Saturday, November 23, 2013

The Magic of Christmas


I look up, over my vegetable beef soup,  and see her smiling at me as she tells me another story.  She lets out a laugh and I laugh too.  I love to listen to her laughter.  It is a noise that has brought me pure joy since the first slobbery smile and coo she was able to let out.  I go on eating my soup and talking with her and her dad when she says, “Mom do you believe in Santa?”  I pause and think a moment.  Obviously she is asking me this because she has some doubts.  I reply, “I believe in the magic of Christmas.”  Yes I know this is a copout, but I guess I just cant come out and say that Santa isn’t real.  I’m not really sure why I cant exactly.  Santa Clause isn’t that big of a deal, right? 

I look away into the soft light of the Christmas tree and think back to the day James and I met.  I see him smiling at me as I walk down the isle to become his wife. I see him nervously standing outside the bathroom door as I pee on the 6th pregnancy test; all laying on the counter with a faint pink line, I see his face full of love and amazement as he holds our tiny bundle of love in his huge hands gently stroking her tiny cheek and speaking words of love so softly to her.  I recall him struggling to stand up the gigantic Christmas tree I insisted on having Hannah’s first Christmas.  After we got it wedged under our ceiling I placed her under it and took a picture with her huge smile; all gums with two brand new teeth jutting up proudly from the bottom of her tiny slobber covered mouth.  The memories of the past nine Christmas eves flood my mind.  Staying up late with James as we waited for a very excited little girl to finally pass out, then jumping into action with laughter and excitement as we predicted how excited she would be for the gifts to be found under the tree.  I feel the bounce of a messy haired, rosy-cheeked little girl, as she excitedly wakes up to see what Santa has left her.

I hear my name and am brought back to the conversation. She has moved on to James and posed her question of belief to him.  He responds a plain “Yes” not yet wanting to let Santa go either.  But what I have realized as I watch him try to answer her is that it is not Santa that is the big deal…it is the fact that this life, the unbelievably wonderful life we stumbled upon 15 years ago, is speeding by so very fast.  Both of us want to hold on to this amazing life, just as it is, for as long as we can.  However, we both realistically know that it can’t.  We can’t stop time.  So, I clear my throat and I ask her straight on, “Hannah, what do you believe?”  She smiles a sad smile and whispers back, “Mom I believe in the magic of Christmas, but I don’t believe in the old man that drives a sleigh.”  I take a deep breath and I tell her, “The magic of Christmas is something that Mommies and Daddies create for their babies.  Daddy and I created this for you too.  We loved how much joy it brought you.”  She smiles and says, “I know it makes you happy and it makes me happy too, so you can keep moving Charlie (her elf) and leaving my gifts under the tree.”  I look at her and love her even more than I thought was possible as I realize she wants to keep these things that make her happy, but she also wants me to keep these traditions that she knows make me so happy too. 

I thankfully realize that I need Christmas tree hooks and excuse myself to Fred’s.  I put on my coat and push the front door open.  I feel the cold air hit my face and the hot tears begin to stream down my cheeks.  Why does it all have to go by so fast?  I vividly recall her being a baby so helpless.  Sometimes the weight of the job of being a mother during the infant/toddler years weighed heavy and I often thought I would never have another moment to myself.  I would feed, burp, change diapers, call in to work yet again with another ear infection, walk and bounce her endlessly through the night as she screamed with an upset tummy.  In those moments I would mother her and simultaneously wish for a time when it would be easier.  Now as time begins to speed by and she pulls away from me more and more I find myself wishing for the moments when I was feeding my hungry little baby, skin to skin, just me and her in silence in the middle of the night.  I can feel her chubby little hand reach up and grab my lips; her big blue eyes looking into mine, never stopping greedily suckling.  She was so close to me, so content with just me as her eyes grew heavy and her sucking grew weak.  I would watch her drift off and very carefully put her to bed praying for enough sleep to function the next day at work.  Snarling at the irony that breastfeeding made me sleepy too.  If only I knew how fast it would all go, would I have been less hurried to rock her to sleep?  Would I have not silently wished for more rest?  Would I have slowed down when I dropped her off a day care in a rush to get to work on time?  Tonight I am going to say I would have definitely slowed down a little bit.  

I try now to slow down too.  I try to capture all the moments I can on camera, and share them on Facebook too.  I try to hold on to the magic of each Christmas for I know that even the Christmases we celebrate under one roof will end too soon, as she continues to grow so fast, and will soon start a life away from me and our home.  My heart aches a little at this thought, but it also swells with pride at the beautiful young woman she is becoming.  So I guess I will continue to treasure memories and look forward to all that is to come as I watch her grow into all the plans God has for her. I know without a doubt they are plans for her to prosper.  Jeremiah 29:11


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