Quit Being a Big Ole Titty Baby

The bell rang and I grabbed my bag to hurry across campus.  I pushed the doors open to the building and the sun hits my eyes as I focus on my destination for the next class period.  The sun feels good on my face.  It had been a gloomy morning with a light mist. Not a downpour…just enough to make walking across the Jr. High campus cumbersome and annoying.  I hoist my backpack higher on my shoulder and I see it.  No..no..no… get up! Oh God get up! One of my friends, who also has weight issues, had slipped and fallen while trying to climb up the slippery slope toward the middle of campus.  I take in the people around her.  Some are jabbing their closest friend with a big smile, pointing and laughing.  Others are walking past her as if she didn’t fall.  I can’t see her face, but I can tell she is hastily trying to get back up when her fee get tangled and she is on the damp ground again.  GET UP! Oh my goodness.  “Jodie go help her”, I instantly tell myself…but something grabs me…fear.  Don’t bring attention to yourself. They will laugh at you too.  “What?!  Go help your friend!” I scold myself as my feet take off with clear directions from my heart.

I know what it feels like to try to be invisible, quite the oxymoron for an overweight girl in Junior High.  Invisible is not an option.  As I contemplated my desire to be invisible I silently insult myself.  Your too fat to be invisible…heck you are all anyone can see! It seemed that I had been picked on and made fun of so much I could insult myself very easily.  It was seeing anything positive in me that was so hard.  That was something that would remain hard for a very long time.

I get to my friend and she is sitting on the ground.  Her face is red, tears streak her face, and she is looking at her knee that is smeared with a grass stain and a thin layer of mud.  She looks up at me and I see her pain,  her anger, her frustration, and mostly her sadness.  She just looks defeated! As a mother I look back and see a baby.  I see a little girl who could not understand the anger and hatred showed to her on a daily basis.  I didn’t understand it either.  I thought to myself a million times…if people just got to know me they would like hanging out with me.  I am smart and funny. I am kind and I’m a good friend.  But, at this point I clearly didn’t see the bigger picture or have the emotional maturity to understand these children treated me and my peers this way because of their insecurities.  It had very little to nothing to do with me or my weight problem.  I was simply a diversion in a point in our lives where they too felt very scared and insecure.  If they were laughing at us, then people were focused on something other than them.

I help my friend get up, we get to the office, and tell them she fell.  The tardy bell has rang so Ms. Garner writes me a tardy excuse and thanks me for helping her.  I instantly feel ashamed that I had considered walking past her.  My friend called her mom that day and went home.  The thing that sticks out to me as a parent is that we never told any of the adults in the office that day what had happened.  Why? Because we didn’t want any more attention? Because we knew “who those kids were and who their parents were?” There are many reasons, and the thing that bothers me even more is that I know without a doubt that this is happening this very day.  As I have grown and maturated emotionally and spiritually…one thing I have figured out is that anger most always comes from hurt.  It is easier to be angry and mean than it is to be sad and vulnerable.

Junior high is agreeably to height of vulnerability for all people; therefore it makes sense it is the height of anger and hatred.  It is probably one of the most difficult times most of us endure.  But as adults we are not immune to other people’s insecurities.  One of my Facebook friends, Jonna Butler,  posted something that really touched my heart and spoke so much truth, “Remember that nothing hurts more than to see a gleam of happiness in your eyes when they share with you their sorrow or a gleam of sorrow in your eyes when they share with you their happiness....”  I have been a witness to and guilty of less than loving and supportive actions as a direct result of insecurities.  I lost close to 170 pounds 7 years ago, and during that time I can tell you that all my “girlfriends” were ecstatic for me until I got smaller than them.  After that I was “too skinny”, “skin and bones”, and needed to stop losing weight! Some did not support my decision to have weight loss surgery to start with and made a very emotional and difficult decision enven harder.  Their comments were hurtful and made me doubt my new path to healthy living.  Looking back it was the best decision I have ever made, and had I let those peoples doubts and insults impact me…I would have not been as successful as I have been with maintaining a healthy life for all these years.  I would have allowed someone else’s insecurities to take away from my accomplishments.  Which sadly, whether they were aware or not, was just what they wanted.

I would like to say that I have never lashed out because of my insecurities, oh but that would be a lie.  I get in the same rut everyone does.  I look around me at everyone else’s life and I see things they have accomplished and acquired and I want those things too.  My best friend is a “runner”…like she runs for sport. After college graduate a year ago  I wanted so bad to get back in shape and loose the 15 pounds I had gained from hours in front of the computer and snacking later at night while I did my work.  She was more than willing to get me started, and I did so with zeal.  I completed my running app training.  The little lady in the British accent came over my headset, “You did it! You ran for 30 minutes straight. You can now call yourself a runner!”  I was very excited.  I mean who doesn’t love to be good at something (and scared to death to fail at anything).  I completed my first 5K (it took me longer than I really wanted it to) but I finished.  No worries I would do better next time.  I was sore…very sore after my 5K. But that was expected and I could walk it off. Then that dreadful morning came.  I climbed out of bed,  my foot hit the ground, and I literally though I had stepped on a knife.  The pain shot up my foot and straight to the part of my brain that says, “YOU ARE DYING”.  I sat back down.  I didn’t want to admit I pushed myself too far too fast. My friend ran, and I should be able to as well.  So I continued to walk and tried to jog though the pain. 

My first and ONLY 5K :)

 I finally gave in and realized that running was not going to be my sport.  Suddenly I didn’t care to hear my friend “gloat” over how far she ran and when her next race was.  Those eCards about ‘only running if something is chasing you’ were very funny to me.  I was feeling very much like a failure, very vulnerable, in my feelings of complete disappointment in myself.  The truth of the matter was that my friend was not gloating…my friend was proud of her accomplishments as she should have been.  After all I knew  the dedication and hard work it took to do what she was doing.  I had to stop and have a “get real” moment with myself (I have these often).  Jodie other people’s accomplishments do not take away from yours. Quit being a big ole titty baby! Get over yourself and be proud of your friend and all that she is doing for the positive in her life. And I am proud to say that I did. Most days I love to hear about her runs and look forward to getting her latest race times; encouraging her to reach for more.  I try to use her enthusiasm to encourage me in my cycling (which is what you do when your feet won’t let you run) J.  There are many things I struggle with when it comes to comparing my life to others.  She is such a good mom...She is so petite…She is so talented…She has so much money…the list goes on and on.  But the good thing about being a child of God is that he knew what my heart would struggle with.  He knew what my soul needed in order to battle these destructive feelings making me a better woman, mother, wife, and friend.

My "Bestie" finishing her Half Marathon

 

James Chapter 3 (NIV)

¹³ Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴ But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. ¹⁵ Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. ¹⁶ For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.  ¹⁷ But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

As I continue to struggle with my insecurities I pray to God to help me keep them in check.  It is hard some days.  We live in a society where we want everything everyone else has and we want it now.  We run our bodies into the ground as we try to stay skinny and tan, we run our credit card and debt up with the latest and greatest that all our friends possess, we run our souls empty because we lack the spiritual food our God wants us to take in.  All this leaves us worn down and empty.  We have nothing to fill ourselves up; and then we wonder why our children are treating each other so unkindly. We wonder why they feel so empty and insecure.  It is cycle that only we can stop through our Strength found through God’s word.  God tells me in Chapter 17 exactly what I need to try and be as a woman.  He tells me the wisdom I can possess if I keep my faith in him. He reminds me of my beauty and all that I have to offer this world.  I assure it is is NOT a runner.  

Psalm Chapter 139  (NIV)

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

If you pray and study his word he will reveal his plans for you as well.  You will focus whole-heatedly on him and his purpose for your life... all the other things you stress about being and doing will begin to fade away.  It's really good for your checking/savings account and your stress level! LOL