in her life right now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, we all know
that I am a very involved and quite overprotective mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I am this way and up until recently it
really hasn’t mattered. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All
"elementary kids" benefit from an involved parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The elementary staff loves parental
involvement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has always worked out
wonderfully for me, since I enjoy being front row in Hannah's life watching
with love and wonder as she grows and learns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But, a new era has started and this Momma is going to have to adjust.
Deep breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's just change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love change...Okay, I hate change!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I especially hate change that means I have to
let go a little. But, I can change and that is what is important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem for me is deciding how to change
and what exactly is needed from me at this point in her life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean sometimes I feel like I am the only
mother struggling with these issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
see other moms who go about their daily lives being perfect at this mothering
thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They duck and weave, roll with
the punches, and execute this juggling act masterfully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there is me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am stumbling and praying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am probably on God's nerves just a little
with as much as I talk to him about Hannah and this job he entrusted me
with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is probably really wishing he
had just left me with my fur babies at this point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously, it is hard for me. I want to be a
great mother and I'm not always sure that I am doing it right. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Middle school has been fabulous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The teachers are wonderful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is learning so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She comes home everyday very excited about
her activities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The faux "real
life" drama has started during non-class times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know...the "he wrote me this
note", "she is so dramatic, but we are friends"… She is figuring
out how to navigate various personalities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her standards are being tested and she is making decisions daily about
who she is and what she will and will not find acceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is really quite fascinating to watch your
children grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much learning takes
place outside the classroom at school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But, with middle school there have been a couple hiccups.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess those are kind of part of the
learning process too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which brings me to
my point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My child is experiencing
"life".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is learning to
hurdle obstacles and how to respond to people and situations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is very hard for me to let her do this
without me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have not been able to
figure out how to protect her from negativity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wanted her to get elected to student council and my heart was broken
when she was bummed out about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want
her to only have positive interactions with people and it breaks my heart when
I feel like she has to endure an unnecessary negative one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want her to have D-Hall because she
cant get to her locker, poor baby, but she got it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want her to master every academic challenge
thrown at her, but she still struggles with a few things and I feel helpless to
solve her problems for her. OH MY GOODNESS! What is that you say God?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>It is not my place to solve her problems
for her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WHAT?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am her mother!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes...yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know I have been praying for your guidance and here I sit in Connect
and you decide to slap me in the face with this while I am trying to lead a
small group for the first time! Really God?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sigh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay. Okay... I'm listening
to the actual words coming out of my mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Words that I thought you meant for these middle school girls not me.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes my fellow parents God did this to me
Sunday.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I excitedly approached the youth building for Connect, what
my church calls Sunday School.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Earlier
in the week I had been asked to sub for a class that does not have a
leader.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, I have been praying about
God's guidance on this topic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
wanted to lead a small group, but I didn’t want to be presumptuous or cause any
awkwardness by asking and being told, "Uhm, no."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I just volunteered in the capacity I had
been asked and continued to pray that if God wanted me to lead a group he would
open the door to that possibility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
the text came through asking me to help I was just ecstatic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, this is a huge thing, to lead
children at church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a
responsibility I don’t take lightly at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, when I got my material for Sunday I reviewed it numerous times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read and re-read the verses, went over the
study material's objectives, and prayed that God give me the right words for
these girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Large group started and our
youth pastor began to teach on the scripture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I really enjoyed the lesson as I always do, and my stomach flipped a
little when he dismissed us to small group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I followed my girls upstairs to the room where we would further discuss
the lesson the youth pastor had presented.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I start out with an introduction and told the girls how
excited I was to be leading them today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They were so beautiful and very sweet to me. We jumped right into the
lesson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained to the girls that I
loved to talk and visit, but I was serious about God and I knew that he wanted
us to keep our discussions focused on him and his place in our daily lives. I
explained how this would help them make better decisions and understand
everyday things better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were very
excited and we began our discussion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now, the weeks lesson was about when Jesus was with the disciples in a
boat and the storm came. Jesus was asleep and they became fearful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus awoke and calmed the storms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our youth pastor had touched on something in
large group that resonated with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
began the discussion by making sure everyone understood that we were going to
talk about this physical storm in relation to our "life storms".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The girls began to open up and share some of
their personal struggles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I began
to speak to them and God simultaneously began to connect the dots of my over
protective mom dilemma. "Girls, like Brandon said earlier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes God asks you to get in the boat and
the storm still comes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes even as
Christians bad things happen to us...divorce, bullying, loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you all feel about that?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The girls gave wonderful thoughtful answers
about trusting God, and I pushed forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"But, there are times when things happen that we feel are
unfair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want you girls to understand
that God is not concerned with your comfort level. He is concerned with your
eternity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we get really comfortable
in life...we tend to not feel as though we need God in the center of
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another thing is that we don’t
always seem to get is that God's will surpasses our understanding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes we are looking at the immediate,
but God is looking at the long term.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes you feel like a door is shut, but God is opening up the
opportunity to serve him better and grow closer to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe he is putting you in a circumstance to
share God's message with someone who needs it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We have to stop asking God for what we want and ask him instead for what
he wants."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took a deep breath and
realized that I had accepted this for myself, but I had not yet accepted it for
Hannah. THE LIGHTBULB WAS SHINING SO BRIGHT OVER MY HEAD I HAD TO SQUINT. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Over the last few weeks I have prayed to God at length about
giving Hannah over to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want him to
have her and do with her life what he sees fit, but I really didn’t feel that
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I was saying to God is, <i>Will
you please make sure this child I love never suffers and that life comes really
easy to her. Let her get good grades, go to a great college, meet the perfect
Christian man at the perfect time, marry, have beautiful little babies, and die
peacefully surrounded by loved ones at a very old age. </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, in this moment God revealed to me that
an easy and perfect life may not prepare my child for what he has planned for
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He showed me that smooth seas don't
make skillful sailors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it sounds
silly and I "knew this", but God helped me to <u>understand</u> this
in this moment when I was trying to give understanding to a room of middle
school girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see it is similar to
knowing about Jesus and knowing who Jesus really is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have experienced salvation that will
make perfect sense to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Suddenly I realized that I need to let go a little where it
concerns Hannah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wants me to really
give her to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allow him to let her
experience life...the good, the bad, and the ugly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wants me to allow him to help her learn to
navigate these things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, I do realize
Hannah is just 11, and I still play a huge role in her life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No worries I am not kicking her out of the
house tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am just going to work
on backing off a little bit and allow her how to make decisions and understand
consequences without me interceding and "making it all ok".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all when she leaves our home for
college her curriculum wont be the only thing she faces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She will need to be able to trust herself and
the decisions she will make in her life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hopefully, when she is really confused she will always know Moma is just
a phone call away (only if she really needs me)...<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-25398119115268149022014-09-01T19:30:00.001-07:002014-09-01T20:18:33.035-07:00My Testimony<div class="MsoNormal">
His face was red.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
looked upon from the pew beside my grandmother as his face became more and more
red.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so red that it almost had an
orange tint to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His hairy arms
stretched toward the ceiling as his worn bible flapped back and forth above his
head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His voice raised and lowered in a
crescendo of emotion as he urged the fellow sinners in the small country church
to turn their life over before they met Satan in a fiery end to this life here
on Earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I closed my little eyes and
his words swirled around in my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
imagined a mean red man with a tail and horns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He was belting out an evil laugh as he jeered toward me with his
pitchfork.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked about and saw “hell” complete with bubbling pools of lava.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The large volcanoes were humming in the background and black smoke was
billowing out… My eyes shot opened and I looked over to my grandma just as she
shouted, “Amen!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was terrified and I
knew that I didn’t want to end up at the other end of Satan’s pitchfork as he
hurled me into the lava that would burn, but somehow never actually burn me up
all the way so the pain would end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
could barely comprehend all of this in my little mind, but I did enough to know
that is not what I wanted. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t recall actually saying the prayer of salvation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can vaguely recall my baptism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The small country church we attended didn’t
have a baptistery, so we visited another small church on Claude Rd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can recall the cool water and how odd it
felt to be standing in it fully clothed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My grandma was crying and she kept raising her hands above her head in a
thankful pose to God as she prayed under her breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so glad to be “sealing the deal” and
even happier my grandmother was so happy with my actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked out over the small crowd and spotted
my mom and dad looking slightly uncomfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This was another odd feeling as church was not a setting I was used to
being in with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My grandmother was
the one who picked us up on Saturday nights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We ate dinner with her, showered at her house, said the Lord’s prayer,
and went to sleep in her wonderful pleasantly squeaky bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can still hear her box fan and feel the
light breeze of night air being pulled through the window beside her bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The. Best. Sleep. I. Have. Ever.
Experienced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next morning I would
wake up to peace and calmness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one
would be in grandma’s house that I didn’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It would smell like coffee and cathead biscuits baking in the toaster
oven on her table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, it was off to
worship the Lord.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My grandmother was
extremely spiritual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She spoke in
tongues and testified at every church service with the congregation shouting
amens at her story’s life struggles yet joy and offerings of praise despite it
all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being with my grandmother was my
peace in the storm of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Church was a
place I loved, but I must admit didn’t fully understand.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We pulled away from my baptism and I was so relieved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t doomed to hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My family kept telling me how proud they were
and we were all going to eat lunch at my parent’s house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made my plate and sat at the coffee table
in the living room to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began to
think to myself how great this day was and how much I loved my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then my little heart sank.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was pretty sure, from what I experienced,
that my parents were not saved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then
started to visualize this rapture Bro. Casey would always preach of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I imagined being ripped away from my Mom and
Dad, and them left to fight the tribulations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I tried to calm myself and remind myself that grandma would be with me
so I wouldn’t be alone…but what about Mom and Dad?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew I had to get them saved and baptized
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So my subtle mission started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would make a way to talk about church, the
few things I actually understood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
would always tell my mom that “she missed a blessing today” when I walked in
from church on Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what my
grandma always told people who were absent the service prior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day my mom and I drove to Wal-Mart, and I
told her I really wanted her to come to church with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just knew I was frightened for her and I
needed her to come to church and be safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She got really angry with me and screamed, “Enough! Jodie I will come to
church when I am good and damn ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Do. Not. Say. It Again! Understood?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I held back tears and swallowed down the nervous bile in my throat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing that scared me worse than a
fiery hell, at this point in my life, was the wrath of my mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more invitations were extended.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I continued on my journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My grandmother had definitely planted a
seed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the nurturing that was
needed now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think Hannah gets her “deep thinking” from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found a little new testament Bible in a box
a few years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was one that was
given to me at school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I opened it up
and on the back inside cover I found this question, “God why do people do drugs
and drink?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I instantly recalled writing
this and I just knew God would write the answer under it while I was
asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had not one doubt I would wake
up to an answer that would make my tumultuous life make sense suddenly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also remember the disbelief when I woke up
and there was in fact no answer inscribed by God himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life went on and I attended many church
services where I listened to pastors preach content I didn’t understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would try to pick up my bible and read it at
home only to get confused and angry with myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to understand it all better, but it
just wasn’t happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never had the urge to live a “sinful” life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My parents were always heavily involved with
drugs and alcohol and I never had a desire to live the life they lived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I grew and matured physically the sexual
abuse I endured became more evident and unbearable until it finally ended.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The aftermath of that led me to a dark place
of sin called hatred. So although I’ve never taken illegal drugs and I’ve only
ever had sex with my husband my soul was saturated with sin that would probably
make the occasional drug user seem like a saint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I could have murdered the abusers of my
sister and myself, and not get caught, I would have. Period.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so unforgiving in my heart there was no
doubt in my mind God did not live there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is the scary part of Christianity to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often times we convince ourselves if we are “good
people” we are saved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NOT SO.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During the time between my grandmother’s
death when I was in Jr. High and meeting James at 17 church going was spotty,
prayer was on an “as needed” basis, and bible study was nonexistent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I just marinated in my anger and
resentment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
James was a breath of fresh air and a new perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He went to church regularly and I, of course,
wanted to see him so I went as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
sang in a quartet and I loved listening to him sing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over time the bible pieces started to
individually make sense to me, and as I matured I was more able to understand
the adult bible studies and sermons I sat through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me take this time and say that this is
the reason a youth program is a must for me as a mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want the seed planted in Hannah’s heart to
grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want her to be able to
understand the bible as it is taught to her on her level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>James and I married and we both promised God
to honor him through our marriage and the family we would start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hannah came along and post partum depression
raged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pulled away from God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There have been many times in my life I have
had perfect physical attendance at church, but could not have been more
absent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Completely checked out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was my situation at this point in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
James and I came to the point where we realized we weren’t
living our life as we wanted to, and we were definitely not honoring God by not
being at church and growing in his word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We also knew that Hannah deserved a relationship with him and the only
way to do that was to get her in church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So we visited Canaan Baptist church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There we met a very enthusiastic young pastor who just made the Bible
make sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prayed to God to
understand his word in a way I never had before. I wanted to be able to pass
down the faith my grandmother had given me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I still held on to my anger silently, but I put on a huge smile and
started volunteering at our new church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Surely if I worked hard for God, and just be a great “Christian” I would
experience this happiness this pastor and the others in my Wednesday night
group felt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But let me be honest… I
thought they were all full of crap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
were smiling just like me, but on the inside I still had all these feelings of
hate and resentment toward my abusers and my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just knew they were hiding awful stuff in
their heart too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just keep smiling
Jodie… You are saved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It happened when
you were a kid remember?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then it happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>During prayer I just knew suddenly, without a doubt, that despite the
fact I had been a “great person” my whole life, that despite the fact that I
was at church every time the door opened, that despite the fact I volunteered
and cooked for potluck…that I was NOT saved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I knew that God could not live in a heart this full of hate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I trembled with emotion and tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I finally in that moment gave God all that hate
and negativity for the first time in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had tried to in the past, but for some reason this was my time to
really change on the inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to
admit it was amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I rededicated my
life to God and went before our church to be baptized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although I called it rededicating because no
adult wants to admit to a congregation that they were never saved…I know now
that this was definitely the first time I accepted God in my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although I still had, and still have, days of
self pity and will never understand some of the awful things that happened to
me…I know without a doubt that I have forgiven my abusers and I pray in earnest
that these men have accepted God in their hearts and are headed to heaven
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t choose to be a part of
their lives here on Earth and I think God is ok with that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I honestly want salvation for them, and
that is how I know that I was saved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Since that point reading my bible comes easier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The puzzle pieces continue to fall into
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Holy Spirit convicts me on a
personal level daily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My walk
matures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh I fall! Please hear me
fellow Christians who may struggle with their lack of perfection… I FALL (what
feels like daily), but God is inside of me, so I will not fail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get back up and I ask for forgiveness…and I
use this messy crazy imperfect life as a big ole testimony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that my friends is what God had intended
for me all along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I would also like to add that my Mom was saved before she
passed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her darkness was lifted and she
began to grow in God’s word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was a
completely different person after she accepted God in her life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just like me she had her own unique struggles,
but none of them were too big for God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No one’s darkness is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is
what is so great about my God and the sacrifice he made sending Jesus to die
for our sins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is nothing more
scary and daunting than stepping into God’s light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should know that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to hold on to my anger and
resentment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the only way I could
“right” all that happened to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
once I let it go and I accepted that God will reconcile all of that for me a
weight was lifted that is just unexplainable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My prayer is that you know someone out there understands the fear of
letting go of whatever you are holding on to…but I promise you that God can and
will replace what you are holding on to with more than you could ever imagine! <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-33583866303292142432014-08-12T15:39:00.001-07:002014-08-12T15:45:22.183-07:00Depression: How Selfish! <div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Mom?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I turn around and see Hannah standing in the
kitchen behind me. She has on her tennis shoes and her long blond hair in a
ponytail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a beautiful Saturday and
she has finished all her chores.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Can I
ride my bike?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She asks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I immediately feel a tug of panic in my
chest, but I suppress it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just stay in front of the house, so I can
keep an eye on you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Okay Moma.",
she says as she turns and skips to the front door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as she is on the porch I walk over to
the large picture window and pull up the blinds so I can see outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is getting her bike out of the
carport.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Off she goes down the
driveway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watch her ride back and
forth on the dead-end street for a few laps to make sure she will obey my
instructions to stay in sight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course
she does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is a good kid and very
patient with her…uhm…overprotective…mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I feel the distance between us and my mind is on high alert, but again I
suppress the urge to call her in, and go back to cleaning house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
unload a few items out of the dishwasher and gather dirty laundry from her
room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I start to walk back through the
house and stop to check on her through the window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t immediately see her and my heart
starts to pound in my ears. Suddenly I see her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A dirty white truck is pulling up to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She stops her bike, and in typical Hannah
fashion talks in a friendly manner to the man inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She shakes her head and looks behind her when
he points to the field.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is he
saying to her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She puts her bike down
and walks around the corner of the church out of my sight as if she is looking
for something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He opens the door and
walks toward her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She turns to face him,
but just as she does he grabs her around her chest and covers her mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see the fear in her eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see that moment when all her innocence and
trust turns to shear panic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He shoves
her in the truck, throws it in drive, and squeals away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I start to run after the truck...What will happen to her? Will he rape
her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will he kill her slowly?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is she screaming for me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can hear her screaming, “Moma, help
me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please!” I open my eyes. The shirt
in my hand is shaking. I am nauseated and I can’t get air into my lungs. I take
a deep breath, but it’s like the lower lobes of my lungs won’t fill up completely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The band around my chest is tight. My stomach
cramps and my hands are slimy from sweat. I drop the shirt on the couch and
take a step towards the door as she pedals back into my sight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stop and take a deep breath, and for the
first time it feels like air reaches the deepest parts of my lungs. My pounding
heart slows just a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still feel
like I might throw up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I push the door
open and she looks up at me questioning what I might need. I quickly make up a
reason to stop her and talk to her for a minute. She straddles her bike while
we have our brief discussion and once again pushes off to enjoy her afternoon
as I return to the house reminding myself how silly I must be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I have
lived through James’ and Hannah’s deaths hundreds of times over the years in my
mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be honest, my anxiety is much
better managed<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>than it has been in the
past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anxiety once kept me up at night
imagining the worst possible scenarios from simple needed dental work to what
will James and Hannah do when I die from breast cancer like my mom did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate this about myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have an anxiety disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be very honest this is coupled with an on
again off again depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days I
can wake up and the thought of facing the simplest challenges seems
impossible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to talk to
anyone. I don’t want to participate in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This feeling is not based off of any changing variable in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life is, as I have previously stated in another
blog, perfect to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a loving
Christian husband, a perfectly healthy intelligent kind caring daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I live an abundant life. I do not need, nor
really want, for a single thing. Most importantly, I am a saved Christian
person, who has a close personal walk with God. I acknowledge God’s power and
presence in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that he is
ultimately in control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe in him
and I pray to him daily…multiple times a day to be honest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I give him my life fully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want him in charge. I want his will to be
done even if I don’t comprehend it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But,
I still worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’m
going to take this moment to give some well-meaning Christians out there some
advice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Telling a person with anxiety or
depression that God is in control is like telling an alcoholic that drinking is
a sin and it is bad for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We know
already. Yep. Really. We do!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know how
many times God tells us in the bible to be still and not worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that despite all the “silly worrying”
that I have absolutely no control over anything that God has planned for me.
What will be…will indeed be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know! For
the most part there is no need to remind someone with anxiety or depression of
this fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They. Know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often times these loving reminders just
cause more anxiety and guilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean he
is God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why can't I trust him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I not a good Christian?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I really not saved if I don’t have this
constant peace all the real Christians have?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can’t tell you how many times I have cried out to God to take away my
anxiety and depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have prayed
prayers for trust in him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God and
I...well... we have had many talks about my anxiety, way before you had the
bright idea that I just need to “trust in him”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Promise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That may sound harsh,
but I just want everyone to understand that it is really not a choice to be
this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should all know how much I
believe in self-empowerment. I believe in taking charge and being in control of
healthy choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only choice I have
in the matter of anxiety and depression is to use the tools given to me to live
a healthy full life despite it. Also, please know that I understand, sometimes
as Christians "trust in him" is just the most comforting thing we
know to say to someone when there is nothing else to say. I am guilt of this
too. But when dealing with an ongoing issue like anxiety the choice to trust is
just not that simple. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Depression
is different than anxiety for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
anxiety is present daily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Depression
comes and goes. I may wake up in the morning and just be off a little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was younger I didn’t even have the
self-awareness to realize when a bout of depression was about to hit. Now I can
identify those feelings better. In my personal experience depression feels like
slipping and falling in slow motion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Despite how hard I try I can't stop it and I can’t get my balance to stand
back up. My body will feel physically tired and my mind just a little
foggy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a loss of excitement and
anticipation about things to come that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will go through the motions of getting ready, cooking breakfast,
smiling and joking with Hannah and James, but inside I will feel like I could
just cry at any moment. I recall the sad moments from my past easier and I tend
to dwell on them more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is selfish
because during this time I tend to feel sorrier for myself due to all the
horrible things that happened to me in my life. I recount them and the anger
and sadness seeps back into my heart momentarily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ride to work will seem overly quiet and,
despite the sunshine, the world outside my windshield will seem just a little
overcast. People that I interact with would <u>never know that I am struggling
with anything</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I continue on this
path... Sometimes for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, and sometimes it hangs
around for months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t stop me
from living. I am still present and find enjoyment in life…I’m just engaged in
an internal battle to not let it grab me and pull me under.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That happened in my younger years, and it was
something that even I can’t put on paper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At this moment I can’t articulate how it felt to let depression
momentarily win.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe a future blog
post...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">People
who don’t know me well, would never dream that I suffer from depression. There
are a handful of people who KNOW me and I trust deeply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the ones who typically see me during
these moments, and softly say, “You okay?” because they can tell I am not truly
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hide it very well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hide it for the same reason others with
depression hide it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a stigma
and it makes others uncomfortable around you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A lot of people feel like you can and should control your emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know... suck it up and deal with
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those are the same people who feel
like alcoholics should just not put themselves in the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>situation that leads to drinking and fat
people need to push away from the table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Well, I'm not sure if anything I can say here will change that
view.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can say that I can't comprehend
why an alcoholic needs a drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
struggle with it, so it easy for me to judge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can't know what everyone struggles with, but I know that most everyone
has something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just remember to be kind
and use some empathy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before you throw a
blanket statement out there about depression or suicide take a moment to sit
down with someone and understand their mind and their heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have read some really nasty comments about
the suicide of Robin Williams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one
chooses depression and no one with a healthy mind chooses suicide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may seem selfish to you that someone would
be sick enough to take their own life without regard to their family's
feelings, but most people who have attempted suicide and did not succeed will
tell you that they honestly thought their family and the world would be better
in general without them here on Earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is a mindset that you possibly can't understand, but should speak
gently about unless you do understand it. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now
most of my friends and acquaintances know about my anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most chalk it up to being a helicopter mom,
which I am, and slightly OCD...which I am!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Being an OCD helicopter mom is easier than having anxiety disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not uncomfortable for people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few jokes can be made about how I clean too
much and I watch over Hannah a little too close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People often envy the energy that my anxiety
requires.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see...a person with a busy
mind must stay busy, hence the really clean house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I am scrubbing base boards and making
tortillas from scratch I am not imaging my husband’s untimely death and how I
would tell our daughter he is never coming home. I don’t have to imagine what
it would be like to sleep in our bed without him, and so on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I assume you understand what I am saying
here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a coping mechanism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose it is healthy enough to be a busy
body. I haven't caused harm to my family yet outside of some additional
calories from my homemade baked goodies. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It
took many years for me to fully understand my anxiety and depression, many more
to get a somewhat healthy handle on both of them, and even more to realize that
they are just a part of who I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
better or worse I will always struggle with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days are better than others, but I
refuse to let them dictate my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
will do my best to live in the present and make good choices to ensure they
don’t<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>interfere with this perfect little
life of mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say they are part of the
perfection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all I wouldn’t be who
I am today without them and lets face it...I am a darn good mom and wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm not too shabby at my career either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's just yet another choice I make to let my
uniqueness make me a better person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Trust me I don’t feel this positive every second of everyday, but I am
the majority of the time and that will just have to be enough. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you
suffer from depression please know that you are not alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Know that you are not broken or less of a
person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Know that this world is a better
place because you are in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Know that
someone is happier and whole because you are a part of their life. Don’t be
afraid to admit that something is not right and seek help for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is simply a small piece of the bigger part
that makes you who you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can use
your life and your struggle to better yourself and shine a light on someone
else in the darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God intended for
us to use our testimony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loves you
even when you think you should be "better" and "trust
him".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He made you just how you are
and he has equipped you to overcome and reach out. That is the definition of
evangelism. Turn something you think is awful into something powerful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You do have a say in all this. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-71285276370264606462014-08-08T15:51:00.000-07:002014-08-08T16:03:41.968-07:00The Perfect Life I Have Chosen to Live<blockquote style="font-family: Helvetica;" type="cite">
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I wake up to the soft light peering through my bedroom window and shut my eyes back closed again. I think to myself, <i>I need to get up… </i>I’m not a morning person so I lie very still and drift back to sleep. I hear my husband’s alarm go off on his phone and feel the bed move as he hits snooze. My Yorkie is now dancing around on the hardwood below letting us know he is ready to go outside. I finally get my eyes to open fully and turn over to see my husband. He is really beautiful. I especially love him in the mornings. He is so warm and soft, and he smells like fresh linen and what I can only imagine to be heaven. I scoot beside him and put my hand on his chest. I take a minute to just feel his chest rise and fall while I say a prayer over him for the day. I doubt he even knows I do this most days we wake up together. He is my center and my peace on this Earth. He is the one person that I know I can always turn to and count on. He is loving and patient, but brutally honest with me. He is exactly what I need in this life. I kiss his stubbly check and decide to get out of the bed. </div>
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I slip on my favorite ratty pink robe, slip on my navy blue house shoes that have unraveling gray bows, and head to the kitchen. I look around our little home and I feel at peace. I love our house. James and I spent many years making it just the way we wanted it. All of my favorite things are situated just where I want them, neat and tidy. I walk down the hall and yell at my pre-teen daughter to get up. This is not a place for gentleness in my life. She is a beast in the morning! I can’t show fear. I walk back to the kitchen and begin making breakfast for my family and brewing me a cup of coffee. I use this time to talk to God about my day. I pray over Hannah and ask God to protect her and guide her through her day. I hate all the darkness in our world that has been accepted as the “norm”. Her mind is young and impressionable. I want so badly for her to never make a mistake, but I know this is not reasonable and she will make plenty of them. My prayer is that I teach her the important things and she always feels like she can talk to me about anything.</div>
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I crack an egg and drop its contents into the hot skillet as I yell out a second warning to Hannah to get out of bed. I hear her moan back at me. I push down two pieces of toast and watch the red hot heat begin to crisp the bread. James walks into living area and heads straight to the back door to let the yelping Yorkie back into the house. He follows behind them into the kitchen. I feel his hand on back my back as he reaches around me for his prescriptions. He says, “That smells good. Is your child up yet?” We always refer to her as the other person’s child when she is being difficult. I smile and say, “Of course not.” He turns quickly and heads down the hall to her room banging on the walls and yelling her name to a made up annoying tune. I hear her protest by moaning loudly, “I’m up Dad!” She shifts her feet slowly to the bathroom. I hear her bathroom door shut and I yell, “Hannah! Brush your teeth!” I think to myself, <i>why do I still have to remind an 11 year old to brush her teeth? </i>I run my tongue across my back teeth and feel the crowns that cap my damaged teeth and wish someone would have reminded me as a child. But this is part of what I love about being her mom, and being a wife. I love taking care of these two and offering them all of the love they deserve. They give me so much back, so much that I feel I don’t deserve. I don’t deserve this life. This life is amazing! It is…well…it is perfect. Why do I feel so bad saying that? Why am I supposed to feel bad for verbalizing that this life is perfect to ME? It is.</div>
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I have written a lot about my childhood. Most that know my story know that life then was very different than life now. I think many times that the simple perfection I see in this life I live is pure perspective and the humility that perspective instills.</div>
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per·fect- adjective ˈpərfikt/: having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.</div>
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This word describes my existence perfectly, no pun intended! My life has all the required and desirable elements. It is as good as it is possible to be. I have lived through times of want and even times of need. I have survived with less than was required; much less desirable. I know what it is like to be unhappy. There was a time in my life when I thought that was the only option in life. Option. Now, there is a word. This word brings me to my point. Life is basically options. Every single choice you make has a consequence. You choose to finish high school with good grades. You choose to attend college or enter the workforce after high school. You choose the person you want to marry. You choose to have children. You choose your faith and how you will live and respect it. You choose to go to work every day and how you will perform your task. You choose the type of marriage you will have. You choose how you will raise your children, and so on onto every tiny detail of your existence. The thing that many people don’t realize is that you are free to make any choice you see fit, but you will always face the consequences of those choices. </div>
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My poor daughter gets this lecture more than most children probably do. From the tiny cavity she had filled to the first F she received for not turning in an assignment in the 5<sup>th</sup> grade. Every time something “bad” happens I am quick to remind her of the choice she made that landed her in hot water. I’m sure she silently thinks, <i>This again… Sigh! </i> But, I will continue to remind her that she is in complete control of her destiny. One of my biggest peeves is when people use the scripture that God is in control as an excuse. God is in control, but he expects you to do your part. Don’t pray for God to bless your finances and CHOOSE not draw up a budget. Don’t ask God to bless your marriage and CHOOSE to be a disrespectful spouse. Don’t ask God to lead your family and CHOOSE to put yourself in places where you are easily tempted to stray from his plan. God did not make you to be a mindless person in this world he made you with freewill.</div>
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Looking back over my life with James I get frustrated and sometimes downright tickled at the bad choices we made when we were younger (sometimes at the ones we still make today). I know that life could have been so much easier had we not fought ourselves along the way. We created so much financial burden that did not have to exist. I remember sitting up at night with burdens heavy on my mind, occupying the space that God should have held. In those moments I should have realized this truth, but it would take many years before I would come to understand the effect this had on me as an individual, and my family as a whole. Finances alone were not the only bad choices I made. </div>
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Let me just go ahead and say I wasn’t the easiest person to love. My husband just read this and shouted a silent AMEN! I was hell on wheels. I had been raised in an inconsistent chaotic, sometimes very unloving environment, so I didn’t know. I. Just. Didn’t. Know. You know what I mean. I was an immature scared little know it all. When I took my vows before God I had probably never even read what the scripture said about being a wife, but my husband CHOSE to love me and see past what I was. He fulfilled his role as husband and taught me what it meant to truly love a spouse…to love another human being. Over the years with prayer I have CHOSEN to learn how to control my temper and my mouth (most days). My mother cussed like a sailor and unfortunately those words slip from my tongue so easily… I have learned what it means to receive unconditional love and give it right back to those around me. It’s tough to make the right choices, but when you do you are at peace and that is priceless. In my opinion peace is worth sharing. </div>
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I always tell Hannah (and myself) the hardest person to be honest with is yourself. No one wants to think they are doing anything “wrong”. It is hard to see ourselves as anything other than loving intelligent beings, but the harsh truth is we aren’t sometimes. It’s okay to slip and fall every now and again, heck I feel like I do it daily. What matters is that you are honest with yourself and CHOOSE better for yourself. James and I just recently were talking about how lazy we have gotten about Sunday School. We don’t HAVE to go to Sunday School. It is not required by anyone, but we CHOOSE to do so in order to learn about God and grow in him. It matters to us to grow in our faith and to share it with Hannah. How can we teach her to follow God if we are unsure of our own faith? We can’t. </div>
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Somewhere along the way of getting lazy we both drifted away from God just a little. Not necessarily because of Sunday School…that was really just an example. We drifted in our personal walks and we felt it! We were moodier and more anxious about things. We weren’t as attentive to our budget. Just small things that we know we do, and weren’t doing. It took some real moments over the past few months with each other where we were both accountable and CHOSE to get back to where we need to be as individuals, a couple, and a family. The good thing about being a Christian is that you serve a God that doesn’t give up on you…even when he should.</div>
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So yes, my life is perfect to me. I made a very important series of decisions over many days that added up to years. I slipped and fell. I prayed and got back up with God’s help. My life could have gone many directions. I could have blamed the outcome on bad choices my parents made, but in the end there are no excuses for your life outside of what you choose to make it. The important thing to remember is happiness truly does not come from anything outside of you…it is what lives in you. If you truly have God in your heart he does use the Holy Spirit to convict your choices. You find yourself content with things, because you aren’t searching for what is missing…what is out of place. We were created for God to live in our hearts…not to be without fault, but to realize when we are and to not be okay with it. We were made to live in his likeness and that is where our soul will always find peace.</div>
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So my perfect life that I have chosen is really not in the things outside of me. It is not my very good looking husband, my beautiful daughter, our perfectly decorated little home. It is not in my savings or checking accounts. It is not in the cars we drive. It is his presence that lives inside of me, inside of James and Hannah. It is his peace that resides in us as a family that allows life to have the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics. He makes it as good as it is can possibly be! I know this because there are many people with more than what I have without peace. There are people with less that still have contentment despite their circumstances. The world around us can change, but when we are centered in him we aren’t as shaken.</div>
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The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. ~ Proverbs 16:9 (ESV)</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-5601089316485912952014-01-24T18:05:00.000-08:002014-01-24T18:33:47.890-08:00What it Feels Like to be Skinny and Pretty: Your Legacy<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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my face. I catch a glimpse of the absolute disdain on my face before I
clear my thoughts, sigh, and pull my oversized t-shirt over my head. I am
fat. I know this because I own a mirror, but I also know this because
people at school feel the need to remind me of it on a daily basis.
Sometimes it’s not in what they say, but how they look at me (or don’t for that
matter) and how they treat me. The funny thing is it’s not always the
kids. Teachers, although with best intentions, encourage me by telling me
what a “pretty face” I have. After this constant reminder I return home
from school to the only solace I know of the turbulent childhood; my living
room floor with my favorite junk food. I turn on the TV and watch shows
with clear lines of right and wrong, simple plots where the lesson is always
learned, and in the end good prevails. I love this television
world. I laugh and get lost in a world that is not my own. I enjoy
the escape of reality through the one of the main avenues which plunges me
deeper into the sadness I can’t escape when the Doritos bag is empty and the
television blinks off; overeating. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When did I learn to hate myself? I’m not sure.
My mother hated her body. I am pretty sure she blamed my Dad’s numerous
extramarital affairs on the fluctuation of her weight on the bathroom scales.
She would eat and simultaneously talk about how she wished she had more
self-control when it came to food. Then she wouldn’t eat for months and she
would drop weight in her new yo-yo diet experiment. I can see her
standing over the stove talking into the phone; the spiral phone cord wrapped
around her female frame. I remember looking at her body thinking how
pretty she was. “Yes girl! I am loving this new diet. They send you the
packets in the mail. You basically drink two shakes a day; one for
breakfast and one for lunch. The soup packet is for supper. It
actually tastes really good”. I watch her dissolve the packet into the
boiling water. The thin broth bubbling and the mini ‘noodles’ dancing
around the sauce pan. She continues, “I drink a lot of water! It
helps me to not be so hungry. No salt or pepper for sure. Yes
girl…I’m going to be ready for the lake this year! I have that bikini you
know. Getting into it is my goal. I’m trying it on everyday so I
can see how fat I am, and then maybe I will stick with it this time.” I
look down at my peanut butter sandwich and think <i>maybe I should eat some
soup instead</i>. Surely if I partake in this magical plan I can be
skinny too. <i>Maybe I will be pretty</i>. <i>But isn’t Mom pretty
now? What is pretty? Is pretty just skinny?</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Looking back now I know that my mother’s actions were in no
way intended to cause permanent damage to my personal body image, but I’m sure
that it did. The older I got and the harder it became for me to control
my weight the more my mother tried to intervene the best she could.
I walked into the kitchen one night after a long day with my disparaging
6<sup>th</sup> grade peer group. My mom had a checkbook register
out. My name was scribbled at the top. She looked up with a smile
and started to speak with artificial enthusiasm, “Jodie I am so excited! We are
going to do weight watchers together. All your food has points and you
just write them down here and don’t go over them. You don’t need more
than 20 grams of fat a day. Ok?” She looks at me to gauge my
understanding. “Ok”, I replied not sure what in the world was going
on. Dinner was cooking and it smelled good. My mom made my
plate. She took boiled deboned chicken and placed it on a small plastic
kitchen scale. She meticulously removed small bits of the bland meat from
the scale until it landed on the number that was correct for my future fit
frame. She generously scooped my unseasoned green beans onto my
plate. “You can have all the green beans you want”, she said happily.
I sat down and ate my tasteless meal and wondered why God made me fat. Why did
God choose to make me ugly? These “diets” would only last until my mom fell off
the food addict wagon. Within a weeks’ time I walked into the house and
there was a bucket of KFC and all the trimmings awaiting us for dinner.
The little Debbie cakes would be placed back under the microwave in the
cabinet. I was silently thankful. Eating was one of the few things
that really made me happy between my parent’s turbulent marriage, the ongoing
abuse, and the cruelty of school. I looked forward to my bubble. I
wanted to sit down, eat, and watch the world as it should be inside the
TV. The confusion grew. The self-hatred and disappointment brewed
within. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had made it to through my 10<sup>th</sup> grade
year. Over the years I had learned how to be quiet. I had learned
how to fade into the background and go unnoticed for the most part. It
seemed as though most of my peers had started to mature and the name calling
and jokes eased up since starting at the Senior High. I really wanted a
boyfriend, but I was well aware that I was too ugly and too fat to deserve
one. So, I just dreamt about it. One night I was lying in bed
almost asleep, thinking about life, and I suddenly decided I was done with
being fat. I made a pledge to not eat anything else that was “bad” (in
that moment that was anything that was food) and I would exercise until my body
would become what I had always wanted it to be…skinny and pretty. I woke
up the following morning with as much or possibly more determination than I had
the night before. Just to make a point I skipped breakfast. I
grabbed an overripe banana off the counter (fruit was never in great supply at
our house). That banana was the only thing I ate that day. I drank
water until I felt as though I would burst. I had saved money from
babysitting and found a used treadmill in the paper. My dad took me to
pick it up and placed it in my room. I walked on it every morning and
every evening until my legs cramped. I avoided food and mentally scolded
myself if I even thought of being hungry. I continued on this plan until
I woke up one morning and the scale said 195. I had lost right at 50
pounds. I couldn’t remember the last time I was less than 200 pounds!
I was a size 12 for the first time in my teenage existence. I stood in
front of the mirror, towel wrapped around my damp 6 foot frame, eyes
closed. I dropped the towel and opened my eyes. I started at my
legs and scanned upward. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I was… still fat and
still ugly. How could this be? I knew the problem
immediately. I was <b>so</b> fat that I hadn’t lost<b> enough </b>weight.
If I lose more weight then I will be skinny. Then I will be pretty. I
grabbed a chunk of meat on my hip and cursed to myself in the mirror. I
snatched the towel back up, wrapped it around myself, and continued my mission.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sat across from him at the diner. I was on a date,
our first date (my very first date ever). I forked the piece of lettuce
in front of me and put it in my mouth; very aware this gorgeous man who had
agreed to actually take me on a date was having to watch this cow stuff her
face. I looked up and caught a glimpse of something in his eyes. Was that
approval? Attraction? Okay he’s a nut case! That explains it all. That is
why he agreed to go on a date with me. Wonderful! He is going to kill me and
put me in a dumpster. I mean who would actually go out with me AND smile
at me like that…like he thinks I am pretty? I swallowed my lettuce and
sipped my water cautiously. Turns out he was a nut, but did not kill
me. He married me instead. My body image probably didn’t help our
marriage. Every time this beautiful man would tell me how pretty he
thought I was I would immediately try to convince him that he was wrong. I
would swat his hand away from my pudgy belly to spare him from being grossed
out by my disgusting body. But he didn’t give up. He would grab me,
squeeze me tight, and remind that he could tell me I was pretty anytime he
wanted. Fifteen years later and an immense battle within me…something
wonderful happened…I started to believe him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During that time I also gave birth to our perfect little
girl. The birth of my daughter definitely complicated matters in the
arena of self-loathing vs. self- acceptance. I have found that with all
things, including body image, it is hard to break away from what has been
ingrained in our heads. I continued my battle with food and weight in
epic proportions through her early life. Still very immature I continued
the subconscious battle with myself right in front of her. I was getting
ready to go out to dinner one night swearing at the sight of my oversized gut
under the sweater I decided to wear. Everyone knows fat girls should not wear
sweaters I mused to myself. I walked into the living room where James was
playing with our toddler. She was running from him with her tiny blonde
pig tails dancing on top of her head. She let out a huge laugh and her
perfect little white baby teeth gleamed beneath her pink lips. “James do
I look fat in this?” He looked up at me and before he could speak Hannah
repeated my new word, “Fat!” she said matter-of-factly. As she did with
all new words she repeated it again. I watched her tiny lips carefully form into
the syllables of this foreign word. A word I hoped she would never
encounter; suddenly well aware that I had been the very one to introduce it to
her. James smiled a knowing smile at me, scooped Hannah up, walked to me,
kissed me and said, “Momma looks pretty. Both of my girls are
pretty.” He shook her little body drawing out a loud giggle that in turn
made me smile. He kissed me and held Hannah out where she could plant a sweet
little kiss on my cheek too. I would like to say that was the last time I
slipped up in front of her, but that would be a lie. It is the language
of women… fat, ugly, muffin top, thigh gap, cellulitis, dimples, wrinkles, dark
spots… the vocabulary to dissect and disrespect the bodies God blessed us with
is endless really. It is a lesson that we receive early in life and quickly
pass down to our daughters; whether we intend to or not.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My daughter continues to grow and mature. Her body
seems to change daily. I watch her get ready in the mornings dissatisfied
with what she sees in the mirror. Of course I see amazing beauty
reflecting back at us. I see my eyes and her father’s lips. Her
Maw’s cheeks and jaw line. I see beautiful freckles that dot her forehead
and nose. I see all the people who I love and love her in that face. She
is going to be tall, a trait I hated about myself of course, but I suddenly see
the beauty in our lofty frames. I feel the empowerment it can bring if
only we allow it. I try to point that out to her. I have been
careful to never speak of being fat or skinny in relation to her body. I
consciously try to encourage healthy eating and exercise that makes her strong.
But there are days when my poor eating habits directly influence her
eating. I know this. I know that I am not perfect, as much as I
want to be perfect for her. I’m hopeful that she can use my inadequacies
to learn from and grow from. But I am also very aware she will have to
embrace her own and learn from them as well. I guess my overall objective is to
be honest and up front with her about all of this and try to change her
perspective to a healthier one. I want her to understand that skinny is not
necessarily healthy. I want her to love her body because it is an
unbelievable thing that God gave her. I want her to see the beauty in the
things she is able to accomplish with it. I want so many things about her
to be more important to her than the number that scale spits out at her when
she stands on it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sure many mothers want this. But in order for me
to make this dream of a new way for my daughter a reality I have to fully
redefine all of this in my head. I must wash out generations of learned
behaviors and the overwhelming propaganda of society in order to establish a
new vision of skinny and pretty. So what does it mean to me, Jodie
Howell, to be skinny and pretty?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well I guess I must drop the towel and look back at the
mirror once more. I see a strong 6 foot frame. My height gives me
the ability to see over everyone else at school plays and wave to my anxious
daughter who is scanning the crowd to find me. I see my grandmother’s blue eyes
and high cheekbones. I see full lips and a long neck that my husband loves to
kiss. I see broad shoulders that were able to boost my daughter high in the air
at various events ensuring she didn’t miss anything life was ready to show her.
I see uneven breast that fed my tiny little baby for the first part of
her life helping her to grow strong and intelligent. I see unmanicured hands
that cook nurturing food, bandage up scrapes, and sooth away almost any
discomfort for my daughter and husband. I see long arms that can easily
fold around my husband’s wide shoulders when he needs a hug after a long day. I
see the life-changing scar on my lower abdomen that is a reminder of the day my
body brought my precious daughter into this world. I see meaty thighs
that are the most comfortable for my daughter to sit on. I see strong calves
that help to carry me the distance it takes to be a woman who works full time
while being a mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend, Girl Scout leader, and
confidant to those who need me the most in this life. I am rather stunning to
be honest. And so are you. The next time you stand in front of the
mirror to assess yourself rip the glasses of hate off of your face and see the
beauty that others see in you. Look at the reflection in the mirror as
you do your daughters. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
<br>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgblee3NGTu0SnRAjb4YXaKGeMxtZdpNsPRDkp5BHp53fhmqH6_1rQdOVxK4tzZEGBlIUP9LhRwJxI_G6XHl4bdKauamg2cD9D7LbLvgOASg35doVXmOzNW3pI-xa-FokagvzuaMDkXMuU/s1600/224391_10201020923153142_212829285_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgblee3NGTu0SnRAjb4YXaKGeMxtZdpNsPRDkp5BHp53fhmqH6_1rQdOVxK4tzZEGBlIUP9LhRwJxI_G6XHl4bdKauamg2cD9D7LbLvgOASg35doVXmOzNW3pI-xa-FokagvzuaMDkXMuU/s1600/224391_10201020923153142_212829285_n.jpg" height="320" width="289"></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-2029008916307518462013-11-23T20:57:00.000-08:002013-11-24T05:22:56.038-08:00The Magic of Christmas<br>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 200%;">I look up, over my vegetable beef
soup, and see her smiling at me as she tells me another story.</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">She lets out a laugh and I laugh too.</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">I love to listen to her laughter.</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">It is a noise that has brought me pure joy
since the first slobbery smile and coo she was able to let out.</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">I go on eating my soup and talking with her
and her dad when she says, “Mom do you believe in Santa?”</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">I pause and think a moment.</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">Obviously she is asking me this because she
has some doubts.</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">I reply, “I believe in
the magic of Christmas.”</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">Yes I know this
is a copout, but I guess I just cant come out and say that Santa isn’t
real.</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">I’m not really sure why I cant
exactly.</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">Santa Clause isn’t that big of
a deal, right?</span><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I look away into the soft light of
the Christmas tree and think back to the day James and I met. I see him smiling at me as I walk down the
isle to become his wife. I see him nervously standing outside the bathroom door
as I pee on the 6<sup>th</sup> pregnancy test; all laying on the counter with a
faint pink line, I see his face full of love and amazement as he holds our tiny
bundle of love in his huge hands gently stroking her tiny cheek and speaking
words of love so softly to her. I recall
him struggling to stand up the gigantic Christmas tree I insisted on having
Hannah’s first Christmas. After we got
it wedged under our ceiling I placed her under it and took a picture with her
huge smile; all gums with two brand new teeth jutting up proudly from the
bottom of her tiny slobber covered mouth.
The memories of the past nine Christmas eves flood my mind. Staying up late with James as we waited for a
very excited little girl to finally pass out, then jumping into action with
laughter and excitement as we predicted how excited she would be for the gifts
to be found under the tree. I feel the
bounce of a messy haired, rosy-cheeked little girl, as she excitedly wakes up to
see what Santa has left her. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I hear my name and am brought back
to the conversation. She has moved on to James and posed her question of belief
to him. He responds a plain “Yes” not
yet wanting to let Santa go either. But
what I have realized as I watch him try to answer her is that it is not Santa
that is the big deal…it is the fact that this life, the unbelievably wonderful
life we stumbled upon 15 years ago, is speeding by so very fast. Both of us want to hold on to this amazing
life, just as it is, for as long as we can.
However, we both realistically know that it can’t. We can’t stop time. So, I clear my throat and I ask her straight
on, “Hannah, what do you believe?” She
smiles a sad smile and whispers back, “Mom I believe in the magic of Christmas,
but I don’t believe in the old man that drives a sleigh.” I take a deep breath and I tell her, “The
magic of Christmas is something that Mommies and Daddies create for their
babies. Daddy and I created this for you
too. We loved how much joy it brought
you.” She smiles and says, “I know it
makes you happy and it makes me happy too, so you can keep moving Charlie (her
elf) and leaving my gifts under the tree.”
I look at her and love her even more than I thought was possible as I
realize she wants to keep these things that make her happy, but she also wants
me to keep these traditions that she knows make me so happy too. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I thankfully realize that I need
Christmas tree hooks and excuse myself to Fred’s. I put on my coat and push the front door
open. I feel the cold air hit my face
and the hot tears begin to stream down my cheeks. Why does it all have to go by so fast? I vividly recall her being a baby so
helpless. Sometimes the weight of the
job of being a mother during the infant/toddler years weighed heavy and I often
thought I would never have another moment to myself. I would feed, burp, change diapers, call in
to work yet again with another ear infection, walk and bounce her endlessly
through the night as she screamed with an upset tummy. In those moments I would mother her and simultaneously
wish for a time when it would be easier.
Now as time begins to speed by and she pulls away from me more and more
I find myself wishing for the moments when I was feeding my hungry little baby,
skin to skin, just me and her in silence in the middle of the night. I can feel her chubby little hand reach up
and grab my lips; her big blue eyes looking into mine, never stopping greedily
suckling. She was so close to me, so
content with just me as her eyes grew heavy and her sucking grew weak. I would watch her drift off and very
carefully put her to bed praying for enough sleep to function the next day at
work. Snarling at the irony that
breastfeeding made me sleepy too. If
only I knew how fast it would all go, would I have been less hurried to rock
her to sleep? Would I have not silently
wished for more rest? Would I have
slowed down when I dropped her off a day care in a rush to get to work on
time? Tonight I am going to say I would
have definitely slowed down a little bit. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I try now to slow down too. I try
to capture all the moments I can on camera, and share them on Facebook
too. I try to hold on to the magic of
each Christmas for I know that even the Christmases we celebrate under one roof
will end too soon, as she continues to grow so fast, and will soon start a life
away from me and our home. My heart aches a little at
this thought, but it also swells with pride at the beautiful young woman she is
becoming. So I guess I will continue to
treasure memories and look forward to all that is to come as I watch her grow
into all the plans God has for her. I know without a doubt they are plans for her
to prosper. Jeremiah 29:11<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-52524291483867922062013-05-20T13:20:00.000-07:002013-05-20T13:20:25.840-07:00She Taught Me What Love Really Was<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I don’t want to confuse any of you as I speak about my
mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of you may think she had
only one daughter, but really she had 4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was lucky enough to be one of the women who got to marry one of her
sons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when I say “my mom” believe me
when I say she was just that. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I always joke with the family about the Howells not showing
emotion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see they really aren’t a
people of many words; which is funny because all I do is talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is why you see me up here talking right
now despite how hard it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to
ramble at mom one more time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure
she is probably looking down thinking “That girl is still running her
mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good grief!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I sat down to write the words I wanted to
say to her that is what kept creeping into my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just didn’t fully understand what love was
like Mom did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t fully get it
until now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom knew that love was not
words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So today I want to tell you about
my Mom’s love.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is making a wedding cake for the girl your baby son fell
in love with just how she dreamed it would look on her big day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is helping your son and very pregnant daughter in law
paint a nursery pink because your son was freaking out about his unborn child
getting poisoned by paint fumes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is holding that new baby girl and offering all the love
and support you can even when the new mom isn’t as receptive as she should be,
but you understand that her mom is gone and this must be really hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still you are quietly there helping as you
can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Guiding and teaching even when that
young mom doesn’t realize what you are doing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is being excited over every tiny milestone your
grandchildren and great grandchildren master over the years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Probably more excited than the parents
because you know how fast all of this goes and how important it is to savor
even the tiniest accomplishments. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is showing up every day in the car pick-up line to get
your granddaughter, who likes to talk even more than her moma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heading straight to Sonic and sneaking ice
cream that this mom would not approve of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Daring her to say one word about
it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is sitting on the front porch in your rocking chair
while that little girl digs in the dirt with a spoon and colors your concrete
steps with sidewalk chalk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not caring
that your yard may not be pretty or that chalk dust will be tracked all through
your house.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is early morning rummage sales and negotiating big buys
on stuffed purple unicorns, tattered puppy posters, and tarnished costume
jewelry. Knowing the treasures lay in the time spent with a little one that
loved her so dearly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is homemade chicken soup on my kitchen counter after a
drive home from work when all I could think was, Man I don’t want to cook tonight!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is cabbage casserole on my birthday because she knew it
was my favorite meal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Love is knowing God, having received his love, and knowing
how to give that love to those around you…even the ones that don’t always
deserve it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom’s love was instilled in
each of her children and is being passed down to her grandchildren and
great-grandchildren.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I’m so thankful for the huge part she played in my child’s
raising.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that my daughter’s
strong Christian faith has so much to do with her Maw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that my faith has everything to do
with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through her love and the love
she gave her son I have been changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have become closer to God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What better
gift can one give another person?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Thank you for loving all of us mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you for making us all feel so
special.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you for being so selfless
with your life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything you gave made
us stronger Christians, and I know that your reward in heaven is great.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span class="usercontent"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Proverbs 31:26-31 "She speaks
with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the
affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children
arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he pr</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">aises
her: Many woman do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is
deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be
praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise
at the city gate."</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-20684885690741897412013-05-11T15:32:00.001-07:002013-05-11T15:32:49.249-07:00Forgiveness: There is a Time for Everything<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">The beautiful bright autumn leaves are falling all around
me.<span> </span>I look up from the pile of leaves I
am trying to corral and watch as the wind challenges my efforts by picking up
the leaves from the top of the heap, and scattering them back over the fading green
grass.<span> </span>I feel warmth in the area between
my thumb and pointer finger.<span> </span>When I look
down at my hand I notice the skin there turning pink from the friction between
my hand and the wooden rake handle.<span> </span>It
is finally fall and I am very excited.<span>
</span>This is my mother’s favorite time of year.<span> </span>I look down the yard a ways and see her
raking leaves into a pile of ash and flames in our front ditch.<span> </span>She looks up and our eyes meet.<span> </span>Her face lights up in a smile that goes all
the way to her eyes.<span> </span>She yells for me to
come to her.<span> </span>I walk toward her and take
her in.<span> </span>She is barely 5 foot tall, and
as of right now her frame is full including breast that were entirely too big
for such a short woman.<span> </span>Most of my life
my mom has been on a diet.<span> </span>Her weight
fluctuates and she can never quite get it under control and keep it where she
feels happy with herself.<span> </span>Her thin brown
hair whips in the wind.<span> </span>Her face is free
of make-up, as it is most days, and her round cheeks are slightly chapped due
to the cold autumn wind.<span> </span>She is wearing
mismatched jogging pants and an oversized print t-shirt.<span> </span>“The wind is making this hard, huh?” she asks
as she leans against her rake slightly out of breath.<span> </span>“Yea”, I respond, “but I don’t mind.<span> </span>I love the leaves and it feels so good out
here today.”<span> </span>She nods in agreement.<span> </span>“You want to go inside and make some hot
chocolate?”<span> </span>I bought some at the grocery
store the other day.”<span> </span>I nod my head excitedly.<span> </span>There is nothing this little chubby girl
wants more than hot chocolate. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">We get our hot chocolate made and sit side by side
with our legs dangling off the side of our front porch.<span> </span>We live at the corner and entrance of our
neighborhood.<span> </span>It is actually a very nice
area, but we live in the little trailer built onto.<span> </span>The further you drive into the neighborhood
the nicer the houses get. Car after car go by and person after person waves,
some even honk at us and smile. Everyone knows my mom whether they want to or
not. She has the gift of gab.<span> </span>She loves
to talk to people, all people.<span> </span>I
remember at her funeral visitation people from all walks of life, bikers to
business men, coming to pay their respects. I, on the other hand, am extremely
shy and hate going anywhere with her because I know I will be forced to talk to
people while she points out how shy I am.<span>
</span>Looking back on memories of my mom this was a great day as we sat
peacefully drinking our hot chocolate, talking about carving a pumpkin for
Halloween, and how many lights we were going to put out for Christmas this
year.<span> </span>The only thing my mother loved
more than fall was Christmas. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Who left their damn shoes in the floor?” I jump as
I hear her scream.<span> </span>“I am so sick of
living in this nasty ass house!<span> </span>No one
cares that the house is filthy.<span> </span>It’s
like you all love living in filth! I can’t have anything nice because all you
do is destroy it!”<span> </span>I look up from the
book I am reading on the couch and lock eyes with her as she approaches
me.<span> </span>She sees the fear in my eyes.<span> </span>I look closely at her trying to find a hint
of the person who sat side by side with me and drank hot chocolate earlier. She
is not there.<span> </span>I start to apologize, but
she cuts me off.<span> </span>“You’re not very damn
sorry or you would get off your lazy ass and pick up the house.<span> </span>Don’t you think?”<span> </span>I try to respond and squeak out a “Yes…” but
she cuts me off again.<span> </span>“I don’t want to
hear your lies Jodie! Not again. “She mimics a voice that is supposed to be me…
“I’m sorry mom.<span> </span>I’ll do better”, then
she turns back to her anger laced tone, “Yea right! All you’re gonna do is sit
there and take up space while I break my back to keep this house cleaned. Go to
your room and get out of my sight.<span> </span>You
make me sick!”<span> </span>I stand up and walk past
her.<span> </span>I brace myself for the hard smack
that is to come.<span> </span>I’m not sure where she
will hit me, the back of my head, my behind, or my legs. <span> </span>All are possibilities so I just brace for
it.<span> </span>I walk past her and I feel the sting
of her hand across the back of my head.<span>
</span>The jolt causes me to bite down on my tongue.<span> </span>I feel the tears stinging my eyes, but I hold
it together as I swiftly head to my safe destination out of sight.<span> </span>I reach down to grab the shoes which
triggered her anger and she grabs my arm.<span>
</span>I freeze.<span> </span>“Don’t pick them up
now! For God sake…no! You like being filthy.<span>
</span>You love living in disgust.<span>
</span>You’re too good to pick up anything, so by all means leave them there
for me to get!” I look up at her and see her tiny bottom teeth; a prominent
feature when she is enraged. She moves her other arm and I flinch.<span> </span>She sees me flinch and I see her eyes
immediately change.<span> </span>Some of the rage
leaves her and a flicker of what seems like regret flashes across her
face.<span> </span>She looks down where she is
squeezing my arm and loosens her grip.<span>
</span>She looks back up at my eyes, blinks, and says in a more unsure tone,
“Go to your room.”<span> </span>The organic fury that
was there is gone and her current anger seems more an attempt to hold her
ground and finish what she started despite the fact that she seems to have
realized she overreacted.<span> </span>This
realization didn’t always come when it needed to.<span> </span>Many times punishments for tiny infringements
were grave, and that uncertainty was the hardest part of living with my
mom.<span> </span><span> </span>Looking back on incidents like this make me
wonder how much she was really able to control when it came to her temper.<span> </span>At times it seemed like even she disapproved
of the way she responded to things that upset her, but she still couldn’t or
wouldn’t overcome it.<span> </span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I quickly and quietly shut the door behind me and sit
silently on my bed.<span> </span>I hold my tears in
for now in case she decides to come into my room. She doesn’t like to see the
negative consequences of her actions, and showing that she hurt me, more
emotionally than physically will cause her to spin out of control into an angry
fit again.<span> </span>No, I will wait until tonight
when everyone is sleeping and cry then.<span>
</span>I start to nervously clean my room until everything is in the exact
right spot.<span> </span>I sit on my made bed and
start to read again.<span> </span>Later that evening
my door opens and she appears in the doorway.<span>
</span>“Hey there.<span> </span>You still reading
that book?” she says in a playfully exasperated tone.<span> </span>I shake my head and smile to show her there
are no hard feelings.<span> </span>My mom doesn’t
like to apologize… with words that is.<span>
</span>She continues, “You read more than any child I know! I made your
favorite for supper.<span> </span>Tacos and Cheese
dip!<span> </span>Come on and we will eat.<span> </span>Maybe after supper we can go get some ice
cream since it is just you and me.<span> </span>It’ll
be a special treat for just us.”<span> </span>I jump
up and head into the kitchen.<span> </span>We make
our plates in silence and head to the living room to watch Designing Women and
the Golden Girls as we eat our tacos.<span> </span>We
laugh at the characters and the witty plots talking about how much Ma reminds
us of Grandma Jettie and Rose reminds us of Mamaw Tucker.<span> </span>The earlier infringement is silently forgiven
but never forgotten, as I learn how to navigate the choppy emotional waters of
my mother’s existence.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Peace and solitude would come in stents of hours to
months.<span> </span>We would be coasting along and
the tranquility would plunge into unsafe and unsure places within mere moments.
The valleys would consist of a simple emotional abuse to physical attacks that
left their visible marks on my body. Through it all some of the greatest abuse
endured was that of simple neglect.<span> </span>The
absence of intervention to protect me from horrible and prolonged sexual abuse even
after she knew it was happening.<span> </span>It shocks
many people to know that after my mother learned of the abuse, I was still
subjected to years of interaction with the abusers.<span> </span>No action was taken against any of them
legally or even socially.<span> </span>They were
still a part of my everyday life.<span> </span>My
mother’s response to me regarding the abuse was, “It happens to all little
girls”.<span> </span>Looking back on my childhood now
I realize the situation was all greatly complicated by drug and alcohol abuse;
amongst other things. I sometimes describe my childhood as the “Perfect
Storm”.<span> </span>I don’t think that one big thing
caused the entire hurt and emotional trauma. It was really a thousand small
things that all added up to what was more than any child should have had to
endure. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">As a grown woman who has decided to make peace with
my childhood it has become apparent to me that I must look back and find the
good that was in my mother, remember it, and cherish it.<span> </span>So today…in celebration of Mother’s day, as a
gift to my mom, myself and most importantly my daughter I want to give my
mother complete and total forgiveness.<span> </span>I
want to remember some of the wonderful things about her and I want to mourn the
loss of my mother and the woman she was starting to become as she aged and
matured. <span> </span>I have come to the conclusion
that maybe some people take more time to get where they need to be in life.<span> </span>I choose to believe my Mom was one of those
people.<span> </span>Do I wish she would have gotten there
and been settled before I was born? <span> </span>Do I
wish she would have protected and made me feel loved? Do I wish that my
childhood and relationship with my mom would have been a healthy one?<span> </span>Sure.<span>
</span>But, I know this for sure: holding onto anger over what wasn’t…will not
make it so now.<span> </span>At this point I have no
other option than to embrace the good that was inside her, even if the good
should have been more than just intentions, and celebrate it on this day.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I walked into the front door of my Mom and Dad’s
house and I see my mom sitting on the couch.<span>
</span>She is completely bald, her skin is dull and yellowed from the damage
the cancer and the chemotherapy has wrought on her body over the past decade.
Her brown eyes are sunken in and the hollows beneath her eyes are a dark
brown.<span> </span>I immediately notice the new
black fanny-pack beside her and the clear IV tubing running from it to her
medi-port.<span> </span>She looks a little hazy, but
she smiles and motions for me to sit beside her.<span> </span>I walk over in my nursing uniform, sit beside
her, assess her port, and ask what the new medication is.<span> </span>I am in my critical care rotation of nursing
school, so I deal with her health and treatment in the one way I feel best at,
as a nurse.<span> </span>She loved the fact that I
was in nursing school.<span> </span>“We have almost
made it!” my mom would say every time I completed another level of nursing
school physically and emotionally drained.<span>
</span>“I always wanted to be a nurse,” she would say to me, “but, it will be
close enough having you to become one.<span> </span>I
am so proud of you.<span> </span>You are so smart and
I always knew you would be something wonderful.” Many times she would go onto
to tell me of things that she wished she had done differently.<span> </span>During these conversations I saw the woman
who she was, the woman she knew she had been, and the woman she wished she
could go back and be if given the chance.<span>
</span>We talked more and got closer the last year of her life than I ever imagined
possible.<span> </span>I silently wished that I would
have had this woman as my mother growing up instead of the person I feared and
doubted truly loved me when I was a little girl.<span> </span>I would sit and wonder when it all went
wrong. But, I know now that being exposed to her regret during the seemingly
endless talks we would have as I sat beside her bed doing my homework <span> </span>at night would give me priceless insight and
clear direction into the woman and mother I wanted to be.<span> </span>I knew as she talked that I didn’t want to
get to the end of my life and have so many feelings of regret. Sometimes I
wanted to ask her where it all went wrong.<span>
</span>There had to have been a time when she was happy and content with being
a mother.<span> </span>Did the stress of life lead
her to this place of distance and neglect from my young childhood until now?<span> </span>I should have not been so scared to ask her
more questions, but 19 years of fearing her would not allow me to.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Over the many years my mom had battled breast cancer
she had received many in home therapies. So the presence of a new drug in the
black fanny pack did not frighten me.<span> </span>I
was curious to know what cool new medication she was taking and how it would
help her defeat the cancer that threatened to take her at such a young
age.<span> </span>I would always request the nurses
send home medication inserts or drug education leaflets, so I could research
the drug and completely understand how it would work and what to expect. <span> </span>I was her caregiver when she was too weak to
care for herself, and I guess understanding the treatments and caring for her
port were small ways I could control some of what was going on in regards to
the cancer and the fear of losing her.<span>
</span>I make my way to the seat beside her on the couch.<span> </span>She takes a deep breath and I see tears well
up in her dull tired eyes.<span> </span>She reaches
over and picks up my hand. She turns it palm up and pats our palms
together.<span> </span>This is something we used to
do when I was a little girl as we walked together at the grocery store and such.
<span> </span>“Dr. Hutchinson said the cancer is
pretty much all over now.<span> </span>She really
thinks that the chemo is not doing anything but making me sick…” she pauses
while holding my stare to gauge my reaction. I pause and try to take in what
she is saying.<span> </span>I momentarily feel like I
am stuck in time and I can’t really hear anything or feel anything.<span> </span>Ten years of remission and reoccurrence.<span> </span>Ten years of surgeries, ports, and
therapies.<span> </span>Ten years of fear but always
triumph.<span> </span>There has always been another treatment
option.<span> </span>There has always been the “next
step” when it came to the cancer.<span> </span>Dr.
Hutchinson walked on water as far as I was concerned.<span> </span>She always managed to make it work.<span> </span>To find a way… But here she sat with a
morphine drip to ease the pain and a hospice consult to help assist with her
end of life care.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Sitting beside her, staring into space, frozen with
fear I suddenly recall the day my mom found the knot in her right breast.<span> </span>It was a hot summer day and we had been
working in my grandmother’s garden.<span> </span>My
mom and I came inside to get a glass of ice water.<span> </span>We lay down side by side in my grandma’s
floor on each side of the air vent.<span> </span>My
mother’s large breast fell slightly over each side of her chest as she
stretched out on the floor beside me.<span>
</span>She reached up to scratch the side of her right breast as a trickle of
sweat ran down it under her t-shirt.<span> </span>She
froze and her hand stayed on that spot.<span>
</span>I noticed the immediate look of concern on her face.<span> </span>I asked her what was wrong and she said,
‘Feel right here.<span> </span>Do you feel
that?”<span> </span>I put my little fingers on her
breast and felt the tiny hard spot beneath her soft skin.<span> </span>I remember clearly how foreign it felt there.
As I moved my fingers it rolled beneath them but didn’t move with the
flexibility of the other breast tissue. I don’t clearly recall what all
happened after that, but I knew my mom had cancer, whatever that was, and she
had to have surgery.<span> </span>The surgery was
followed by radiation.<span> </span>The doctors felt
confident that such small spots and negative lymph nodes would result in full
remission.<span> </span>Little did they know the
cancer was still in her body and would return with a vengeance on her liver. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">The chemotherapy she received was “experimental” and
she had to stay at UAMS for months at a time due to the neutropenic state it
caused.<span> </span>One night as we pulled out of
the UAMS parking lot I missed her so much that I couldn’t stop crying.<span> </span>This broke my dad’s heart, so we didn’t go
home.<span> </span>He took me to the Mall on
University to buy her favorite perfume, Eternity.<span> </span>I was almost so excited that I forgot to put
the yellow mask on before barging back in her room.<span> </span>As soon as she looked up and saw us coming
back in she started crying.<span> </span>After she
opened her gift he had dad take us outside in the hallway, and the light above
her door came on.<span> </span>A minute later a nurse
walked in her room and after a only a few minutes walked back out.<span> </span>I waited patiently thinking they were
completing some treatment I didn’t need to be a part of.<span> </span>A few moments later the nurse rounded the
corner from the nurses’ desk with a huge smile on her face and a mask that was
different than the ones we got off the table outside my mom’s room.<span> </span>This one was not as flimsy.<span> </span>She told my dad we could come back in.<span> </span>We followed behind her as she nodded yes and
handed my mom the mask.<span> </span>Mom motioned for
me to sit beside her and she said, “Do you want to have a sleep over with
me?”<span> </span>I started smiling and shook my head
yes with excitement.<span> </span>There was nothing
more I wanted to do than stay with her.<span>
</span>My dad was gone a lot with construction work, so the people who I felt
most comfortable with were Grandma Jettie and Mom.<span> </span>When mom was not home and I was not able to
go to grandma’s I just felt lost and sad.<span>
</span>She handed me the special mask that would stay in place better while I
slept, and that night my mom wore a mask too.<span>
</span>I fell asleep beside her and later she woke me up and I moved to the cot
beside her bed.<span> </span>Although no one may
understand how I could still love and want to be close to a woman who was not
what you would call a wonderful mother…she was my mother and I did love
her.<span> </span>I loved her very much. She was my moma.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Forgiveness.<span>
</span>One simple word yet so extremely complex.<span> </span>I think it is human nature to seek
balance.<span> </span>Our bodies are built to
maintain something called homeostasis. It can be explained very scientifically,
but basically it is what drives you to reach for a blanket when you are
cold.<span> </span>Eat an apple when you are hungry.
Become "puffy" when you eat too much salt.<span> </span>We are innately made to seek balance in our
physical bodies, and so we are emotionally as well. It's just easier to mask
and even ignore that need emotionally.<span>
</span>In my life anger has always been born of hurt.<span> </span>All the times I look back on my life when I
was really mad at someone it is because my heart had been broken, and it was
more comfortable for me to "defend" myself through anger than to be
vulnerable to the pain they had caused me.<span>
</span>The fury over my horrible childhood burned, and like all others this
emotion needed balancing.<span> </span>The only way
to balance my anger was to punish everyone who had a part in my abuse, especially
my mom.<span> </span>After all she should have
stopped it. She should have protected me.<span>
</span>She should have done more.<span> </span>I
wanted these wrongs to be righted! It was the only way.<span> </span>It made me feel better to know that I hated
each of them.<span> </span>I was standing up for the
little helpless girl that couldn’t stand up for herself all those years.<span> </span>If they suffered it balanced my suffering,
right? The score would surely be even.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">For years I have worked through the five stages of
grief, for the loss of my childhood and innocence, as my soul strained to find
emotional balance.<span> </span>There were many years
during the denial phase when I thought, <i>Oh
it wasn’t all that bad.<span> </span>It could have
been worse</i>.<span> </span>I would watch Oprah and
here of an unthinkable abuse case and say, <i>Well
see you didn’t have it that bad</i>!<span> </span>The
anger phase definitely peeked after I gave birth to my daughter.<span> </span>I compared my motherly love and desire to
protect this beautiful little girl to my mothers, and I couldn't comprehend how
she could live with herself.<span> </span>I couldn't
understand why someone, anyone, didn't see what was going on and step in to
stop it...to save me from this nightmare.<span>
</span>The bargaining phase seemed to span from the time I was old enough to
comprehend what all had happened to this very day.<span> </span>I constantly ask, "what if..." I
couldn't possibly name all the “what if's” I have asked over the years if I
tried.<span> </span>Everything from "what if I
had never been born" to "what if I had done something to stop all of
it<span> </span>(like calling 911)".<span> </span>Depression was another one of the phases that
occurred simultaneously throughout the years, but capsized into an emotional
storm raging during my post-partum period.<span>
</span>There was no more denying how bad it all really was.<span> </span>There was no more "understanding"
of the situation. As Hannah grew I felt more saddened for the little girl who didn’t
know what it was to be loved and be safe in her own home.<span> </span>There was no undoing what had been done in
the past.<span> </span>I felt desperate to fix
something that could not be mended.<span> </span>I
was broken and there was no way to fix me. This just made me sad to my
core.<span> </span>It made me feel helpless to the
circumstances there was no way to change. Then there is the final step which is
acceptance.<span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">For me acceptance is much like forgiveness.<span> </span>They go hand in hand.<span> </span>In order to forgive I had to fully accept
that the past is simply what it is…a frozen place in time written in permanent
ink.<span> </span>There is no way to go back and
change anything there.<span> </span>There is no tool
to erase or repair it.<span> </span>But, it’s okay
that it is not fixable because it is behind me, and I don’t exist there
anymore.<span> </span>What matters is the present, where
I live today, and the future where the pages are blank waiting to be filled
with love and joy as my marriage matures and my love for God and my family
grows stronger each year. I know in order to give Hannah and James the mother
and wife they deserve today I must choose to accept the difficult and sad
chapters in my life. I must choose to pardon the mistakes and wrongdoings of
those that, in anyway, contributed to the pain. This allows me freedom from
staying behind in that sad scary place in order to keep punishing the people I had
grown to hate so severely.<span> </span>The funny
thing is those people are not even in that place with me as I continue to punish
them, so really I am the only one still here.<span>
</span>I am the only one still suffering if I choose to stay behind and not give
forgiveness.<span> </span>It is that simple really.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">So, Mother’s Day to me will no longer be a holiday
mixed with joy and anger toward my mother.<span>
</span>I refuse to allow it anymore.<span>
</span>From today forward I will celebrate this day as a mother to my beautiful
miracle…my daughter.<span> </span>I will also
celebrate it as the daughter of a woman who is no longer here. A woman who I
still have so many questions for, but miss very much. <span> </span>A woman who I fully believe knew all of her
faults and failures before she left this Earth.<span>
</span>A woman, who despite being really awful at motherhood, was able to give
me some pretty precious gifs along the way through witnessing vices as well as
her virtues.<span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">My mother loved to help other people.<span> </span>I remember year after year going around town
and giving less fortunate kids Christmas gifts she had collected while volunteering
at Neighbor to Neighbor.<span> </span>My mother loved
family and friends.<span> </span>She had a gift that
allowed her to talk to and have close relationships with people of all walks of
life.<span> </span>She hated to see any injustice
over differences in race or beliefs.<span> </span>She
taught me that all people were God’s children and we should learn to find the
good in others and love them despite their flaws.<span> </span>My mother didn’t take any crap off of
anyone.<span> </span>She was nick named the “Mouth of
the South” partly because she would talk to a wall if it would talk back and
partly because of her blatant, sometimes offensive, honesty.<span> </span>My mom was all about 2<sup>nd</sup>, 3<sup>rd</sup>,
and even 4<sup>th</sup> chances.<span> </span>I think
she related to people who just couldn’t get it together and that allowed her to
offer forgiveness more easily.<span> </span>The list of
vices and virtues goes on and on, as it would for most of us should someone evaluate
our lives today, but I know one thing for sure…Being a witness to my mother’s
short life gave me a dynamic view of an imperfect complex woman. I learned what
I could be and what I definitely did not want to be in my life.<span> </span>I learned how to fail, but I also learned how
to succeed.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">So, it is time to close this chapter of grief and
sadness.<span> </span>It is time to put away my anger
and embrace forgiveness and love…</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Ecclesiastes 3:1-22</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">To
every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A
time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up
that which is planted;</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A
time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A
time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><sup><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"> </span></sup><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A time to cast
away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a
time to refrain from embracing;</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A
time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A
time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A
time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Happy Mother’s Day Moma…</span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-70234360974556305862013-04-26T13:17:00.001-07:002013-04-26T13:19:28.571-07:00Hannah<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sat on the edge of our king sized bed nervously clutched
the body pillow that had aided in what little sleep I was still able to get in
between frequent trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the not
so gentle kicks from you as you began to outgrow the limited space in my womb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was time to go to the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were finally going to make your
appearance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I placed the pillow, that
daddy claimed got me affection than him, beside me and reached down for the hem
of my shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pulled it up and stared
at my swollen belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I absolutely loved
my pregnant belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved to watch you
move around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You kept the hiccups the
entire time I was pregnant with you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would
feel the tiny repetitive bounces beneath my hand and giggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your daddy loved it too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We would both lie in bed at night focused
only on my belly waiting for your next move. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One night in particular your dad was trying to
hear you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not sure if he thought
you would actually make a sound, but he had his ear pressed firmly to my belly
right beside my belly button.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt a
sudden jerk and sharp pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I opened my
eyes to see dad’s shocked face looking up at me in disbelief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He blinked and the confusion in his eyes quickly
faded as he exclaimed, “She kicked me in the head”!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
started to laugh and told him he was invading your very limited space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He laid his head beside me, and gently placed
his big strong hands on the spot where he felt your kick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He began talking to you in a soft loving
voice; apologizing for squishing you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I have been in love with your daddy since the day I
first met him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how I knew
it then or that I could really explain it now, but he was my “home” from the first
time I laid eyes on him in church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
have to tell you, something wonderful happened when we made you, I fell in love
with him even more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We weren’t so
certain we would be able to have a baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We had been trying to get pregnant for a year and nothing happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally I decided I needed to go to the
doctor and tell her what was going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She put my mind at ease and told me that this doesn’t always happen
easily for everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She decided to give
me some medicine to help things along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
went home very excited and took the first round.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were so disappointed when we realized it didn’t
work. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we didn’t get
discouraged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We just got more medicine
and prayed that God would bless us with a perfect little baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each new month came and passed and no baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One night I walked up to dad and sat in his
lap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so sad that this might not
work and I felt bad because I knew dad was so disappointed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I cried and told him how I felt he just
hugged me tight and told me that if God didn’t want us to have a baby then that
was okay too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me that he loved
me so much, and even though he wanted a baby really bad, I was enough for him
forever. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I decided to stop taking the medicine it caused me to have a
lot of pain and it was just more and more sad to me each month that it did not
work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dad decided we needed to get away,
so we rented a cabin on Lake Hamilton.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
made us some yummy strawberry drinks and we sat out on the pier, over the lake,
talking until all hours of the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was one of the best weekends I can remember. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We came back home and life went on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was still very disappointed and silently
hopeful for a miracle, but life went forward and we were happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About a month later I woke up and felt very
tired and just “off”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had one last
pregnancy test left under our bathroom sink so I thought to myself…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You know you aren’t pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then a little voice said…But what if you
are?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>I took the test and started to
get ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A little while later I looked
down at the test on the counter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
was that?! It was a very faint pink line beside the control line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stopped breathing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt my eyes start to sting with tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I picked up the test and walked into our
bedroom. It couldn’t be!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I handed daddy
the test and he look at it confused and back up at me with concern.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said, “Why are you…” then he looked back
down at the test window and saw the line too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He eyes got so big.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was in
disbelief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We both started laughing and
crying all at once.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then we both quickly
decided we shouldn’t get too excited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
wanted me to take another one, so I had to tell him that we had no more test plus
I was all out of pee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He stood up and
started to dress quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was running
out the door as he was pulling on his clothes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He promptly returned with 3 boxes of test and a very large coke from
McDonalds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started drinking and was
able to take more tests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pink line…Pink
line…Pink LINE!!! Oh my goodness it is true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We are going to have a baby! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The doctor later told me that she thought stopping worrying about
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it was probably the best thing I could
have done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imagine that…Momma worrying
about something!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess that was the
first of a lot of worrying I did over you my precious daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that is okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really love worrying about you and loving
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is what makes me whole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What makes me happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After waiting and planning for nine months we were finally
ready to meet you. The doctor decided to induce my labor and so daddy and I
drove to the hospital talking everything from breastfeeding you to what you would
want to be when you grew up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
admitted to the hospital and after 19 hours of labor it was apparent that you weren’t
coming out on your own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seemed like
it was so hard to get you in there, and now it was going to be harder to get
you out. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They took me to the operating room
where I would have you and while I was back there they decided to put me to
sleep since the medicine they give you to numb you lower body wasn’t working on
me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As fast as I went to sleep I woke back up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was kind of confused and immediately knew
you were not in my body anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
sensation really scared me, but before I could get too nervous daddy leaned
over me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked if you were ok and he
told me you were just fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw you
bundled up and dwarfed by your dad’s enormous hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He gently handed you to me and I looked into
your beautiful eyes for the very first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My entire world tilted on its axis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was so very deeply in love with you, and then I looked up at your dad
with tears in his eyes and it happened…I fell even more in love with dad yet
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of my dreams came true the
day you were born. I was the mother of the most perfect blue eyed blond haired
little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly you let out a
loud, very demanding, but precious “coo”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everyone started laughing and your Maw couldn’t believe how much you
were talking for a newborn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking back
now we know that was “just Hannah”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
think you have stopped talking much since that first sound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The beautiful noise that is my daughter…that
is my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now each passing year as your mom brings new experiences and
new challenges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pray each day that I
am doing it all “right”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pray that I
make the best decisions and give you the correct advice and guidance. Sometimes
I have to just stop myself and remind myself that you are a wonderful person
and that you have a beautiful spirit and strong relationship with God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You amaze me with the things you say and how
you live your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so proud of you
when you refuse to compromise what you know is right, even when it may not be
the popular or cool thing at that moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I love how you dance to the beat of your own drum with so much
confidence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are everything I find beautiful
in this world and it make me incredibly proud to know that somewhere in the
middle of all that beauty and splendor lies a little piece of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That through you I am that beautiful too. I
love you with all my heart! Thank you for being just who you are every day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghj__31b2or4XLwowCugxUml_WAYLWiTDPNGa4iDEDSQ355SzdmAV6jijUu3kIWbHDGHZXj2byi-m9VJhRqcrNg_qrlWfmvZwbjKLmct4HD1-VK877LV5M5qK8elKWAxv2wZf9FKS-1lY/s1600/64194_10200910100542646_1463830423_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghj__31b2or4XLwowCugxUml_WAYLWiTDPNGa4iDEDSQ355SzdmAV6jijUu3kIWbHDGHZXj2byi-m9VJhRqcrNg_qrlWfmvZwbjKLmct4HD1-VK877LV5M5qK8elKWAxv2wZf9FKS-1lY/s320/64194_10200910100542646_1463830423_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-31523158400395585392013-03-04T19:46:00.004-08:002013-03-04T19:46:47.442-08:00Happiness (Poem)<span class="userContent">Happiness is...<br /> My daughters beautiful face.<br /> <br /> My husbands warm embrace. <br /> <br /> Piano music dancing through our home from her beautiful little fingers.<br /> <br /> Hymns he plays for church as the Holy Spirit lingers.<br /> <br /> The sound of her voice when she sings in the shower.<br /><span class="text_exposed_show"> <br /> His whisper "I love you" with a fresh picked flower.<br /> <br /> Her sweet little hand in mine and the comfort it gives.<br /> <br /> His soft lips on mine as a reminder, after all these years, our passion still lives.<br /> <br /> Happiness is simple despite our attempts to complicate...<br /> <br /> Just stop and remember its the smallest things we should appreciate.</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-52266508621055786752013-03-04T19:39:00.001-08:002013-03-04T19:39:36.265-08:00The Meaning of Life<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Daytime is almost over, but it is not nighttime just
yet.<span> </span>The sky is illuminated by the
setting sun, and the ground is covered in splotchy shadows.<span> </span>A warm breeze blows over my face, but I can
feel a hint of coolness creeping in from the night that is patiently and slowly
consuming the day.<span> </span>I take a deep breath
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grill. I love this time of the day.<span> </span>It
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exercise.<span> </span>I do it, but I don’t like it! As
I begin my walk through our neighborhood I look closely at the homes I
pass.<span> </span>There is something I find comforting
about the glow of a lamp light or the blinking of a TV screen from the front
windows I pass.<span> </span><span> </span>My mind immediately wonders to the family that
lives inside the home.<span> </span>Who are they?
What is their routine? Are they happy or sad?<span>
</span>It is this time of the day that most people gather inside their houses
and make them into homes.<span> </span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I finish my walk and round the curve, and I see my
home.<span> </span>I think about how happy this
little house makes me.<span> </span>Not because of
the structure itself.<span> </span>It is nothing elaborate;
in fact it is quite common.<span> </span>But, you see
my happiness and contentment are found in what waits me on the inside. This home
represents who I am in this world, my purpose.<span>
</span>I imagine there are some reading this that just shudder in pity at this
thought. After all, who could find their life’s purpose in such ordinary circumstances?<span> </span>It all seems so cliché: the house, the minivan,
the dogs, the husband, the child.<span> </span>They
might say, “She may live her whole life as this…nothing.<span> </span>This tiny spec on the earth that came and
went without any recognition or reverberation.<span>
</span>Sure she loved her husband, she worked hard, raised a child; most
do.<span> </span>Surely there was more she could have
accomplished.<span> </span>There had to be more that
she wanted to do with the life she was given…”</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">It is hard for me to articulate how I feel about
life.<span> </span>Thirty-one years have come and gone
so quickly.<span> </span>Many of those years with enough
sadness to fill the rest of my days, but many of them with more happiness than
I deserve.<span> </span>So I sit here at 32, a wife (yawn)
and a mom (double yawn) living in a small town (a coma), and I know without a
doubt that this life I live, as common as it may seem to some, is actually breathtakingly
awesome!<span> </span>My story is unique and
beautifully written by the hand of God. He has placed the scenes in perfect
order, from the struggles of my childhood to the moment James got down on one knee
and asked me to be his wife.<span> </span>The miracle
of bringing our daughter into this world, and the fear I might lose James as he
battled illness.<span> </span>The triumphs and the setbacks…<span> </span>The love and the anger...<span> </span>The strength and wisdom gained through trails
that were necessary for our growth. The blank pages that are yet to be written...<span> </span>As I look forward to what is to come I don’t feel
the need to find holes in the plot in order to insert my own doubt and
drama.<span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I look at those around me who struggle with identity
and purpose and I see desperation as the search for uniqueness and originality
in their lives seems <i>forced</i>.<span> </span>It reminds me of a toddler pounding a square
peg into a round hole becoming infuriated when it just doesn’t fit.<span> </span>My experiences have taught me that anything
forced is just …not.<span> </span>It has become very
apparent to me the thing that ultimately sets us apart from the people around
us is Serenity, in whatever form it is found within your life.<span> </span>How many people do you know right now that
seem truly tranquil with their current circumstances? Not an absence of any
negativity, but calmness in their response to the chaos?<span> </span>Now how many do you know that just seem
lost?<span> </span>They appear to not know who they
are and that they may never even find themselves.<span> </span>They are physically present every day in
their lives, but emotionally and spiritually they are running around in circles
screaming.<span> </span>Serenity is found when one
looks to God for peace and direction.<span> </span>It
truly is that plain and simple, but most wonderful things in life are just
that, plain and simple.<span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I pray that one day I can articulate to the world
what it feels like when you finally let go and let God.<span> </span>It is more than a picture quote in a Facebook
news feed.<span> </span>It is more than a tear filled
testimony in church on Sunday morning.<span>
</span>It is your whole heart and your whole life.<span> </span>Suddenly you don’t know where you end and God
begins.<span> </span>Things that used to seem so
important and so scary…don’t anymore.<span>
</span>The human part of you still exists and you retain the good sense God
intended you to have in order to live a functional life. Worry and fear do
serve a purpose.<span> </span>But in the big scheme
of things you suddenly know exactly who you are…no excuses and no need to
justify it to anyone.<span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">The meaning of my life is simple, and I prefer it
that way. There is a quote that I love, “Raise your words, not your voice.<span> </span>It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”-
Rumi.<span> </span>The same can be said for the lives
we live.<span> </span>There comes a point when you
realize all the noise that you make is simply an attempt to distract yourself from
what is missing.<span> </span>Quiet down and listen
to God.<span> </span>The plain and simple will reveal
itself.<span> </span>And you may find that the mark
you leave on this earth, even as something simple, such as a wife and mom in a
small town in the middle of nowhere, will be more magnificent than what you
ever imagined possible… if God is in control of it. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the
renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God,
what is good and acceptable and perfect. ~ Romans 12:2</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-8150307115876137762013-02-22T19:11:00.000-08:002013-02-22T20:12:55.211-08:00Too Lazy To Push a Turd <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">I feel her fingers
scratch the side of my head as she ro<span style="font-size: large;">l</span>ls my hair in pink sponge rollers for
church the <span style="font-size: large;">next <span style="font-size: large;">day</span></span>. My grandmother’s hands are
wrinkled, rough, and scarred. As she is rolling my hair I ask her to tell me a
story about when she was a little girl. I love to hear of her adventures and
looking back now I realize how much I learned about life through these tales.
She breathes in deep and I hear the air move through he<span style="font-size: large;">r</span> lungs, left scarred by
TB. She was diagnosed in her twenties
and had to be quarantined, the only appropriate treatment for the illness at
this time. She once told me of the devastation
and sadness she felt when they took her from her babies and took her to the infirmary
with all the other TB patients. She told
me of the many friends she made with the other women in quarantine and of the deep
sense of loss and fear when one succumbed to the complications of the
disease. Through the sadness of her
account I always looked forward to the part of the story when she was taken in
the exam room and the doctor told her she would survive, but only because her
heart was on the wrong side of her body.
He told her that she had been born that way, and although rare, it did
occur. He went on to explain that if she
had been born as everyone else the damage caused by the TB would have taken her
life. Every time she got through telling
me the story she would pause and then tell me, “But what he didn’t know is that
I wasn’t just born that way. I prayed to
God to let me live and raise my babies…and he moved my heart that night. Thank you Jesus!” </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;"> </span>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">She continues to roll
my hair and starts <span style="font-size: large;">t<span style="font-size: large;">he<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></span>story I requested. “When I
was a little girl like you my hair was white as snow. We w<span style="font-size: large;">ere</span> really poor like the colored
folks. My best friend was a little
colored girl. We walked with each other
every day to the plantation where we would pick cotton.” She began. “Do you
know what they used to call me?” She as<span style="font-size: large;">k </span>with slight laughter in her voice as
she put her face beside mine so I could look at her. “Cotton Patch!” She exclaimed as she let out a
half laugh<span style="font-size: large;">/</span>half cough<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>with <span style="font-size: large;">a smile</span> that went all the way to her beautiful
eyes. “Life was hard and we all had to
do our part to help <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>oma and <span style="font-size: large;">D</span>addy put food on the table. I didn’t get to be a little girl like you
do. One day when we was pickin’ cotton
the man who owned that whole plantation,” she started with a hint of awe in her
voice, “walked up to <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>oma and ask if I could eat lunch with them. His wife couldn’t have no babies and she
wanted them real bad. Moma said yes of
course, and off I went. Their house was
the fanciest thing I could ever imagine.
I sat at a big ole table that I cant imagine why just two people would
need. I guess they had hoped to fill it
with babies…” she trailed off momentarily.
She pause<span style="font-size: large;">d</span> rolling my hair as well and I feel her come back into this moment as
she begins to roll again and starts back with her story, “Anyway. We had fried chicken, taters, green beans,
and so many other things. At first I was
really nervous and I guess they could tell ‘cause she asked me if I wanted a
coke! I wanted one! Real bad<span style="font-size: large;">.</span> I had heard they w<span style="font-size: large;">ere</span>
so good, but we could never afford any.
She went to the kitchen and came back with it. She sat it in front of me<span style="font-size: large;">.</span> It was in a pretty glass bottle <span style="font-size: large;">that was frosted</span> cold
out of their ice box. I remember how it
fizzed and burned my throat when I took that first drink.” She pauses again as
she briefly gets lost in the moment she is re<span style="font-size: large;">calling</span>.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">
</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">“We went back to the
fields and I could tell <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>oma was nervous when we walked back home that evening. I heard her and <span style="font-size: large;">D</span>addy talkin that night about
me. I couldn’t hear what they w<span style="font-size: large;">ere</span> sayin,
but I could here them say ‘Jettie’ now and then. Moma cried some.” She said with sadness in her voice. She cleared her throat and carried on. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">“The next mornin’ when
me and my friend was walking to the field he came to me again and said, ‘Jettie
you want to eat breakfast with us today?’
I nodded my head and looked back to see if <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>oma and <span style="font-size: large;">D</span>addy would let
me. Daddy shook his head yes and off I
went to the big house again. When we go
there she had a huge breakfast fixed.
Everything you could imagine. It smelled like heaven in there. She had so many beautiful things too. I wanted to touch them all, but I knew
better. I sat down at the table and she
asked me what I wanted to eat. I looked
up and saw a box of corn flakes on the kitchen counter. I had always wanted to try corn flakes, so I
pointed to them. She looked back at the
counter and laughed, ‘You want cereal? That is all?’ I shook my head and she filled up a huge bowl
with ice cold milk poured all over the top of it!” I could here the child in
her voice as she recalled this magical experience. “I ate that cereal so fast! I guess I thought
it would just go away if I didn’t gulp it down so fast!” she said<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"> excitedly. </span> <span style="font-size: large;">I felt a</span></span> little
jump <span style="font-size: large;">from </span>between her knees as she threw her hands up. “I went back out to the fields almost too full
to pick cotton!” she laughed. Then the
serious returned to her voice. As she
finished telling me the story in which I was completely fascinated by.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">“Again that night I
could tell <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>oma was sad and when I looked up she would be starin at me and
smilin’ When we went to bed I listened
real hard and I heard what her and <span style="font-size: large;">D</span>addy was talkin about. Turns out that man and his wife wanted <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>oma
and <span style="font-size: large;">D</span>addy to give me to them. Daddy was
tellin moma that they could give me a life that neither of them could even
dream of. Moma was cryin hard and told
daddy that they couldn’t give her the love that they had for me. She told him that we w<span style="font-size: large;">ere</span> a family and we
worked hard. We didn’t have nothin fancy,
but we had God and just what we needed.
Just what God thought we needed.” She said matter-of-factly. “I got scared cause I didn’t want to leave <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>oma and <span style="font-size: large;">D</span>addy and my family. I liked
drinkin that coke and eatin them fancy corn flakes, but not more than my
family.” She said with a hint of sadness in her voice for the people I was sure
she missed on this very night.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">“Your grandma aint
afraid of work and you never be either.
Your great-grandparents worked hard their whole life to give me
better. I did that for your moma and
they work hard to give to you so you can do better. God tells us in the bible that you aint
supposed to be lazy. Some people so lazy they caint even push a turd!” She says
as she laughs at her own funny saying. “Work
is a blessin and it can be taken from ya like that!” She snapped her scarred worn hand. You can lose your job or you can get sick
like your moma. Then you will know the
blessin that so many people complain about.<span style="font-size: large;">" she <span style="font-size: large;">asserts. "</span></span>Them people stopped havin me over to eat. I guess cause <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>oma and <span style="font-size: large;">D</span>addy said they couldn’t
have me. But that was ok with me…” she
finished in a satisfied tone. I feel her
snap in the last roller and I am now ready to go to toss and turn all night as
those things pull my ha<span style="font-size: large;">ir</span> and poke me in the head! B<span style="font-size: large;">ut it will still be some of the most restful sleep I will ever get.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">It is graduation night
and I am so nervous. I have completed
nursing school despite the odds against me.
I show up to my first day in the ICU and I hit the ground running
absorbing all around me. I have no time
to eat or even take a bathroom break. I
return from maternity leave to my job as a Case Manager. It is so different from the nursing I
know. But I work day in and day out to
learn every aspect of it. I take online
CEUs and find better ways to do things.
I find myself behind a computer screen as I take on the new challenge of
Informatics. I know nothing about the
software, but I click here and I click there.
I ask questions. I ask for m<span style="font-size: large;">ore</span>
assignments until I make sure that I know the computer system inside out and
upside down. I want to be better. I need to be better and do a<span style="font-size: large;">n excellent</span> job. Through the exhaustion that work can
sometimes bring I close my eyes and I see them.
I see my grandmas wrinkled, worn, scarred hand clasped in prayer. I know who I am. I am her granddaughter. I am not now nor have I ever been scared of
work. I am thankful for the privilege to
have a job and the health to complete the tasks entrusted to me. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">My grandma would be
beyond proud and beside herself to know that <span style="font-size: large;">her granddaugher</span>, Jodie Tucker Howell, is a
Registered Nurse with a Bachelor’s Degree in my field. She always used to tell
me how smart I was. “You was smart when
you came out of your moma.” She would say to me. “I told Martha you are going to be something
better than any of us ever <span style="font-size: large;">imag<span style="font-size: large;">ined<span style="font-size: large;">!</span></span></span>” Man that always
made me feel so special, and it gave me part of the drive that I hold today to be who
I am in all aspects of my life, but <span style="font-size: large;">especially <span style="font-size: large;">the professio<span style="font-size: large;">nal pa<span style="font-size: large;">rt of it</span></span></span></span></span></span>. </div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">My friend Amanda
Bradley shared this today and I loved it! It is part of what inspired this blog posting…</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">"Hold yourself
responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse
yourself." -Henry Ward Beecher</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">And the good Lord put
it this way (and many more ways in numerous scriptures)…</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">“For even when we were
with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let
him not eat.” -2 Thessalonians 3:10 ESV </span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-59222921734270143862013-02-14T14:50:00.002-08:002013-02-14T14:50:12.236-08:00A Realistic Love Affair<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">The dramatic music finds its climax as the two main
characters embrace in a passionate kiss.<span>
</span>The heroin pulls away and very eloquently expresses his undying love for
the beautiful woman he holds in his arms.<span>
</span>As the rain pours down around their faces you can’t tell which are
raindrops and which are tears!<span> </span>I feel a
lump in my throat and my eyes start to sting.<span>
</span>I peel my teary eyes away from the TV and look at my soul mate.<span> </span>He is sitting in his recliner studying his
iPhone while playing words with friends with a dip in his mouth. I guess he
feels me looking at him because he looks up and immediately registers that I am
crying.<span> </span>He look at the TV, rolls his
eyes, lets out a sigh and says, “We should watch something realistic…like a
superhero movie” and laughs at his hilarious joke. I shake my head, motion at
the TV, and remind him how much he really does suck at romance.<span> </span>It annoys me that he cannot remember to say
sweet things, write sweet notes, hand pick some flowers, pine away after me all
day while he pours his heart into deep poetry written in calligraphy. I mean am
I asking too much?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I’m getting ready for bed.<span> </span>I hear James click the front door locked and
turn out all the lights.<span> </span>I climb into
bed and feel the warmth from my heated mattress pad.<span> </span><i>Hmmm… I
don’t remember turning that on. </i>The thought is fleeting.<span> </span>I notice the glow from the heater in the
bathroom and I really don’t even give thought to it already being on either.<span> </span>James turns the lights out in the bathroom.
“Sorry honey,” I say over the book I am reading, “forgot to turn those lights
off”.<span> </span>He replies, “No problem” and
smiles sweetly when I jokingly point out that I never remember to turn them
off.<span> </span>I wake up in the morning to his
voice, “Honey are you up?<span> </span>It’s time to
get up.”<span> </span>He now wakes me up in the
mornings since I am not a morning person and was constantly running late.<span> </span>I feel a kiss on my forehead.<span> </span>As I am getting ready to get in the shower I
hear him taking the dogs outside and I am so thankful.<span> </span>I tremble at the thought of the cold morning
air.<span> </span>As I shower I become aware of all
the things James does for me out of love.<span>
</span>So many little things…that I just take them for granted.<span> </span>But they are wonderful things that I rely on
and should appreciate more.<span> </span>All of these
little things he does for me are wonderful, but there is that really big thing I
tend to forget…that thing that they really don’t write romance novels about.<span> </span>The “constant” <span> </span>amongst the chaos of what it mean to be Jodie.
As you are all aware I struggle with anxiety, and I can tell you that God gave
my husband a unique ability to calm me…like no other can.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I knock on the door of my grandmother’s back bedroom
door, it opens slowly, and I know whatever is behind it is not good.<span> </span>As the door partially opens I see him.<span> </span>My heart drops and my body tenses in
overwhelming fear.<span> </span>It is my abuser.<span> </span>I can see his bare chest, as he stands before
me in only his jeans. His greasy hair slicked back on his head.<span> </span>I feel sick and I want to run but I can’t. I’m
frozen.<span> </span>Just as I am contemplating my escape
the door swings completely open.<span> </span>There
is someone behind him. <span> </span>I see her.<span> </span>It is Hannah! I can’t breathe.<span> </span>Dread rushed over my entire body and I feel
like I may vomit. <span> </span>I open my mouth to
scream but only a whisper comes out.<span> </span>I
am trembling with fear and anger.<span> </span>She is
crying.<span> </span><i>Oh God. No! No! <span> </span>No! Please God
no!<span> </span>Please, not my baby.!<span> </span></i>I beg God not even knowing what I am
begging for.<span> </span>To take this away? To undo
this circumstance? To be able to make my feet move, like my brain is telling
them, in order to grab my baby and run.<span>
</span>My mind is racing and I feel tears as I try to scream again. I still haven’t
take a breath.<span> </span>I’m suffocating.<span> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span> </span>I sit
straight up in the pitch black dark awakened by my own screams.<span> </span>My heart is beating out of my chest, I’m
sweating, <span> </span>and I feel hot tears running
down my face.<span> </span>I’m so confused and scared.
I have to get Hannah! <span> </span><i>Where am I?<span>
</span>Oh God, where is Hannah?<span> </span></i>I
hear a voice, “Baby.<span> </span>Baby.<span> </span>Are you ok?”<span>
</span><i>It’s James.<span> </span>It’s ok. You are home.<span> </span>You are safe.<span>
</span>Hannah! <span> </span>Is she ok?<span> </span></i>“Oh God James.<span> </span><span> </span>Nightmare,” I say and he knows exactly what I
mean.<span> </span>I put my face in the crook of his
neck and sob for a minute.<span> </span>“He had
her.<span> </span>Oh God he had her.<span> </span>He had Hannah. It was the worst nightmare I
have ever had.” my cries muffled by his shoulder.<span> </span>He replies in a soothing voice, “It was a
dream baby.<span> </span>A bad dream. Hannah is fine.
She is sleeping in her room.<span> </span>You want me
to get her?”<span> </span>He pauses.<span> </span>I nod my head yes.<span> </span>I hear his footsteps return as he places her
little warm body beside me.<span> </span>She mumbles and
I whisper, “Hey baby girl, wanna sleep with moma?” as the tears start to fall
down my cheeks relieved as I see the silhouette of her round cheeks in the darkness
of our bedroom.<span> </span>“Yea.” She mumbles back
in her sleep/wake state.<span> </span>James lays back
down beside us.<span> </span>I feel her breath on my check
and I reach across her and place my hand on his chest.<span> </span>His heartbeat continues to bring me back to
this safe reality.<span> </span>He puts his hand over
mine and says, “You feel better?”<span> </span>I
whisper a yes<span style="font-size: large;"> in re<span style="font-size: large;">sponse</span></span> and thank him for getting her.<span>
</span>He reminds me that I am safe and how much he loves me.<span> </span>I drift back off to sleep as my heart continues
to slows down even more.<span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I am reminded again of the great gift God gave me in
this marriage…in this love…from a man who wants nothing more than my happiness
and <span style="font-size: large;">well<span style="font-size: large;">-</span>being</span>.<span> </span>The next time I watch a
sappy love story with the perfect circumstances and rehearsed lines I remember
what love really is.<span> </span>Love is not a
perfect moment that conjures a temporary emotion.<span> </span>Love is an ongoing set of very imperfect
circumstances where two people choose to see past all the ugliness of this world and imperfections within each other <span style="font-size: large;">in order to <span style="font-size: large;">offer a</span></span> safe place to live life without fear or insecurity.<span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">As we celebrate this day of love I am reminded that
not all love stories are wrapped up in a beautiful heart shaped box, but
sometimes those are the couples that are in the deepest kind of love.<span> </span>The unconditional<span style="font-size: large;">, </span>unbreakable, forever kind of
love.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Happy Valentine’s Day…</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Psalm 85 (English Standard Version)</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span> </span><sup>10 </sup>Steadfast
love and faithfulness meet;<br />
righteousness and peace kiss each other.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-41698305415567824912013-02-08T20:34:00.000-08:002013-02-08T20:44:33.875-08:00One Soul, Two People Forever Love (Part 2)<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">The days following our
first date flew by. Night after night
James showed up at my house and we would sit for hours talking about anything
and everything. I felt like I couldn’t
ever know enough about him and he was so curious about me. No one had ever cared so much about me. He
wanted to know what I liked and what I didn’t like and why. He wanted to know my fears and my
dreams. I wanted to tell him everything. I didn’t want to hold anything back. I wanted him to know my best and my
worst. There was something about him and
the way he looked at me that made me know he would never judge me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">My legs dangle below me
as we sit on the back of his black Nissan truck. I could only see his silhouette in the dark
night, but I could feel his warmth as he sat beside me. Our conversation had spanned everything from
our favorite food to our hopes and dreams for our futures, ones that we both
knew had forever changed since our paths had crossed. We both knew at this moment that no matter
what happened from this point forward we would always be a part of each other’s
lives. As I listened to him speak I
looked up to the beautiful sky.
Following my lead he looked up too.
A single star fell from the crowd that surrounded it. It was like it knew it didn’t belong in the
sky with the rest of them. Almost
instantly, as if in response to the first stars decision to leap, a second
star fell right behind it. “I’ve heard
that if you see a shooting start with someone you will be in each other’s lives
forever”, I say while I stare into the sky.
I look at him and see an outline of a smile on his face. “I sure hope so…” he almost whispers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">It had been another
wonderful night out with friends. We
returned home from dinner and watched movies, but I had to return home so I
could get up from school in the morning.
“Well guys I guess I better get out of here.” I look over and James is already standing to
walk me out. He had seemed nervous all
night but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I had momentarily feared a couple of times
that he was growing tired of me and that tonight would be the night he broke up
with me. I was too scared to admit how
much I already cared for him and could only pray to God to keep him in my life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">He followed me outside
and we stood there for what seemed like a long time with this unfamiliar tension surrounding us. I was preparing myself for his reasons that
he no longer wanted to see me. I was
prepared to stand here and take whatever he had to tell me determined to wait
until I was in my car to fall apart.
After all, I knew this was all too good to be true. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. <i>Forever!
What are you talking about? You don’t
want forever. You are 17. You have plans. You are getting away from here. You are going away to college to become a
successful, very rich business woman.
You are leaving and not looking back.
So what if he breaks this off.? I mean whatever this is. </i> “So I will call you tomorrow night after you
get home from work”, his question snaps me out of my thoughts. I realize he wants to see me again. “Sure.”
I responded before he could fully finish his sentence. “Are you sure you don’t need to study. I don’t want to distract you from your
schoolwork.” He continues; as if trying to convince himself it is really
ok. “You know I’m a senior and I pretty
much know everything they are teaching at this point”, I smirk. “Yea you are pretty smart, huh? I always had to work hard at school. Should have worked harder...I guess.” He
fidgets while looking off behind me. I
nod not sure what to say. I want to make
him feel better, but I don’t know what to ask to find out what is bothering
him. Suddenly he exhales really hard,
laughs to himself, kicks the gravel with his foot, and stammers out, “Can I…uhm…kiss
you? Would that be…okay?” My heart skips a beat, my stomach flips, and
my palms are instantly sweaty. “Yes. I would like that”, I say with a nervous
smile. He leans in very gently and I
feel his soft lips on mine. I can feel a
slight tremble in them and I am oddly comforted that he is as nervous as I
am. The kiss was perfect, and I wanted
to stay right here…this close to him forever.
I wanted to feel this safe and this loved for the rest of my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-27459085512638221102013-02-07T17:31:00.001-08:002013-02-07T18:06:30.193-08:00One Soul, Two People, Forever Love (Part 1)<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">I pulled up the
familiar drive in my blue Geo metero<span style="font-size: large;">, the car my grandm<span style="font-size: large;">a<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">left me when she passed away a couple of years
earlier.</span></span>
Th<span style="font-size: large;">is</span> drive was one I had taken many times before as I visited <span style="font-size: large;">her</span>. Since her death making this
drive makes me very sad. I kept her handkerchief in the glove
box so that she was always with me. I
miss her so much that it physically hurt
some days. But tonight, on this familiar
drive, I was too nervous to be sad. Tonight
I was going to meet a guy. My aunt and
uncle had bought my grandmother’s house and I was meeting him at the house next
door where some friends of ours lived.<i> I cannot
believe you agreed to do this! This guy is old and this is just desperate. Well desperate is just what you are
Jodie. Need I remind you that you are 17
and have never. Had. A. Boyfriend! So, meet the old guy and maybe you will like
him. Ya’ll can do old people stuff
together. </i>As I mentally tormented
myself I remembered the feeling I experienced when I briefly met him the week
before, but I pushed the thought aside.
I couldn’t explain the feeling, from just being in the same room as him,
and I was weird enough without conjuring up any more reasons to confirm myself any
more of a weirdo that I already was. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">I step out of the car into the dusky
evening, and feel the warm air still holding on from the hot Arkansas summer
day. It was early September, September 4th
to be exact. The night my life would
change forever. The night God gave me
the most precious gift I would ever receive.
A chance for a happy, peaceful, unimaginable love filled life. The night he gave me James.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">I sat on the church pew
in between my mom and her best friend waiting for Sunday services to start. My mom had rededicated her life to God and we
had started attending the church my grandmother raised me in. My mom leaned forward and spoke to a man
sitting in front of us. My mom spoke to
everyone, so this was not unusual to me.
She leaned back and smiled at me.
Oblivious to her thoughts I smiled right back and went back to reading a
leaflet that I had stuck in my bible cover.
Church started and the music service was underway. We sang our hymns, took up the offering, and
they called for special songs. The guy my
mom had talked to stood up. <i>Oh this dude is going to sing. Hmmm.
Hope he is good. </i>The music
starts and he begins his special. He has
a beautiful voice and I see something in his eyes that just seems like...”home”.
I know that is a weird word to describe
it, but I just felt calm, like I could sit her in this place for a very long
time. I fade away into his voice and
eyes like some kind of weirdo. Suddenly
I am yanked from this wonderful unexplainable place into reality as my mom and
her best friend simultaneously start jabbing me in the sides and grinning like
idiots. I am annoyed by this. They think I like him. I do not like him! I mean this guy is OLD. I hope they are not thinking I need to talk
to him…like that…like a boyfriend. I quickly make a facial expression that
says, “Uhm I don’t think so”, and follow it up with a mental note to myself to <i>SNAP OUT OF IT! </i>Nothing is going to happen here. Nothing.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;"> I walk into the
camper my family is temporarily living in until my parents new doublewide trailer
is delivered. My mom is sitting on one
of the twin beds facing me. She
nonchalantly says, “Hey…what did you think of that guy that sang in church last
Sunday?” I reply annoyed, “He could
sing. Thank goodness. I hate those
people that can’t sing, but get up there to hear themselves. Has nothing to do with God and it gives me a
headache. That is it. Why?” I pause and
catch a smile on her lips. “DO NOT CALL
HIM MOM! I MEAN IT! THAT IS SO LAME. HE IS OLD!” I glare at her. “Oh good lord child. He is not old. He is 23.” She says stifling a laugh. “Mom…how do you know his age?” I ask already knowing the answer to my
question. “I swear I did not call. He
knows John and Crystal and he asked about you. Crystal called Naomi and she
called me. He wants to go out with you.”
She pauses and braces for my reaction. Slight
panic sets in. “I don’t want to meet
him. What would I even say? You know I don’t
talk to guys.” I say with desperation in
my voice. “Honey you need to…talk to
guys…ya know? You are 17 and its time…”
she trails off. “Time for what? To get married for God’s sake! Mom you know I’m
leaving here. I’m going away to
college. I just don’t know...” I say sounding less sure. I wanted to go on a date, but it had just never
happened. Between being overweight and
shy I guess it just never happened… I keep asking myself the same question, <i>What will I even say to him? </i>Everything I ever thought about saying to
any guy just sounded stupid when I said it in my head. After much persuasion on my mom’s part the
date was set. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 200%;">I walk up to the porch
and there he sits. He is talking with
John and I can see him smile as he laughs at something Jon says. I catch myself smiling at his smile, like a buffoon. I quickly stop smiling just before he looks
up. Our eyes meet.
I take a deep breath against the resistance of the nervousness in my
chest and squeak out a shaky “Hi…” I
notice he is quiet too. I like this
about him instantly. John and Crystal
start talking and we make plans to go to dinner at Danny’s 24 Hour Restaurant. I don’t feel uneasy sitting close to him on
the ride to the restaurant, which is weird for me. I am always uneasy…around…well… everyone.
Conversation is relaxed and I catch myself smiling at him over and over again
for no reason. <i>Get a grip Jodie. He is going to think you are mentally
handicapped. </i>As we head back home I
just keep thinking I have to see him again.
I want to know him. I want to know everything about him. </span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4nazkcyv-_jx1o029EiLKzlGgT5nACA5Drh9N7G3ThNlchJXAHXw-dejeD-ramY7Q_A7r9Lo3aHYmCF7lq4rrdupiQUR5mtDgNFPjORTz6ZVBm9d0xIzLA-pLYOejGzjGeEdv-hng_aw/s1600/6220_1172977532479_502727_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4nazkcyv-_jx1o029EiLKzlGgT5nACA5Drh9N7G3ThNlchJXAHXw-dejeD-ramY7Q_A7r9Lo3aHYmCF7lq4rrdupiQUR5mtDgNFPjORTz6ZVBm9d0xIzLA-pLYOejGzjGeEdv-hng_aw/s1600/6220_1172977532479_502727_n.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-23572178150648343522013-01-31T15:10:00.000-08:002013-01-31T15:13:52.977-08:00I Give Her the Love of a Mother<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I condition her hair and explain again the three types of
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span><br />
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giving help in order to strengthen her weaknesses.</span></span></div>
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</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I listen to her tell me about her day paying attention for
any sad moments that may need comforting and celebrating her victories with
smiles and high fives.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I remind her to pick up her shoes, read her bible, and
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I try to explain the unexplainable evils of this world while
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I reward her for her good deeds and accomplishments and
discipline her when she knowingly disobeys</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I tell to her how beautiful and magnificent she is while
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I rub her sore legs at night while her bones grows to
quickly for the rest of her to keep up</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I hold her in my lap when she wants to be close but I try to give her distance when she wants to hang out with her friends. Watching her mature socially from the sidelines.</span></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I teach her to load the dishwasher and fold towels
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I see my precious little baby in those big blue eyes but also
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</span></span><br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I worry about her constantly. I pray for her without ceasing<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span> </span></span><br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I give her the love of a mother.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933077321584936585.post-31996149931560303242013-01-30T20:10:00.002-08:002013-01-30T20:10:18.445-08:00A Honey Bun and a Diet Coke<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m sitting at my desk typing away on my latest
assignment when I sit up, yawn, and look at the clock on my computer screen. It
reads 3:00 PM.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">3:00 PM! Oh my I have been sitting here for too long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>As I come to this realization I feel a
light throb in my shoulders and upper back, my legs are tingling, and my wrist
are sore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shake my wrist out and
decide that I am hungry too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decide
that I will eat a snack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look in my lunchbox
and see the apple and protein bar I responsibly brought with me to work this
morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really don’t want to eat
you healthy food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what do I want
though?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess I will get up and walk
down to the canteen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>Halt! I know and
you all know that THIS is a bad idea!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I quickly
recall all the latest information I have read regarding the evils of vending
machines and I know that there is nothing in that machine that is going to be
remotely healthy for me to eat at this 3:00 pm lag time, but my boredom and
slight hunger take on a mind of their own. So, I grab my wallet and down the
stairs I go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please note that I did
decide to take the stairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just want
credit given where it is due!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I arrive at the vending machines and the rational
side of me reminds me that I can at least attempt to buy something that is half
way worth putting in my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I scan the
shelves of the delightful treats and there it sits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The honey bun! It looks delicious and I want
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want it bad.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The bargaining process begins in my brain:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s just one honey bun Jodie. Come on you
DESERVE a treat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have had a
stressful day and worked very hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
can’t deprive yourself of everything good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The good die young they say! </i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The obese die young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know this is a bad decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should march right back up to your desk
and eat your protein bar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will fill
you up until dinner and it’s not just empty calories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Calories!
Let’s think about what you have had to eat today… a protein shake, a yogurt,
and a lean cuisine. I mean you should be named a saint of Healthy Eating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is quite an impressive list of food not
to mention how many EXTRA calories you have left for today. Besides when you
get home you can walk a couple miles…okay a mile.</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">True…I
could do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I have been “good”
all day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One honey bun is not the end of
the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean it has been forever since
you ate a honey bun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay, but only this
one time! Just for a special treat! I do deserve it after all…</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Clink! Clink! Clink! I drop my change and my sugary
bun o’ goodness falls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then go to the
drink machine and purchase my diet coke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I pick up the can and scan the label.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">See…no calories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you had gotten a regular drink you would
have taken in hundreds of extra calories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You are so hard on yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
make responsible decisions all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You don’t ever give yourself credit for the good decisions…you just
always want to beat yourself up! </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Well the fact of the matter is a bad decision is bad
decision no matter how many you make, how you rationalize it, or how you try to
justify it to yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like choosing
the honey bun there are times when we make bad choices in our spiritual walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We know the right thing to do, but we choose
the wrong things anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only do we
choose the wrong things often times we convince ourselves it was “okay” to make
that choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We continuously do this…living
in this “in between” state.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
probably one of the worst places we can be in our relationship with God. You find
yourself in this place where you claim to be his child and all the wonderful
things that come alone with it, but your actions don’t reflect that declaration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is confusing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not confusing to God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is confusing to us!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God always does his part in the
relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When WE make bad choices
and things go horribly wrong…It has everything to do with US and our decisions.
But, WE often find ourselves asking “Why God?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why ME?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">One day you are “thankful for your blessings” and
the next day you are drunk beyond rationalization (but you deserve a night out…you’re
a busy mom and wife…you just need to “cut loose” one time...it's harmless).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day you are asking for prayers and the
next you are lying to your friend to avoid an engagement you don’t want to
attend (you don’t want to hurt her feelings…it’s the right thing to do).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day you are offering to pray for the family who will be split up from a divorce (and the next day you are gossiping about who all the wife has slept around with. She shouldn't have done it if she didn't want people to talk about it). And the list goes on and on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You look inside your heart, and you know the
right thing to do. You know you should eat that protein bar, but that honey bun
taste SOOO good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its okay though…you don’t
eat one every day and you are having that diet coke with it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">So what does God have to
say about this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does he have to say
about our constant “on the fence” state?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That dangerous spiritual place; where we feel closer to God than letting
go of him all the way. That false comfort we feel with the justifications of
our shortcomings…</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Revelation 3: (ESV)</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></b><sup><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">15 </span></sup>“‘I
know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold
or hot! <sup>16 </sup>So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor
cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. <sup>17 </sup>For you say, I am
rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are
wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. </div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">1 John
2:15-16</span> (ESV)</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Do not love the world or the things in the world. If
anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is
in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in
possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">James 3:10-12</span></span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">
(<b>ESV)</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My
brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the
same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear
olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. </span></div>
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I try to remember each day that I am going to do something(s) really stupid. But I try my hardest each day to transform myself into his image. I remember the goal that is set for myself each day. Which is to be someone that people see God in, so if they should have a question in their hearts that may draw them closer..they know they can ask me. I redirect my desires from that of the world to God and his promises. I know that as he fills me up I will no longer hunger for the worldly things I desire. </div>
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