There is a Hole Inside All of Us

I call James’ name three times and he doesn’t respond…then after an annoying pause he says “what honey”.  “What honey?!” I respond with attitude dripping from my words.  He looks up from his phone a little surprised.  I give him the death stare.  He is obviously trying to figure out what he did, and that angers me even more. He should know how rude that was.  “Did you hear me call your name three times, James?”  He pauses thinking what to say to me.  “Yes.” He states simply.  “Why didn’t you answer?” I say clearly annoyed.  He shrugs.  He obviously does not know the depth of his offense.  I mean how rude.  He heard me and he should have responded! It’s a common courtesy. I mean I NEVER get preoccupied with my phone and don’t respond to him. Gheez! The nerve of that man. 

I walk through the house and trip over Hannah’s boots.  I take a deep breath and continue on my way to the kitchen.  I look at the counter and it is covered in yarn, masking tape, scissors, her book bag, library book, and hoodie.  I am very frustrated, but I am not giving in to the urge to scream like a maniac.  I calmly walk to her room, open the door, and take in the mass destruction.  It appears as if a bomb of yarn was set off.  There is yarn shrapnel scattered over her carpet.  Her fitted sheet hangs from her mattress to the floor as she lay sleeping on bare mattress in her full set of PJs and house coat.  I see red and anger takes over…“HANNAH ELIZABETH HOWELLLLLLL!!",  I scream at the top of my lungs. She jumps up in her bed, eyes wide open, red, pupils constricted as she tries to take in the morning light and process what life threatening situation she is about to encounter.  “Hannah I am so sick of asking you nicely to pick up your things and keep your room clean.”  I bet if I walk into your bathroom your towel and clothes will be laying in the floor! Get up and get busy cleaning this mess up.  I can’t even get in the kitchen to make breakfast this morning!” I say to her with obvious disapproval in my voice.  She scurries out of bed and starts clearing the evidence of her offences.

“Baby!” I hear James call my name, but I am in the middle of reading this awesome book.  I can’t stop now.  I’ve been waiting for this part since I started reading the dang book.  A minute later I respond, “Yes babe?”  He calmly tells me what he wants and I go back to reading my book.  I’m feeling like a hot bath to finish the book, so I head to my room.  I trip over my tennis shoes from earlier today.  I stop pick them up and chunk them in the general direction of my closet.  I get to the restroom and start gathering my stuff for the shower.  My sink is covered in all my grooming necessitates.  The dryer falls off the edge and hits the floor loudly with a thud.  I pick it up, wrap the cord around it and put it away in the closet. I stop and look at my messy sink.  I think back to the way I treated Hannah and I feel like a big hypocrite! Then I recall my conversation with James.  What I did to him was no different than what he had done to me a couple of days ago.  He didn’t feel the need to treat me like dirt over my small manners transgression.  Why do I do this to the people I love the most?  Why am I so critical of them, but depend on them seeing past all my flaws in order to love me.  

A church family is a lot like a real family.  Sometimes we forget that we are all human and in our own way fall short of what God would have us to be.  There are many Christians that fall into the same pitfall that I have fallen into with James and Hannah.  They so easily see where their brothers and sisters in Christ stumble and fall, but they are unable to see the stumbling blocks in their own path.  Again God saw where I was struggling with this in regards to my own family and in my Christian walk. So he gave me what I needed… as we continued our bible study about the Sermon on the Mount he fed my soul these words… 

Matthew 7:1-5

New International Version (NIV)

Judging Others

7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

When I read these scriptures (that I had a read so many times before) the human nature aspect of this came into focus so much for me.  We all want to be good and right.  Most of us have a desire to be Godly people, but we refuse to go to a place (church) where we will sit through persecution from people that we dang well know aren’t perfect either…as a matter of fact these people may have been “imperfect with us” at times in the past and sadly even in the present.  “I’m not going to sit down and pretend to be something I am not to make these people happy”, my good friend tells me as we discuss church and the reasons for our choice to attend and not attend.  I think to myself…Well, the simple truth is God doesn’t want us to do that either.  I don’t believe that God ever meant for church to be a place where people put on mask of perfection, marched in, sat down, robotically went through the motion of service, got back in their cars, took off the mask, and went on living their imperfect lives until they returned the following Sunday.  I can’t see how that would benefit anyone.

I guess the one thing that bugs me about this scenario is that so much witnessing is lost when we choose to ignore our sins and shortcomings.  Really your whole testimony is gone! Your testimony is one of the most precious things God has blessed you with. It may not always feel like a blessing...but believe me it is.  I think God gives us all battles to fight within our hearts and lives, so we can overcome them in his name and bring hope to others who feel hopeless in their current state.  Quite frankly if we, as Christians, would get out noses out of the air and in a bible we could clearly see that the bible is a collection of imperfect people fighting their battles, and giving us hope that we can do the same.  

There is a hole inside all of us that God intentionally put there.  All of us feel incomplete in a sense…we all have a desire for "more".  We maybe can't articulate that need, but we know it is there.  That feeling comes from the hole inside of you that God wants you to fill with him and his love.  So, when you find yourself searching for ways to feel complete: shopping, drinking, sex, food, and an array of other things know that the hunger can be sated with what was meant to fill you completely God.  Know that the rest of us, even the charter member/deacon/elder/pastor/song leader/Sunday school teacher/etc. have this hole too.  These highly esteemed people most likely have and/or are currently struggling with making the decision to fill it with God instead of the worldly things they desire. We ALL desire something this world offers in some way.  Don’t shame yourself for it.  Make the choice to choose God over it, and then tell others who struggle with it how you overcame.  That is witnessing. That is the opposite of being a hypocrite. That will bring people together for love support and guidance. That is what church really is. 

Im sure someone will read this that I have sinned with.  There have been many times in my life that I have sought to fill my hole/my void with worldly things.  But I strive to walk in his image despite that urge; and man do I fail! Daily! That is okay though.  Through bible study and teaching my girls in Children's Church I grow stronger in him and I don't rely on the things of the world as much.  I see my fellow brothers and sisters in all their beautiful imperfection and I know that together as a loving and supportive church family we are stronger against what Satan would have...for us to hate one another and loose out faith in  God. Its that simple.