Detonation...in 3...2...1

I wake up to screaming.  This isn’t unusual to me, but I see an orange glow in my window and I am not certain what it is. I crawl out of my bed and look out the window over my dresser.  My mom is standing in front of my dad cussing loudly as a pile of something burns on the side walk in front of our house.   I grab my pillow case off the floor and climb back in my bed praying that I get to stay in my bed tonight.  

The daylight breaks through my window and I wake up thankful that I wasn’t dragged from my bed and taken to anyone’s house for the night.  I look out my front window and see a black spot beside the sidewalk with some ashes and pieces of charred clothes.  I quietly open my door and sneak into the kitchen.  It is a Saturday and I know that I need to stay quiet.  Saturday mornings are uncertain.  Some mornings my mom will eventually get up and cook breakfast, some mornings my mom’s friends are passed out in various rooms of our house, and others there are people I don’t even know sleeping on our couch.  I sneak past my parent’s door and they are both sleeping soundly.  They must not be mad at each other anymore.  Good.  Make you some breakfast, turn the TV on low and watch cartoons.  Just be quiet and don’t wake anyone up in case they are still mad.  I watch my cartoons and hope my grandma calls to see if I want to come to her house.

If you asked me one thing I remember most about my childhood it would be uncertainty.  I was always so uncertain.  There were no bedtimes, no chores, no rational reasons for why you got in trouble or you didn’t.  You never knew what to do.  There was no rhyme or reason to life.  My stomach always stayed upset because I was in a constant state of anxiety trying to control a very uncontrollable environment.  Everything in life shapes you.  It shapes your mind and how you see and react to the world around you.  All of these things made me the person I am today.  All of the uncertainty of my early childhood would only be compounded by the death of my grandmother when I was in Jr. High, followed closely by the suicide of my favorite uncle; then the loss of my mother when I was 20.  

You see things that don’t normally happen to people…unthinkable, unimaginable, unexplainable things. They happened to me.  I endured abuse from before I can remember until I was in the 6^th grade.  I lost people that I loved and people that I had still had so many questions for by the age of 20.  These things created this neurotic, unsure, overachieving control freak typing this very blog post.  I was once asked by someone I knew if there was anything about the early years of my life I did like and the answer was certainly.  There were smiles and laughter.  There were times when all was calm and life was happy.  But you see the thing that makes even those good times bad is the uncertainty.  When would the other foot drop? When would the good stretch come to an end? When would the next person be taken? When would the next fight happen?  And the list goes on and on. 

So how do I get through all this?  How do I become a person that overcomes all these horrible things in order to live a normal life?  I guess the answer is you don’t completely.  My emotions and anxiety seem like a series of two steps forward and three steps back.  I pray constantly and most days I feel like I coast along very peaceful, then weeks like this week occur and  I feel like I have been steamrolled by Satan,  and he is looking back at me laughing because I thought I had defeated him.  The funny thing about Satan is that he likes to see you fall and fall hard.  He loves to see that hint of doubt…a very small space where he can wedge his way in between you and God.

I have been sick for a couple of weeks now.  I know (James)…I should have been to the doctor, but see I HATE to take medicine.  I’m very sensitive to its effects and adverse effects and the bottom line is…most of it makes me more anxious.  So the anxiety (I am able to keep at bay most days) is typically aggravated by medication.  Your brain is basically this big ole stew pot of chemicals and hormones.  Mine is a delicate recipe and does not take well to any tweaks in the ingredients.  So I finally gave in and let my friend help me get some OTC medicine in order to get my sinuses under control.  Due to this I have been over the top nervous all week! Tuesday I was certain Hannah’s prescription cough syrup was going to kill her because it had codeine in it.  It didn’t…it just made her very HYPER.  Friday I was certain I dropped her off at school to early and the doors were locked so some weirdo had kidnapped her.  My dear friend sent me a text of her alive and well after I text her in a panic. Thank you dear friend…you know who you are.  And finally the icing on the cake…my 5 panic attacks in one as I was sure she was kidnapped from Jack and Jill tonight at her cousins birthday party.  Nope!  She was stuck in the jumpy and couldn’t hear me calling her name.  If you can imagine an anxiety atomic bomb upon its detonation then you can imagine yours truly tonight. BOOM! 

I am still shaking slightly and my head is pounding as we get back in the minivan.  I am away from everyone I have already cried in front of at the party.  We head towards the restaurant we are going to and I have James stop and get me some medicine for my headache (sinus pressure + crying = horrendous pain!!!)  As I am waiting for him Hannah tells me she is sorry for scaring me and I burst into tears again.  I feel so stupid and angry with myself.  I feel sorry for her…that she has to have me for a mother.  I wish that she could have a normal mom that would just let her be a normal kid.  “Normal mothers” that let their kids run around public places unattended should be hauled off to DHS parent prison in my neurotic opinion.  James gets back in the car and he can tell I have been crying again.  I know. I’m crying…again!!! Run! Take your child and find a normal mom for her that will let her run around town without adult supervision! I am a NUT!!! UGGGG!!!

We end up coming home because I feel absolutely sick at this point.  I try to apologize to James and Hannah for crying but I start crying when I do this. James starts laughing, “Really?”  He says.  “Yes! I am crying because I am apologizing for crying! Shut up!”  He laughs a little longer.  “Baby do you just want to sit and cry it out for a little while?” he teases. I remind him what I complete nut I was when we met and we both agree on my progress over the years.   I laugh and Hannah giggles.  I feel better.  I don’t know why.  Because I have these emotional breakdowns less and less each year?  Yes. That does make me feel better to know in another 20 years or so I may be perfectly calm.  Part of the reason I feel better is because God gave me these two to make me laugh when I do flip out.  Also, because I have a loving family that understands I am little on the nervous side and they love me anyway.  These reasons and so many more do make me feel much better.

I guess my point in this blog is to let you all know that I’m not 100% ok all the time.  I want you all to understand the purpose of this blog was in part to give people hope.  Hope that despite the fact you may fail daily it is still worth getting up tomorrow to try again.  As long as you are being honest with yourself and really trying! 

 I pray for peace daily (and the ability to conquer my anxiety) and most days God sends it my way.  But life is so unpredictable.  Things are going to happen and you are going to stumble.  You are going to be the person you absolutely did not want to be when you woke up.  When you do this you are going to briefly get sad and overwhelmed…you may want to turn away from God and fall back on the worldly things that temporarily make you feel better.  For me that place is self-pity and anger.  You get pissed at the situation and the people who failed you…you get mad at the world.  But then in a minivan surrounded by love and laughter you exhale, you say a silent prayer seeking God’s forgiveness and his patience as you CHOOSE once again to forgive and move forward.  You know that tomorrow you can continue just as you are or you can give it to God and pray that you are stronger for this day of weakness! Never give up…on yourself or on God. 

I remember that God know the exact number of hairs on my pretty little neurotic head.  I remember that he pieced me together in my mothers womb.  I remember that he knows my strengths and weaknesses.  He knows exactly what I need and don't need....what I can withstand and what I cannot.  I remember that its okay to be me, as much as I may hate what I am at times,  my God loves me anyway (ALL the time)!

Would You Change it all if You Could?

The sun softly peeks through the clouds as it begins to rise over the beautiful blue ocean water.  I can already feel the wind starting to pick up more warmth from it as I make my way along the coast line.  My feet are lightly burying in the sand from my weight and I can feel the scratchy massage on my soles.  It feels good.  I take a deep breath and inhale the smell of salt and a hint of fishiness.  It is so breathtakingly beautiful and very peaceful.   James and I had decided this year we would take Hannah to the beach for a family vacation.  This was our first morning there and I was too excited to sleep past 5:30, so I got up and quietly threw on some clothes.  I wanted to take in as many of the beautiful sights and smells as possible before we had to return home in a short week.  I sat on the white sand and closed my eyes.  I said a prayer thanking God for the opportunity to be here with my sweet little family and I thank him for creating so much beauty.  I heard a loud bang and jumped.  I looked to my right and noticed the cabana boy pulling out the cushions and umbrellas for the beach chairs.  People were starting to walk down the boardwalks and claim their spot for the day.  I looked up toward our condo balcony and Hannah was standing there in her PJs with messy hair waving at me.  I am so excited that she gets to wake up and eat her breakfast ocean front.  Then, I instantly think when I was her age you could not have convinced me this life was real for little girls.  I would have been in shock had you told me that families went to the beach for a week and just spent time together…alone…enjoying and loving each other.  

First Family Beach Vacation 2009

 

Christmas time was approaching and our calendar started to fill up as it always does.  This is my first Christmas out of school since Hannah started kindergarten and all her after school activities.  I am very excited to squeeze as much holiday fun into this season as possible.  Melanie asks the troop how many people will be attending the Christmas parade, and I let her know that Hannah, James, and I will be there.  We arrive to the parade and find out way to the Girl Scout float.  Hannah quickly finds some girlfriends and starts having a ball.  I look around at all the people and the floats amazed that our town actually has this event.  I look over at Hannah, she and her friend with a blinking Rudolf nose are laughing and talking.  I feel so overcome with happiness that she gets to be a part of the festivities.  I see that she feels like she belongs here, and that makes me very emotional.  I have never really felt like I belonged anywhere.  Again I think to myself when I was her age you could not have convinced me this life was real for little girls.  Moms and Dads really get in their coats and come out in cold weather to parades; so they can watch their children celebrate and have a good time.  We are behind the church float that starts playing the Christmas Cannon and the music only flames my overly emotional state.  I fight back tears as I often do.  They are a mixture of happy tears for Hannah and sad tears for a little girl that missed out on so much.  It seems unfair to me, and again I bow my head...first thanking God for this time with my sweet little family and ask him to help me once again forgive those who I feel wronged me and robbed me of a childhood I deserved.  

Christmas Parade 2012 (First one I have ever attended in White Hall)

 

I am talking with my co-workers and the conversation finds its way to the topic.  You would be surprised at how many times in my life I have been speaking to people about the most random things, and there it is…the subject of abuse.  Maybe there has been a recently headline story and a child at the school their son or daughter attends has been abused and of course the story has made its way around the community.  “I just couldn’t imagine! I mean it’s just so sad you know…that child is scared for life!  I mean there is no undoing what has been done because of this.  I just don’t know what I would do! I decided a long time ago that I would no longer hide my abuse.  My mother had insisted on hiding it for years and made me feel as those I had done something wrong. Something I should be ashamed of.  Me speaking out about it, as a strong educated Christian woman,  puts the wrongfulness and shame where it needs to be.  With the abusers.  So I tell them I was abused when I was a little girl.  Of course this sparks an array of reactions.  Sympathy, Anger, Tears, and Curiosity.  Most people have lots of questions like, but the one that everyone asks me is “Would you go back and change your life if you could?”

You are probably familiar with a song by Garth Brooks called The Dance.  The song is really a love story about a man who loses his wife, and struggles with accepting the pain of her death deciding that he indeed would have went through that excruciatingly painful lose in order to have kept all the wonderful moments and memories they created in their life.  In my younger years before I met James and created the life we have together the answer was yes.  Some nights in the instant I wake up from a horrible nightmare in a cold sweat, before I make James go get Hannah, and put her beside me in bed so I can convince myself she is ok…the answer is yes.  But my life now is so abundantly blessed.  The everyday ordinary  life of being a wife, mother, family member, friend, co-worker, and all the other things people see in me are overwhelmingly beautiful and awe-inspiring.  If changing even one of the dark scary moments of my childhood would remove any part of the life I currently live then the answer is no.  

The Dance- Only Garth Version I could find :)

Another thing I think about is my testimony.  Like I have written before, it is my strong belief that God allowed what happened to me to happen so that I could go on to better serve him.  I think I am a more humble and grateful person everyday because of the point of comparison I hold on life.  I CHOOSE to overcome the negative feelings that Satan wants me to have in order to fully serve my God.  Do I question God why this happened? Sure, but not as much as I used to.  I think the closer I draw to him the more at peace I am…the more I am able to focus on the blessings in front of me.  He reminds me daily the more power I give Satan through negativity and anger the less room there is in my heart to love and focus of James, Hannah, and my walk with him.

 

Romans 1:21 (ESV) ²¹ For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

 Every time I bow my head and thank him for something as simple as seeing my husband hug my daughter I realize the gift he gave me... the ability to be humble and thankful to him in the most mundane situations...when so many are not. Turns out those ordinary commonplace things are the awe-inspiring life confirming things.  They are the things we should be bowing our head over....giving him honor and thanks; which gives ours thoughts purpose and allows his light to be in our hearts reflecting out to others.  When they wonder how despite unthinkable circumstances you remain so peacful and happy...you can tell them. God. 

Are you a lover or a figher?

 ^“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails….” I hear my future father-in-law read these words in his strong country accent; as I am looking at my groom.  James is in a suit (a very rare occurrence) and he is sweating profusely.  If I hadn’t known better I would have thought it was nerves. It had been an emotional day, my wedding, my mother had gotten angry with me and my sister, walked out of the house, and slammed the door shut so hard it had jammed and my dad had to get us out by removing the door knob. I was full of nerves, but very certain of one thing…James and his love were both different than anything I had ever experienced.  It wasn’t that cheesy romantic burning hot love (although there was plenty of that in those newlywed years). LOL!  No, this was a constant.  This was a peaceful, safe, and happy place for me to be amongst all the chaos.  I just felt so at ease when I was in his presence.  He had, and still has, such a calming effect on me.    

 

Me and My love

I find that people who grew up in homes where they were loved appropriately and never had to question if they were loved take it for granted.  I wake up most mornings and it is the first thing I think of.  I stop and thank God for another day that I get to love and be loved by Hannah and James.  It seems unreal to me at times that I actually live the life I live.  James wakes up and now that he is home he wakes me up too.  He showers as I get all the way awake.  I finally get up and walk across my house with two little yorkies on my heels as we make our way to Hannah’s room. As soon as the door is cracked open enough they dash through the door and clear about 5 feet as the land smack dab in the middle of bed on top of her.  She protest, “Get off of me! Ughh.”  I giggle, clear my throat, and then in a serious tone assert, “Time to get up Hannah”.  She is a lot like her mom and does not like mornings.  There is no room for pleasantries.  I walk back into my kitchen and start my coffee.  Sometimes I just walk around the corner and look out over my back deck and once again I thank God for this day of peace, calmness, routine, and most of all love.  

For many years during the early part of our marriage I waited for and constantly worried about when the other shoe would drop and James would get mad of me, sick of me, and ready to tell me how stupid I was, what a joke I was and how he never wanted to talk to me again.  I knew that “love” was something someone could offer up, but quickly recant when you did not please them according to what they expected of you.  I knew that kindness and gifts were handed out of one hand while slaps across the face came from the other (and even worse words that would cut you to the bone from the mouth).  That is something God warns us about. Something that we should stop and be sure to think about every time we think we want to open our mouth and say anything. Is what we are saying for the intention of harming another person or loving them and lifting them up? (Eph 4:29) he goes on to include the fact that your words should give grace to those who hear.  Grace being that your words which God makes available his favor on behalf of sinners, who actually do not deserve it.  By your words being encouraging and uplifting in his name you are able to witness to others and make an avenue to salvation available to those who need it.  That is big.  It is huge.

I lay beside James in our bed, we haven’t been married very long, and I ask him, “How do you know God is real? Why do you believe in him?”  He responds with one word, “Faith.”  I lay there knowing what faith is from my grandmother.  But, I still doubted...  I remember all the horrible things that happened in my life and all of the awful things I had been called.  I recalled the constantly uncertain love that had been given to me and I did not believe it existed.  I doubted that real love existed and therefor I doubted that God and his grace existed.  My heart was damaged and I was unsure if it healing was even an option.  But, I laid there and held onto James and I prayed that he had enough love and enough grace for both of us.  

James and I started attending Cannon Baptist Church.  The preacher at this church was young and he was very much a teacher.  He extended love and lots (and lots) of patience to me as I struggled to understand what he was trying to teach me.  God led us here because he knew exactly how my mind worked and the state of my heart.  He knew that this would be an environment where I could ask questions openly and not be ashamed for my lack of knowledge at the age of 26, especially for someone who had “grown up in church”.  At this point I was unaware of how little I knew and as I started to learn little by little, something wonderful happened.  I wanted to learn more.  All the growth I felt I had undergone since meeting James almost 10 years before was barely a scratch on the surface for what God had planned for me.  I read and read and read my bible and a book recommended for me by Brother Bobby.  That book is called, “Meet the Bible”, by Yancey http://www.amazon.com/Meet-Bible-Panorama-Reflections-ebook/dp/B000SI5JLE/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1358988929&sr=1-2&keywords=yancey+bible

As the bible stories I had been told of as a child started to connect in my mind my heart began to soften even more.  For the first time through James love, the support of my church family, and the guidance of mom and dad (Howell) my heart began to transform.  It would be a long journey as I continued to grow in God, but I had hope and that was huge for a scared young girl who had turned into an angry young lady doubting love from anyone, including God.

 

Brother Bobby  

 

My journey to forgiveness and healing very much hinged on love.  Every time something would happen in my life from the point I heard the verses above I would recall what love really was.  I would analyze the current fight or tension and I would ask myself, do you love this person and more recently I have started asking myself does this person love you? I have been in prayer lately about this and this morning God really spoke to me as I studied his word.  He let me know what I needed to assess in my relationships with others to decide if they indeed were loving from me to the other person and from the other person to me.  When you are troubled over a relationship in your life ask yourself

1.      Is the person patient with you and are you patient with them?

There are a million things that James and I do that get on each other’s last nerve, but there are a million and one things that we adore about each other.  The fact that we see so much good in one another outweighs the impatience we are tempted to have with one another.

2.      If the person kind to you?  Do you find it easy to be kind to them?

Nothing breaks my heart more than to think of Hannah suffering because of me.  There are times when I may say something critical of her and I see the pain I accidentally caused.  This crushes me and I want nothing more than to erase the pain I have caused her.  If you don’t feel this way about a person or someone continuously seems unfazed by their hateful actions towards you…you are not experiencing kindness and love.

3.      Is this person envious of you?  Are they constantly boastful, pointing out what they have that you don’t?  Is this person proud of THEMSELVES and what THEY do?  Do they ever acknowledge your accomplishments? Do you see your qualities in yourself within certain relationships you hold?

I have a best friend, Tiffany, who I love dearly.  Due to my very low self esteem I can be quite the overachiever.  This does tend to put people around me “off”.  It took me a little while to realize this quality in myself.  You see I am so afraid of people seeing me how I see myself that I constantly try to project “perfection”.  But Tiffany always saw through this.  She was never intimidated by me or my constant need to accomplish anything and everything.  She was actually quite the opposite…she was always the person quietly telling me that I was enough.  The love she has for me allows her to see my real heart and my real internal struggle. She is a constant source of love in this respect.  I am thankful God saw that need in my life and sent Tiffany to help me through those struggles.

Me and Tiff at my Graduation

4.      Does the person dishonor you? Do they do so in a self-seeking manner?

I was recently made aware that I had been talked badly about.  The person that told me about this was pretty upset and they were kind of impressed that I was not angry and did not feel the need to call out the offender. The insults (from what I understood) were made in order to make the person telling them appear to be the “better person” to people who heard the words spoken.  As I took this information in…I just prayed to God for the person who spoke badly of me.  There is obviously some hurt there.  But the good thing about being a child of God...you know who you are, and you know that God knows who you are.  You don't feel the need to attend every argument you are invited to.  Until then you seek peace through him.  You have peace knowing that all reconciling that will be needed will be handled by God.   

A person that loves you does not dishonor you; especially to make themselves appear to be “better” than you.  There should never be a doubt in your mind that the people who you claim as loved ones are only speaking kind words out of your presence… and your loved ones should have that same expectation of you.

5.      Is the person easily angered by you? Are you by them?

If you find yourself in a constant battle and fight with another person you are in an unhealthy relationship period.  You are in a relationship that is not filled with God’s love or his grace.  James 1 19-20 tells us, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”  We know that love extends God’s grace and now we realize that Anger does quite the opposite.  Disagreeing and working through things in love is healthy…being in a constant state of anger and animosity is not.

6.      Does the person keep a record of wrongs done by you? Do you keep a record yourself?

a.       As I spoke about in my blog post about acceptance http://jodiehowell.blogspot.com/2013/01/there-is-hole-inside-all-of-us.html

We all wrong one another at times.  We are hypercritical at times.  We say things we don’t mean out of frustration.  We are imperfect people, and we all depend on one another to see past our faults in order to extend love to one another.  However; if you are in a relationship where you are constantly ticking another mark on the “Scoreboard of Pain” and mentally cataloging each hurt so that they can be using against each other in a court of “well I remember when you said or did...” then you are not experiencing a relationship of  love. Evaluate it and decide if you need to move on.  What does not make you stronger emotionally and spiritually should not be continued; this is especially true for relationships with other people.  God wants us to experience his love through one another…he rejoices when we extend grace. 

^7.        Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

This just sums up 1-6.  Love is the presence of God in a relationship. Where God exist only truth can exist.  Where evil live and rejoices God cannot.  As a Christian person you should never put yourself in a situation where God (love) is not ever present.  It inhibits your spiritual walk…yes other people can limit your spiritual walk.  Know your spiritual maturity level. Know what you can handle and know when to let go. Sometimes we feel the need to “save” people and as Christians we feel a strong urge to guide others to God through love, but I recently read these words in the book “Unglued” and God spoke to me giving me answers to pleas I have made to him in prayer.  Though this book he allowed me to see that there are just “impossible people” and although “all things are possible through him…all things are not possible with people who refuse to be led by him.” There is a time when we reach our limits and God says, “Ok.  You have done enough and in order for you to sustain a healthy spiritual walk you must let this person go.”  It’s a big decision, but one that must be made. Again any situation that does not extend Gods grace through love is one of evil which does not. If you are experiencing this...my advice is to talk to your pastor or a spiritual leader who can guide you.

It [Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails….”

I can honestly tell you in the 13 years I have been blessed with my husband and his family we have had many disagreements and walked away sometimes feeling very unliked…but I cannot recall a time that I have not felt protected, trusting, hopeful, and certain that a happy, peacrful, calm future awaits me in the presence of such a beautiful Christian family.  There is nothing like it.  I without a doubt know that God gave me these people to learn how to love him through their testimony as a crazy messy imperfect, but LOVING family. I remain forever be grateful for them and LOVE them to best of my ability. For I know that is what God expects of me when I claim to love another person. 

The love of Family.