She wants to be Just Like Me. I Better Make it Good!

My stomach hurts because I didn’t eat.  You know you should have eaten. There was no way you were getting any food in today. It’s been an emotional day.  Whew…I can’t believe I am sitting her with all these young kids.  Man I wish I could have done this right out of High School. Well you made it through nursing school despite the odds…don’t get down on yourself! Not tonight.  Not the night when you finally do it…you finally graduate from college! 

School was not always easy for me.  As you all know I am not social and was a bit of an outcast in school. But school itself was super simple.  I read very well and love to write.  I always struggled in math but easily maintained high Bs in there as well.  I guess when life is not so great it is even easier to lose yourself in books.  When I was a little girl it meant something to me to have a college degree.  People who had been to college were somebody.  The college graduates I knew came from families who had graduated college before them and it was an expected part of life.  My parents were always very proud of my grades.  It was a place in my life I felt comfortable. I felt on an “equal playing ground (and sometimes even better than my peers) in this arena of life.  So I was always sure of one thing, when I graduate high school I will go to college. 

I met James my September of my senior year.  I explained to him that he didn’t need to date me because I was moving far away from here and going to college away from all of “this”.  All of the family that I felt didn’t care, all of the drama that surrounded my family and my parent’s friends. I wanted to forget who I was, move away, and start a new life.  I remember he told me he would wait for me to graduate college before we go serious. (Ha! We all know that God had other plans…Thank you God).  James and I got engaged and we married that October.  I started to SEARK for summer classes and then JSN the following fall.  Nursing school was hard.  It was harder trying to go to school and care for my mother who was dying of cancer.  She entered Hospice during my critical care rotation and passed away during my leadership course.  I wanted to quit so bad.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted.  But Sue Tedford wouldn’t allow it.  Just another angel God placed in my path.  She told me, “Jodie.  Don’t give up.  Not now.  I know you can do this.  We can do this.  You are almost there.”  I hung in there and walked across that stage. I had received my diploma to become an RN at the age of 20. 

James and I were so excited. I remember living in our tiny apartment.  We looked up the results on the web page using dial up internet…the kind that squealed really loud when you logged on and it made you phone line busy. LOL It popped up “PASSED”.  I almost fainted. James had worked 2 and 3 jobs to put me through nursing school.  I wanted so badly to give him something back.  I tell him he is an honorary nurse.  They should have put his name on my license with mine.  There are many instances I would have given up had he not been there to encourage me and push me on when all my strength was gone.  

We moved on with life and of course had Hannah.  We faced many obstacles and setbacks, but we always kept our eyes on the prize.  We were on a mission making to better ourselves and Hannah’s live.  Making stupid decisions that were setbacks.  Gotta love those life lessons that can only be learned through experience…you know right AFTER you need them. But we did it.  It was always in the back of my mind that I wanted to get my college degree.  I knew that I was smart and deserved the chance to show it.  I deserved the chance to prove it to myself. 

So as God would have it he brought me to the moment when that decision would be made.  I took a new job in Informatics and was hired into my current position.  It was time.  It was time to get my college degree.  It had been many years since the dream was there, so I started slow back at SEARK.  I took classes that were needed to start the RN-BSN program at UALR.  The classes were more of any annoyance at first.  I was a wife and mom…so this took second place on my priority list.  I completed my first semester…all As.  Wow. It felt good.  It felt good to learn new things and remember old things.  I walked into Hannah’s room one night and sat on the end of her bed as she slept.  I watched her breath in and out.  I thought of all the things I wanted for her so badly in this world.  I saw her graduating for high school, the two of us going shopping for dorm furniture, and dropping her off at college.  I saw myself crying like a big ole baby and poor James having to deal with all of it. I saw her graduating college and having a career that she loves…one that fulfilled her.  I saw her getting married…all the things that would make her life rich and bring her happiness.  After all her happiness is such a big part of my happiness. 

I know Hannah may choose a different path, and that will be okay too, but I wanted to have done all I could to build a sturdy runway for her to take flight from.  For me having my own college degree was a huge part of this.  I wanted to show her that dreams are simply goals in our minds that are achievable.  I wanted her to know that she is capable of anything.  I want her to see that if her mom could overcome so much to reach her own goals… Hannah could conquer this world! I’m sure she will in her own way and I can’t wait to see it.

I started at UALR very nervous.  I had to go to campus to get signed up officially and take care of some business.  I looked around me and saw all these really cool kids walking around in faded jeans, hoodies, toms, backpacks, and smartphones.  Many of them walking in groups laughing and chatting…the whole world at their feet.  Just look down and get to this building.  Where the heck is this building? The lady said walk toward the library…just walk.  Oh my you don’t belong here. You are a 30 year old mother.  You look ridiculous.  All you have to do is get this paperwork done and the rest is online…just walk.  Once day Hannah will be here.  You will be here with her.  Helping her get settled in her dorm.  That will be so much fun.  You will belong here then.  You can tell her all about college schedules and hours needed.  You will know because you did this yourself.  Just walk.

Just walk…the announcer calls my name. “Jodie Howell”.  Just don’t fall Jodie. Get the dang degree and sit back down.  I walk across the stage to applause.  I already have Hannah picked out in the crowd.  Her dad got her a front row seat.  I look up and see her excited little face.  She is clapping like a maniac and yelling my name.  I hold the degree up in the air high in her direction; I grab my heart, and blow her a kiss. The tears take over and my eyes are blurry but I don’t care! I look right in front of me and there he is…there he always is…my love. He has the camera. He looks so proud.  I love this man so much.  I blow him a kiss.  We did it! We really did it James.  All those nights of studying and missing out on everything with Hannah have paid off.  All those years of making the right decisions and always having a “game plan”…we are here.  Wow.  Just keep walking.  I get back to my seat and the young college girl beside me says, “Are you okay?” and I tell her yes.  I assure that this has been a long awaited moment and then I point out my beautiful little blue eyed daughter to her.  I say, “That little girl is very glad to have her mom back.”  I think to myself that I have a lot of time to make up with her that have been missed the past couple of years, but of all the sacrifice…what was gained tonight is priceless.   

I’m finally done with the ceremony and greeted by my beautiful family. As I round the corner and see them my heart sinks and the tears start up again.  I say a quick silent prayer for these people he has put in my life…knowing that each of them love me so much and have in some way encouraged me and helped me get her too.  I thank him for every step that I have walked in this life, and I just keep walking right into their loving arms.