I’m sitting across from my 16 year old daughter on her bed that is on the floor. She decided she didn’t want a bed frame. I have no idea why not, but I pick my battles. One being the dried food in a bowl beside her bed. “Take that to the kitchen. It’s gross!” I tell her slightly frustrated. She laughs, but complies. I feel like everyday of motherhood has become more complex as she heads full force into womanhood. Simple things like teaching her the ABCs has evolved into complex things like what it means to become a woman in today’s society. I will pause here and make sure everyone knows I am a Christian. I’m probably one of the most flawed women you will ever meet, but I’ve been saved by the grace of God and I do my best to live out my faith everyday, this includes mothering my only child. My daughter. Back to my story, we continue to lie in her bed surrounded by the clutter that doesn’t seem visible to her. I make it a point to come in her room before bed and just chat with her in the evenings. It’s during these times we both feel at ease and the conversation flows easily. That is not always the case. As she has grown and tried to establish who she is I’ve felt her gently pushing me away. It’s a completely normal thing, I suppose. I mean we all do it. We grow, we stretch, and eventually we outgrow and become independent of the people who gave us life. As normal as it may be... it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face in my adult life. I guess that is another blog post. I think this space, her bedroom, is her domain. It’s a safe place and one where she does feel comfortable talking bluntly, so I step over the dirty laundry, I ignore the empty chip bag in the floor, and I sit with her in this place and we talk.
Tonight we are going over the events of the day and her eyes get big, “Momma. I forgot to tell you. A girl at school sent a nude photo and it got shared today. She was really upset. I felt really bad for her.” My heart sinks and I say a little prayer for this girl. I don’t know her situation, but I know her life is in turmoil this very moment and I want to hug her. I want to tell her that she made a mistake, but we all make them. I want her to know that this moment will pass and it will be okay. I also bite my tongue as I want to jump into the whole speech with Hannah about not sending anything on your phone you wouldn’t want put on a billboard. However, I’ve learned that kind of reaction creates frustration and leads to what I call a “shutdown”. A shutdown is where my daughter feels like I think she is stupid and can’t think for herself. It’s a moment where she stops sharing because she doesn’t want another lecture... one she has heard before. So, I just reply with sympathy and continue to listen.
A few moments pass and the topic is still on my heart. How can I help her process this? What can I say that will resonate with her heart. I want her to understand that I too was a young girl, eager to fit in. I wanted to be beautiful and for boys to think I was “hot”. This youthful stage of life is filled with curiosity and fueled by hormones. Heck, I’m almost 40 years old and I still very much understand hormones. I have a smoking hot sex life with my husband. Is that too much information? Well, probably not in today’s society where nothing is off limits. I share this very personal tidbit because it’s important for people to understand that you can be a Christian woman who values modesty and still have a very passionate love affair with your husband. It’s important that as a mother I help my daughter understand this part of her, this desire she has, is not bad. Sex is a gift God gave us. It is a way to connect to your husband in a way that you can’t connect with any other human being. It is pleasurable. It is beautiful. It is sacred. So I do my best to broach the subject and pour my heart out to this beautiful young woman who God has entrusted me with.
“Hannah. You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful young woman. You have the right to do whatever you want with your life and your body. It’s yours and you are fully in control of the choices you make”. I pause and look for her reaction. She is listening intently. I can see that she likes the direction this conversation is going. There is a bit of confidence and willfulness in her eyes. This statement has empowered her as it should. I continue, “With that right also comes a responsibility.“ She briefly looks down and blinks. We are at a crossroad. I silently ask God to take over my words and to open her heart.
The words start to flow from me and I know that they are a mixture of love and raw honesty. You see her body is hers and she can make any choice she wants, but every choice she makes will come with consequences. Those consequences can range from physical to emotional, most likely a mixture of both. In a world set on telling my daughter that she can do whatever she wants with her body through sexualized songs, TV shows, and social media celebrities pushing a constant message of empowerment through exploitation, I must sit here and tell her it’s all garbage. All of it.
You see in a world who profits from making her feel like her value is in her physical body stripped down and on display for approval I have to remind her that her value is found in God. I have to be the one who explains to her that she can go on keto, do crunches until her stomach cramps, and sacrifice all of her time and energy to achieve a rocking hot body to gain the approval of this world, but she will never find true fulfillment and will actually be left empty if she needs men to want her and other women to envy her body.
I stop and tell her about my love story with her dad. I tell her that when her dad and I first met he thought I was beautiful and I’m certain his hormones kicked it, (gross mom), but the way he looked at me was one of genuine love. He wanted to hear my thoughts and know the goals I had for my life. He wanted to build a relationship with me that had nothing to do with sex. When I was with him I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. We built a strong foundation for the love affair that would come. I want her to understand, without a doubt, that the best decision I ever made was to have one lover, her father.
I go on to explain that I know my opinion, in an ocean of opinions that directly contradict it, is most certainly the unpopular one. I encourage her to feed her body healthy foods and to care for her physical body along with her spiritual health. I remind her that no matter what she chooses I will love her always. I end the conversation by making sure she understands with any right or wrong choice one will most certainly face the consequences both good and bad. I make sure she understands that the young boy she will marry, out there in this world right now, has an equal responsibility to make good choices and I hope his parents are teaching him the things I am trying to instill in her.
I pray that she finds value in herself outside of the things this world values. I hope if I teach her nothing else I teach her to stand up for what is right even when this world makes fun of her for it. Because at the end of the day she has to live with the consequences of her choices. No one else.
I love Proverbs 31:25 as cliche as it may be. I pray for my daughters future daily and I know that she is a child of God. No matter what she faces my heart is calmed by this knowledge.
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