A Realistic Love Affair

The dramatic music finds its climax as the two main characters embrace in a passionate kiss.  The heroin pulls away and very eloquently expresses his undying love for the beautiful woman he holds in his arms.  As the rain pours down around their faces you can’t tell which are raindrops and which are tears!  I feel a lump in my throat and my eyes start to sting.  I peel my teary eyes away from the TV and look at my soul mate.  He is sitting in his recliner studying his iPhone while playing words with friends with a dip in his mouth. I guess he feels me looking at him because he looks up and immediately registers that I am crying.  He look at the TV, rolls his eyes, lets out a sigh and says, “We should watch something realistic…like a superhero movie” and laughs at his hilarious joke. I shake my head, motion at the TV, and remind him how much he really does suck at romance.  It annoys me that he cannot remember to say sweet things, write sweet notes, hand pick some flowers, pine away after me all day while he pours his heart into deep poetry written in calligraphy. I mean am I asking too much?

I’m getting ready for bed.  I hear James click the front door locked and turn out all the lights.  I climb into bed and feel the warmth from my heated mattress pad.  Hmmm… I don’t remember turning that on. The thought is fleeting.  I notice the glow from the heater in the bathroom and I really don’t even give thought to it already being on either.  James turns the lights out in the bathroom. “Sorry honey,” I say over the book I am reading, “forgot to turn those lights off”.  He replies, “No problem” and smiles sweetly when I jokingly point out that I never remember to turn them off.  I wake up in the morning to his voice, “Honey are you up?  It’s time to get up.”  He now wakes me up in the mornings since I am not a morning person and was constantly running late.  I feel a kiss on my forehead.  As I am getting ready to get in the shower I hear him taking the dogs outside and I am so thankful.  I tremble at the thought of the cold morning air.  As I shower I become aware of all the things James does for me out of love.  So many little things…that I just take them for granted.  But they are wonderful things that I rely on and should appreciate more.  All of these little things he does for me are wonderful, but there is that really big thing I tend to forget…that thing that they really don’t write romance novels about.  The “constant”  amongst the chaos of what it mean to be Jodie. As you are all aware I struggle with anxiety, and I can tell you that God gave my husband a unique ability to calm me…like no other can.

I knock on the door of my grandmother’s back bedroom door, it opens slowly, and I know whatever is behind it is not good.  As the door partially opens I see him.  My heart drops and my body tenses in overwhelming fear.  It is my abuser.  I can see his bare chest, as he stands before me in only his jeans. His greasy hair slicked back on his head.  I feel sick and I want to run but I can’t. I’m frozen.  Just as I am contemplating my escape the door swings completely open.  There is someone behind him.  I see her.  It is Hannah! I can’t breathe.  Dread rushed over my entire body and I feel like I may vomit.  I open my mouth to scream but only a whisper comes out.  I am trembling with fear and anger.  She is crying.  Oh God. No! No!  No! Please God no!  Please, not my baby.!  I beg God not even knowing what I am begging for.  To take this away? To undo this circumstance? To be able to make my feet move, like my brain is telling them, in order to grab my baby and run.  My mind is racing and I feel tears as I try to scream again. I still haven’t take a breath.  I’m suffocating. 

 I sit straight up in the pitch black dark awakened by my own screams.  My heart is beating out of my chest, I’m sweating,  and I feel hot tears running down my face.  I’m so confused and scared. I have to get Hannah!  Where am I?  Oh God, where is Hannah?  I hear a voice, “Baby.  Baby.  Are you ok?”  It’s James.  It’s ok. You are home.  You are safe.  Hannah!  Is she ok?  “Oh God James.   Nightmare,” I say and he knows exactly what I mean.  I put my face in the crook of his neck and sob for a minute.  “He had her.  Oh God he had her.  He had Hannah. It was the worst nightmare I have ever had.” my cries muffled by his shoulder.  He replies in a soothing voice, “It was a dream baby.  A bad dream. Hannah is fine. She is sleeping in her room.  You want me to get her?”  He pauses.  I nod my head yes.  I hear his footsteps return as he places her little warm body beside me.  She mumbles and I whisper, “Hey baby girl, wanna sleep with moma?” as the tears start to fall down my cheeks relieved as I see the silhouette of her round cheeks in the darkness of our bedroom.  “Yea.” She mumbles back in her sleep/wake state.  James lays back down beside us.  I feel her breath on my check and I reach across her and place my hand on his chest.  His heartbeat continues to bring me back to this safe reality.  He puts his hand over mine and says, “You feel better?”  I whisper a yes in response and thank him for getting her.  He reminds me that I am safe and how much he loves me.  I drift back off to sleep as my heart continues to slows down even more.  

I am reminded again of the great gift God gave me in this marriage…in this love…from a man who wants nothing more than my happiness and well-being.  The next time I watch a sappy love story with the perfect circumstances and rehearsed lines I remember what love really is.  Love is not a perfect moment that conjures a temporary emotion.  Love is an ongoing set of very imperfect circumstances where two people choose to see past all the ugliness of this world and imperfections within each other in order to offer a safe place to live life without fear or insecurity.  

As we celebrate this day of love I am reminded that not all love stories are wrapped up in a beautiful heart shaped box, but sometimes those are the couples that are in the deepest kind of love.  The unconditional, unbreakable, forever kind of love.

Happy Valentine’s Day…

Psalm 85 (English Standard Version)

  ¹⁰ Steadfast love and faithfulness meet;
    righteousness and peace kiss each other.