Would You Change it all if You Could?

The sun softly peeks through the clouds as it begins to rise over the beautiful blue ocean water.  I can already feel the wind starting to pick up more warmth from it as I make my way along the coast line.  My feet are lightly burying in the sand from my weight and I can feel the scratchy massage on my soles.  It feels good.  I take a deep breath and inhale the smell of salt and a hint of fishiness.  It is so breathtakingly beautiful and very peaceful.   James and I had decided this year we would take Hannah to the beach for a family vacation.  This was our first morning there and I was too excited to sleep past 5:30, so I got up and quietly threw on some clothes.  I wanted to take in as many of the beautiful sights and smells as possible before we had to return home in a short week.  I sat on the white sand and closed my eyes.  I said a prayer thanking God for the opportunity to be here with my sweet little family and I thank him for creating so much beauty.  I heard a loud bang and jumped.  I looked to my right and noticed the cabana boy pulling out the cushions and umbrellas for the beach chairs.  People were starting to walk down the boardwalks and claim their spot for the day.  I looked up toward our condo balcony and Hannah was standing there in her PJs with messy hair waving at me.  I am so excited that she gets to wake up and eat her breakfast ocean front.  Then, I instantly think when I was her age you could not have convinced me this life was real for little girls.  I would have been in shock had you told me that families went to the beach for a week and just spent time together…alone…enjoying and loving each other.  

First Family Beach Vacation 2009

 

Christmas time was approaching and our calendar started to fill up as it always does.  This is my first Christmas out of school since Hannah started kindergarten and all her after school activities.  I am very excited to squeeze as much holiday fun into this season as possible.  Melanie asks the troop how many people will be attending the Christmas parade, and I let her know that Hannah, James, and I will be there.  We arrive to the parade and find out way to the Girl Scout float.  Hannah quickly finds some girlfriends and starts having a ball.  I look around at all the people and the floats amazed that our town actually has this event.  I look over at Hannah, she and her friend with a blinking Rudolf nose are laughing and talking.  I feel so overcome with happiness that she gets to be a part of the festivities.  I see that she feels like she belongs here, and that makes me very emotional.  I have never really felt like I belonged anywhere.  Again I think to myself when I was her age you could not have convinced me this life was real for little girls.  Moms and Dads really get in their coats and come out in cold weather to parades; so they can watch their children celebrate and have a good time.  We are behind the church float that starts playing the Christmas Cannon and the music only flames my overly emotional state.  I fight back tears as I often do.  They are a mixture of happy tears for Hannah and sad tears for a little girl that missed out on so much.  It seems unfair to me, and again I bow my head...first thanking God for this time with my sweet little family and ask him to help me once again forgive those who I feel wronged me and robbed me of a childhood I deserved.  

Christmas Parade 2012 (First one I have ever attended in White Hall)

 

I am talking with my co-workers and the conversation finds its way to the topic.  You would be surprised at how many times in my life I have been speaking to people about the most random things, and there it is…the subject of abuse.  Maybe there has been a recently headline story and a child at the school their son or daughter attends has been abused and of course the story has made its way around the community.  “I just couldn’t imagine! I mean it’s just so sad you know…that child is scared for life!  I mean there is no undoing what has been done because of this.  I just don’t know what I would do! I decided a long time ago that I would no longer hide my abuse.  My mother had insisted on hiding it for years and made me feel as those I had done something wrong. Something I should be ashamed of.  Me speaking out about it, as a strong educated Christian woman,  puts the wrongfulness and shame where it needs to be.  With the abusers.  So I tell them I was abused when I was a little girl.  Of course this sparks an array of reactions.  Sympathy, Anger, Tears, and Curiosity.  Most people have lots of questions like, but the one that everyone asks me is “Would you go back and change your life if you could?”

You are probably familiar with a song by Garth Brooks called The Dance.  The song is really a love story about a man who loses his wife, and struggles with accepting the pain of her death deciding that he indeed would have went through that excruciatingly painful lose in order to have kept all the wonderful moments and memories they created in their life.  In my younger years before I met James and created the life we have together the answer was yes.  Some nights in the instant I wake up from a horrible nightmare in a cold sweat, before I make James go get Hannah, and put her beside me in bed so I can convince myself she is ok…the answer is yes.  But my life now is so abundantly blessed.  The everyday ordinary  life of being a wife, mother, family member, friend, co-worker, and all the other things people see in me are overwhelmingly beautiful and awe-inspiring.  If changing even one of the dark scary moments of my childhood would remove any part of the life I currently live then the answer is no.  

The Dance- Only Garth Version I could find :)

Another thing I think about is my testimony.  Like I have written before, it is my strong belief that God allowed what happened to me to happen so that I could go on to better serve him.  I think I am a more humble and grateful person everyday because of the point of comparison I hold on life.  I CHOOSE to overcome the negative feelings that Satan wants me to have in order to fully serve my God.  Do I question God why this happened? Sure, but not as much as I used to.  I think the closer I draw to him the more at peace I am…the more I am able to focus on the blessings in front of me.  He reminds me daily the more power I give Satan through negativity and anger the less room there is in my heart to love and focus of James, Hannah, and my walk with him.

 

Romans 1:21 (ESV) ²¹ For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

 Every time I bow my head and thank him for something as simple as seeing my husband hug my daughter I realize the gift he gave me... the ability to be humble and thankful to him in the most mundane situations...when so many are not. Turns out those ordinary commonplace things are the awe-inspiring life confirming things.  They are the things we should be bowing our head over....giving him honor and thanks; which gives ours thoughts purpose and allows his light to be in our hearts reflecting out to others.  When they wonder how despite unthinkable circumstances you remain so peacful and happy...you can tell them. God.