Clearing the Smoke and Shattering the Mirrors

I’m people watching, as I like to do, one day while we await a table for dinner.  I look onto a surprise encounter between 3 female acquaintances.  Pleasantries are exchanged, and then the “Battle of Polite Comparisons” ensues.  You see this is a part of “woman hood” I am not all that great at and really don’t understand.  The conversation goes something like this…Ohhhh you don’t say! Little Susie got honor roll! Wow that is fantastic!  Well my little Johny just got elected class president.  That is impressive! A promotion.? Wow! Congratulations.  You know I prefer to be an ole stay at home mom! Blah…someone has to raise the kiddos! HA HA HA!  Oh I would love to get a massage at that Spa I need one after those grueling workouts.  Oh this little thing…this was a gift from Roger for our anniversary.  I told him it was toooo much! High pitched laughs and over the top smiles….bring an end to this exhausting exchange. Two of the ladies sit down and await their tables.  The conversation gets REAL.  You know Roger got her that ring because he was sleeping around with her friend…you know the blond with fake boobs.  Yes girl! Her! How embarrassing.  Johny is a little weirdo.  Susie said the kids voted for him as a joke and he doesn’t even know it! Yes look at her Facebook page. It is hilarious! Kids! She really thinks she is somebody.  You know who her mom was right?  Yea the one that went to prison for hot checks.  She is so pitiful!

I watch these two women both very plucked, tucked, wearing designer clothes, covered in make-up and costume jewelry buried in a cloud of perfume and I think to myself I wonder what battles you two are fighting.  I wonder what is going on in your lives that you need someone to talk to about, but you are too afraid to be judged.  I stop and feel very sorry for the woman who they were discussing, but at the same time I was pretty sure had the roles been reversed she would have been just as happy to talk about one of the two remaining women.  Despite their attempts to superficially cover up all their physical and spiritual flaws, these two ladies spirits oozed unhappiness and unrighteousness.  It made me examine myself.  It made me question why we are all putting on this big ole show.

I am sitting in class working very hard on my school work.  I take a break and briefly look up.  My teacher is looking at me with concern on her face. She looks…sad?  I look down and notice my shirt has gaped open and is sliding down the front of my chest.  I couldn’t find any clean clothes this morning so I found one of my mother’s smaller shirts and out it on.  This seemed like a reasonable solution to an elementary aged child.  I dropped my pencil, sat up, pulled my shirt up and felt the fabric slide low on my shoulder blades.  The cool air hit my upper back.  I felt a chill.  I looked back at her, cheeks red.  She smiled back at me.    This moment was one of the many I would experience as a child who people looked down upon, pitied, but didn’t quite know how to help.  I think this feeling is something that drives people to always be their “best”.  It is certainly the reason I have always felt the need to be perfect.  There is not a more embarrassing feeling than knowing your vulnerabilities, whatever they may be, have been exposed.

“James do I look ok in this? “ I ask hastily as I walk into our living room from the bedroom.” He barely looks from the TV.  “Yup.” He mumbles. “James Allen! Look at me.  Seriously! Does my butt look huge? Is my back fat showing? Dear God I hate my fat back…Honey! Can you see my rolls…are my rolls showing? That is all I need to know…” He looks at me confused, like he needs me to repeat the individual assessment questions individually.  “Baby you look beautiful.  Why are you freaking out?” he ask.  “Because these are the people you work with and I don’t want to embarrass you!” I moan back at him as if he should know this! “Oh, then we are good.  You don’t embarrass me. We have to go. We are going to be late, and that I hate.”  He responds playfully. I sigh.  This is no time to be funny. Why does he always want to be funny! Dang. I finish getting ready and try to cover up the red blotches on my neck. It won’t matter I will turn beet red at the first compliment I get tonight or the first time I start to talk and more than one person listens.   I don’t like what I call “forced social interaction” which is basically interaction with anyone outside my family or close friends.  The reason I don’t like this is because people see you, assess you, and then place judgment on you.  WOMEN ARE THE WORST.  We have to size each other up and make sure that we come out on top of the dog pile at the end of the night.  That one woman will be standing there hair extensions loosing hanging, false eye lashes torn and hanging over one eye, lip stick smudged, high heel broken, dress torn, standing on top of the other women laying down, chest heaving holding onto a big gold trophy that says, “You put on the best show! You are the best!”  

The thing that bothers me the most is this sense of competition and comparison goes deeper. It finds its way into friendships and families.  The need we all have to put on this big production for one another is tearing relationships apart, shoot it is tearing our nation apart. There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when I felt like I needed to compete with everyone.  I never wanted to be the little girl in her mom’s shirt again.  I wanted to be the skinniest, the smartest, the mommiest, :-) and most awesome woman of any women I knew.  I made some stupid financial decisions over this.  I look back now and really laugh at myself.  Luckily my husband is smart enough and honest enough to tell me when I am being a little ridiculous and I have the respect for him to listen.  That is another blog coming soon!  Anyway…as I started to read my bible I had a better understanding of what God expected me to be as a woman, mother, wife, and friend.  There was no place for jealousy which was leading me to be this person I don’t even recognize.  This person who was more focused on me than God.

I look around at people who are robbing themselves, their families, and our country as they spend money they don’t have in order to put on this show, not to mention robbing God.  You know if you can’t make your minimum credit card payments…tithing is not happening. Who are we trying to impress?  What are we trying to accomplish?  You don’t want people to talk badly about you? Well the funny thing is the more you try to impress others out of your insecurities the more insecure you make them feel.  This vicious cycle ends in everyone hating each other and no one reaching out loving and supporting one another the way God intended.  At the end of the day what you are doing is putting a big ole gossip target on your back! So stop, remember that you are a child of God who gave you specific instructions on who he wanted you to be.  You have no one to impress but him.  I assure you the best thing you will ever put on is a peaceful spirit that sets you apart from this world.

So what does God say I need to be?

1 Peter 3:3-6 ESV

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Proverbs 31:20 ESV

She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.

Isaiah 58:11 ESV  

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

1 Peter 3:15 ESV

 But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,

 THE ENTIRE PROVERBS 31! :))

These are a few of my favorite, but there are many many more…