Hannah

I sat on the edge of our king sized bed nervously clutched the body pillow that had aided in what little sleep I was still able to get in between frequent trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the not so gentle kicks from you as you began to outgrow the limited space in my womb.  It was time to go to the hospital.  You were finally going to make your appearance.  I placed the pillow, that daddy claimed got me affection than him, beside me and reached down for the hem of my shirt.  I pulled it up and stared at my swollen belly.  I absolutely loved my pregnant belly.  I loved to watch you move around.  You kept the hiccups the entire time I was pregnant with you.  I would feel the tiny repetitive bounces beneath my hand and giggle.  Your daddy loved it too.  We would both lie in bed at night focused only on my belly waiting for your next move.  One night in particular your dad was trying to hear you.  I am not sure if he thought you would actually make a sound, but he had his ear pressed firmly to my belly right beside my belly button.  I felt a sudden jerk and sharp pain.  I opened my eyes to see dad’s shocked face looking up at me in disbelief.  He blinked and the confusion in his eyes quickly faded as he exclaimed, “She kicked me in the head”!   I started to laugh and told him he was invading your very limited space.  He laid his head beside me, and gently placed his big strong hands on the spot where he felt your kick.  He began talking to you in a soft loving voice; apologizing for squishing you. 

Now I have been in love with your daddy since the day I first met him.  I don’t know how I knew it then or that I could really explain it now, but he was my “home” from the first time I laid eyes on him in church.  But I have to tell you, something wonderful happened when we made you, I fell in love with him even more.  We weren’t so certain we would be able to have a baby.  We had been trying to get pregnant for a year and nothing happened.  Finally I decided I needed to go to the doctor and tell her what was going on.   She put my mind at ease and told me that this doesn’t always happen easily for everyone.  She decided to give me some medicine to help things along.  I went home very excited and took the first round.  We were so disappointed when we realized it didn’t work.   But we didn’t get discouraged.  We just got more medicine and prayed that God would bless us with a perfect little baby.  Each new month came and passed and no baby.  One night I walked up to dad and sat in his lap.  I was so sad that this might not work and I felt bad because I knew dad was so disappointed.  After I cried and told him how I felt he just hugged me tight and told me that if God didn’t want us to have a baby then that was okay too.  He told me that he loved me so much, and even though he wanted a baby really bad, I was enough for him forever. 

I decided to stop taking the medicine it caused me to have a lot of pain and it was just more and more sad to me each month that it did not work.  Dad decided we needed to get away, so we rented a cabin on Lake Hamilton.  He made us some yummy strawberry drinks and we sat out on the pier, over the lake, talking until all hours of the night.  It was one of the best weekends I can remember.  We came back home and life went on.  I was still very disappointed and silently hopeful for a miracle, but life went forward and we were happy.  About a month later I woke up and felt very tired and just “off”.  We had one last pregnancy test left under our bathroom sink so I thought to myself…You know you aren’t pregnant.  Then a little voice said…But what if you are?  I took the test and started to get ready.  A little while later I looked down at the test on the counter.  What was that?! It was a very faint pink line beside the control line.  I stopped breathing.  I felt my eyes start to sting with tears.  I picked up the test and walked into our bedroom. It couldn’t be!  I handed daddy the test and he look at it confused and back up at me with concern.  He said, “Why are you…” then he looked back down at the test window and saw the line too.  He eyes got so big.  He was in disbelief.  We both started laughing and crying all at once.  Then we both quickly decided we shouldn’t get too excited.  He wanted me to take another one, so I had to tell him that we had no more test plus I was all out of pee.  He stood up and started to dress quickly.  He was running out the door as he was pulling on his clothes.  He promptly returned with 3 boxes of test and a very large coke from McDonalds.  I started drinking and was able to take more tests.  Pink line…Pink line…Pink LINE!!! Oh my goodness it is true.  We are going to have a baby! 

The doctor later told me that she thought stopping worrying about  it was probably the best thing I could have done.  Imagine that…Momma worrying about something!  I guess that was the first of a lot of worrying I did over you my precious daughter.  But that is okay.  I really love worrying about you and loving you.  It is what makes me whole.  What makes me happy.  

After waiting and planning for nine months we were finally ready to meet you. The doctor decided to induce my labor and so daddy and I drove to the hospital talking everything from breastfeeding you to what you would want to be when you grew up.  I was admitted to the hospital and after 19 hours of labor it was apparent that you weren’t coming out on your own.  It seemed like it was so hard to get you in there, and now it was going to be harder to get you out.  They took me to the operating room where I would have you and while I was back there they decided to put me to sleep since the medicine they give you to numb you lower body wasn’t working on me.  

As fast as I went to sleep I woke back up.  I was kind of confused and immediately knew you were not in my body anymore.  That sensation really scared me, but before I could get too nervous daddy leaned over me.  I asked if you were ok and he told me you were just fine.  I saw you bundled up and dwarfed by your dad’s enormous hands.  He gently handed you to me and I looked into your beautiful eyes for the very first time.  My entire world tilted on its axis.  I was so very deeply in love with you, and then I looked up at your dad with tears in his eyes and it happened…I fell even more in love with dad yet again.  All of my dreams came true the day you were born. I was the mother of the most perfect blue eyed blond haired little girl.  Suddenly you let out a loud, very demanding, but precious “coo”.  Everyone started laughing and your Maw couldn’t believe how much you were talking for a newborn.  Looking back now we know that was “just Hannah”.  I don’t think you have stopped talking much since that first sound.  The beautiful noise that is my daughter…that is my life.  

Now each passing year as your mom brings new experiences and new challenges.  I pray each day that I am doing it all “right”.  I pray that I make the best decisions and give you the correct advice and guidance. Sometimes I have to just stop myself and remind myself that you are a wonderful person and that you have a beautiful spirit and strong relationship with God.  You amaze me with the things you say and how you live your life.  I am so proud of you when you refuse to compromise what you know is right, even when it may not be the popular or cool thing at that moment.  I love how you dance to the beat of your own drum with so much confidence.  You are everything I find beautiful in this world and it make me incredibly proud to know that somewhere in the middle of all that beauty and splendor lies a little piece of me.  That through you I am that beautiful too. I love you with all my heart! Thank you for being just who you are every day.