Are you a lover or a figher?

 ^“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails….” I hear my future father-in-law read these words in his strong country accent; as I am looking at my groom.  James is in a suit (a very rare occurrence) and he is sweating profusely.  If I hadn’t known better I would have thought it was nerves. It had been an emotional day, my wedding, my mother had gotten angry with me and my sister, walked out of the house, and slammed the door shut so hard it had jammed and my dad had to get us out by removing the door knob. I was full of nerves, but very certain of one thing…James and his love were both different than anything I had ever experienced.  It wasn’t that cheesy romantic burning hot love (although there was plenty of that in those newlywed years). LOL!  No, this was a constant.  This was a peaceful, safe, and happy place for me to be amongst all the chaos.  I just felt so at ease when I was in his presence.  He had, and still has, such a calming effect on me.    

 

Me and My love

I find that people who grew up in homes where they were loved appropriately and never had to question if they were loved take it for granted.  I wake up most mornings and it is the first thing I think of.  I stop and thank God for another day that I get to love and be loved by Hannah and James.  It seems unreal to me at times that I actually live the life I live.  James wakes up and now that he is home he wakes me up too.  He showers as I get all the way awake.  I finally get up and walk across my house with two little yorkies on my heels as we make our way to Hannah’s room. As soon as the door is cracked open enough they dash through the door and clear about 5 feet as the land smack dab in the middle of bed on top of her.  She protest, “Get off of me! Ughh.”  I giggle, clear my throat, and then in a serious tone assert, “Time to get up Hannah”.  She is a lot like her mom and does not like mornings.  There is no room for pleasantries.  I walk back into my kitchen and start my coffee.  Sometimes I just walk around the corner and look out over my back deck and once again I thank God for this day of peace, calmness, routine, and most of all love.  

For many years during the early part of our marriage I waited for and constantly worried about when the other shoe would drop and James would get mad of me, sick of me, and ready to tell me how stupid I was, what a joke I was and how he never wanted to talk to me again.  I knew that “love” was something someone could offer up, but quickly recant when you did not please them according to what they expected of you.  I knew that kindness and gifts were handed out of one hand while slaps across the face came from the other (and even worse words that would cut you to the bone from the mouth).  That is something God warns us about. Something that we should stop and be sure to think about every time we think we want to open our mouth and say anything. Is what we are saying for the intention of harming another person or loving them and lifting them up? (Eph 4:29) he goes on to include the fact that your words should give grace to those who hear.  Grace being that your words which God makes available his favor on behalf of sinners, who actually do not deserve it.  By your words being encouraging and uplifting in his name you are able to witness to others and make an avenue to salvation available to those who need it.  That is big.  It is huge.

I lay beside James in our bed, we haven’t been married very long, and I ask him, “How do you know God is real? Why do you believe in him?”  He responds with one word, “Faith.”  I lay there knowing what faith is from my grandmother.  But, I still doubted...  I remember all the horrible things that happened in my life and all of the awful things I had been called.  I recalled the constantly uncertain love that had been given to me and I did not believe it existed.  I doubted that real love existed and therefor I doubted that God and his grace existed.  My heart was damaged and I was unsure if it healing was even an option.  But, I laid there and held onto James and I prayed that he had enough love and enough grace for both of us.  

James and I started attending Cannon Baptist Church.  The preacher at this church was young and he was very much a teacher.  He extended love and lots (and lots) of patience to me as I struggled to understand what he was trying to teach me.  God led us here because he knew exactly how my mind worked and the state of my heart.  He knew that this would be an environment where I could ask questions openly and not be ashamed for my lack of knowledge at the age of 26, especially for someone who had “grown up in church”.  At this point I was unaware of how little I knew and as I started to learn little by little, something wonderful happened.  I wanted to learn more.  All the growth I felt I had undergone since meeting James almost 10 years before was barely a scratch on the surface for what God had planned for me.  I read and read and read my bible and a book recommended for me by Brother Bobby.  That book is called, “Meet the Bible”, by Yancey http://www.amazon.com/Meet-Bible-Panorama-Reflections-ebook/dp/B000SI5JLE/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1358988929&sr=1-2&keywords=yancey+bible

As the bible stories I had been told of as a child started to connect in my mind my heart began to soften even more.  For the first time through James love, the support of my church family, and the guidance of mom and dad (Howell) my heart began to transform.  It would be a long journey as I continued to grow in God, but I had hope and that was huge for a scared young girl who had turned into an angry young lady doubting love from anyone, including God.

 

Brother Bobby  

 

My journey to forgiveness and healing very much hinged on love.  Every time something would happen in my life from the point I heard the verses above I would recall what love really was.  I would analyze the current fight or tension and I would ask myself, do you love this person and more recently I have started asking myself does this person love you? I have been in prayer lately about this and this morning God really spoke to me as I studied his word.  He let me know what I needed to assess in my relationships with others to decide if they indeed were loving from me to the other person and from the other person to me.  When you are troubled over a relationship in your life ask yourself

1.      Is the person patient with you and are you patient with them?

There are a million things that James and I do that get on each other’s last nerve, but there are a million and one things that we adore about each other.  The fact that we see so much good in one another outweighs the impatience we are tempted to have with one another.

2.      If the person kind to you?  Do you find it easy to be kind to them?

Nothing breaks my heart more than to think of Hannah suffering because of me.  There are times when I may say something critical of her and I see the pain I accidentally caused.  This crushes me and I want nothing more than to erase the pain I have caused her.  If you don’t feel this way about a person or someone continuously seems unfazed by their hateful actions towards you…you are not experiencing kindness and love.

3.      Is this person envious of you?  Are they constantly boastful, pointing out what they have that you don’t?  Is this person proud of THEMSELVES and what THEY do?  Do they ever acknowledge your accomplishments? Do you see your qualities in yourself within certain relationships you hold?

I have a best friend, Tiffany, who I love dearly.  Due to my very low self esteem I can be quite the overachiever.  This does tend to put people around me “off”.  It took me a little while to realize this quality in myself.  You see I am so afraid of people seeing me how I see myself that I constantly try to project “perfection”.  But Tiffany always saw through this.  She was never intimidated by me or my constant need to accomplish anything and everything.  She was actually quite the opposite…she was always the person quietly telling me that I was enough.  The love she has for me allows her to see my real heart and my real internal struggle. She is a constant source of love in this respect.  I am thankful God saw that need in my life and sent Tiffany to help me through those struggles.

Me and Tiff at my Graduation

4.      Does the person dishonor you? Do they do so in a self-seeking manner?

I was recently made aware that I had been talked badly about.  The person that told me about this was pretty upset and they were kind of impressed that I was not angry and did not feel the need to call out the offender. The insults (from what I understood) were made in order to make the person telling them appear to be the “better person” to people who heard the words spoken.  As I took this information in…I just prayed to God for the person who spoke badly of me.  There is obviously some hurt there.  But the good thing about being a child of God...you know who you are, and you know that God knows who you are.  You don't feel the need to attend every argument you are invited to.  Until then you seek peace through him.  You have peace knowing that all reconciling that will be needed will be handled by God.   

A person that loves you does not dishonor you; especially to make themselves appear to be “better” than you.  There should never be a doubt in your mind that the people who you claim as loved ones are only speaking kind words out of your presence… and your loved ones should have that same expectation of you.

5.      Is the person easily angered by you? Are you by them?

If you find yourself in a constant battle and fight with another person you are in an unhealthy relationship period.  You are in a relationship that is not filled with God’s love or his grace.  James 1 19-20 tells us, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”  We know that love extends God’s grace and now we realize that Anger does quite the opposite.  Disagreeing and working through things in love is healthy…being in a constant state of anger and animosity is not.

6.      Does the person keep a record of wrongs done by you? Do you keep a record yourself?

a.       As I spoke about in my blog post about acceptance http://jodiehowell.blogspot.com/2013/01/there-is-hole-inside-all-of-us.html

We all wrong one another at times.  We are hypercritical at times.  We say things we don’t mean out of frustration.  We are imperfect people, and we all depend on one another to see past our faults in order to extend love to one another.  However; if you are in a relationship where you are constantly ticking another mark on the “Scoreboard of Pain” and mentally cataloging each hurt so that they can be using against each other in a court of “well I remember when you said or did...” then you are not experiencing a relationship of  love. Evaluate it and decide if you need to move on.  What does not make you stronger emotionally and spiritually should not be continued; this is especially true for relationships with other people.  God wants us to experience his love through one another…he rejoices when we extend grace. 

^7.        Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

This just sums up 1-6.  Love is the presence of God in a relationship. Where God exist only truth can exist.  Where evil live and rejoices God cannot.  As a Christian person you should never put yourself in a situation where God (love) is not ever present.  It inhibits your spiritual walk…yes other people can limit your spiritual walk.  Know your spiritual maturity level. Know what you can handle and know when to let go. Sometimes we feel the need to “save” people and as Christians we feel a strong urge to guide others to God through love, but I recently read these words in the book “Unglued” and God spoke to me giving me answers to pleas I have made to him in prayer.  Though this book he allowed me to see that there are just “impossible people” and although “all things are possible through him…all things are not possible with people who refuse to be led by him.” There is a time when we reach our limits and God says, “Ok.  You have done enough and in order for you to sustain a healthy spiritual walk you must let this person go.”  It’s a big decision, but one that must be made. Again any situation that does not extend Gods grace through love is one of evil which does not. If you are experiencing this...my advice is to talk to your pastor or a spiritual leader who can guide you.

It [Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails….”

I can honestly tell you in the 13 years I have been blessed with my husband and his family we have had many disagreements and walked away sometimes feeling very unliked…but I cannot recall a time that I have not felt protected, trusting, hopeful, and certain that a happy, peacrful, calm future awaits me in the presence of such a beautiful Christian family.  There is nothing like it.  I without a doubt know that God gave me these people to learn how to love him through their testimony as a crazy messy imperfect, but LOVING family. I remain forever be grateful for them and LOVE them to best of my ability. For I know that is what God expects of me when I claim to love another person. 

The love of Family.