My Big Sister

The wind was howling and the rain was hitting the old trailer house glass window angrily.  I could feel the coolness of the air seeping around the poorly sealed windows.  A shiver ran down my little spine.  I was scared.  I sucked on my thumb and clung to my pillowcase in a vain attempt to sooth my nerves.  I looked around my room and suddenly every shadow was the possibility of danger.  I squeezed my eyes shut and decided to make a run for it.  My little feet hit the floor and quickly padded past my parents room and to the only person who could console me and make me feel safe.  I opened her door and whispered, “Beck beck are you asleep?” I saw her covers lift up and I knew I was in.  I leaped into her waterbed and snuggled up beside her tiny frame.  She put her arm over me simultaneously covering me with the blanket.  “You get scared because of the storm?” she asked.  I shook my head ‘yes’ without speaking because my thumb was still in my mouth.  “You know you can just keep sleeping with me if you want.  You don’t have to sleep in your bed…mom wont really care.”  But I knew Mom wanted me to start sleeping in my own bed, so I just nodded.  I put my ear to her chest. I could hear her heart beating…her breaths grew more rapid and shallow and she drifted to sleep.  My little eyes grew heavy… I was safe now. I was in the arms of my big sister. 

When I started writing this blog post I thought about including some of the tragedy that we faced and how we overcame it, but I think the victory is pretty evident and those memories have become something that both of us like to visit less and less.  I will tell you that having an adult relationship with my sister has been difficult.  You see dealing with the abuse brought about many emotions through the years, that were only complicated with our mother being gone.  We both had so many questions and so much anger…then I had Hannah.  Man! The birth of my daughter made coping and understanding almost impossible.  It was like being slapped in the face. My sister still hadn’t had her precious girls, so for the first time she was unable to relate.  During my weakest moments dealing with what happened to us, the one person who had always understood suddenly didn’t.  I dealt with my emotions being a new mom; finding acceptance and reconciling all of the emotions the best I could.  Our relationship was bumpy and then settled down, but there was still a divide that neither of us could fill. 

Six years later things changed, my sister gave birth to her first daughter.  I watched helplessly as the realization of pain and disbelief that I had faced, years earlier, hit her hard.  Again, dealing with all that pain as an abused child is one level of pain.  Holding your newborn child with overwhelming feelings of maternal love and protection…well your first question is, “Why didn’t anyone love me like this?  Why didn’t anyone want to protect me from the abuse?  I would KILL anyone that even thought of harming this baby girl!”  There are no answers.  Not only were we not protected from abuse, but also we were subjected to the abusers even after our mother knew about it! How? Why? No answers. Again, you gaze at your helpless infant with so much love, and so much sadness for the little girl inside of you who was neglected. 

As my sister struggled to reconcile her emotions, and our relationship continued to crumble.  I knew exactly how she felt, but I was scared to go back to that place of anger with her.  It had been so hard for me to let it all go and give it to God.  I would lie down at night and here her little voice, “Jodie, when he comes in here you pretend you are asleep ok.”  I would close my little eyes and endure her abuse as she protected me the only way she could yet again.  I couldn’t give up on us.  I couldn’t give up on her.  I knew she would never give up on me and even at our most tumultuous times I knew that she was only a phone call away if I truly needed her.  After all, even though we had been dealt this horrendous hand in life, she was my big sister.  The one who protected me from the storms of life.  I knew without a doubt under all of the pain we both suffered that had surfaced as anger…those two people who loved and protected each other were still very much there.

It came to a point where it was evident we both needed to have time on our own to deal with all the emotions.  We had both gotten to a point where we weren’t helping each other…we were only tearing each other down.  Neither of us wanted to pass this legacy of negativity to our daughters.  So, we did the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do…we stopped talking.  A year passed and the day came that I had been praying over for an entire year. We were ready to try to have a relationship again.  Now, some people will never understand the need to stop talking.  That is ok…most people have never had to deal with a tenth of what the two of us have.  When life gives you such circumstances you rarely handle them perfectly.  You handle them the best you can. That is exactly what we did.

Yesterday was our Christmas.  It was the best Christmas I can ever remember in my life!  We were both at peace.  Both of us had obviously come out of this storm on the other side and our hearts were finally calm and ready to accept all of God’s blessings.  I looked around at our families and tears pricked my eyes.  I mean…talk about an abundance of blessings! My sister and I have the most handsome and loving husbands.  Both of them would lay their lives down to protect our girls and us.  They are faithful God-fearing men who provide for their families, both financially and emotionally. Our babies are healthy and happy…running around playing and laughing.  Not one of those girls will EVER KNOW the hardships we had to face in their lives.  They are loved and protected above all else on this earth and that gives us both peace.  It’s amazing!  How did we become so blessed?

My sister and I were briefly discussing our lives and I told her, “It would have been easier for us had we gone through motherhood together.”  She agreed.  But, last night as I thanked God for the day and his guidance in our lives he whispered this truth to me.  Becky needed to be strong when I was weak, and I needed to be strong when she was weak.  So, God’s plan was best all along.  It was a huge blessing that we become new mother’s years apart! Wow! What an awesome God he is. Everything that happened to us was unfair and awful.  No one should have to endure it, but I have to say it is an awesome testimony to our God and it definitely makes us more humble and even more awesome moms.  We are pretty awesome at that anyway! Sometimes I get angry with people out age that had “perfect” childhoods…and squandered them.  I think to myself, why would someone take such a perfect gift and not propel themselves to more in life?  You were given such a strong foundation… My sister and I weren’t and we have both accomplished so much.  We had to fight for every victory in our lives at no fault of our own. Then my question is answered.  God doesn’t give you what you want.  He gives you what you need to choose your life and legacy.  It is up to you to take what you are given and glorify him.  My sister and I have definitely done that.  Not perfectly…but then again…it kind of is perfect.  Because...look at us now. Victorious. Highly favored.  Very loved.  Blessed beyond measure.  

My heart is full.