I Give Her the Love of a Mother

I condition her hair and explain again the three types of soap she has to use when she bathes and why each one.

I help her with her homework and watch her passions develop; giving help in order to strengthen her weaknesses.

I listen to her tell me about her day paying attention for any sad moments that may need comforting and celebrating her victories with smiles and high fives.

I remind her to pick up her shoes, read her bible, and practice piano. 

I try to explain the unexplainable evils of this world while reminding her why we must always remain a light to others

I reward her for her good deeds and accomplishments and discipline her when she knowingly disobeys

I tell to her how beautiful and magnificent she is while reminding her of the importance of humility

I rub her sore legs at night while her bones grows to quickly for the rest of her to keep up

I hold her in my lap when she wants to be close but I try to give her distance when she wants to hang out with her friends. Watching her mature socially from the sidelines.

I teach her to load the dishwasher and fold towels reluctantly encouraging the independence I know she needs, but grieving my role of nurturer that grows less significant each year.

I see my precious little baby in those big blue eyes but also see a beautiful young woman blooming inside. 

I worry about her constantly.  I pray for her without ceasing.   
I offer to her all God gave me the day her presence in my womb was known.  I give her all the love one human can hold for another. 

I give her the love of a mother.

 

 

A Honey Bun and a Diet Coke

I’m sitting at my desk typing away on my latest assignment when I sit up, yawn, and look at the clock on my computer screen. It reads 3:00 PM.  3:00 PM! Oh my I have been sitting here for too long.  As I come to this realization I feel a light throb in my shoulders and upper back, my legs are tingling, and my wrist are sore.  I shake my wrist out and decide that I am hungry too.  I decide that I will eat a snack.  I look in my lunchbox and see the apple and protein bar I responsibly brought with me to work this morning.  Blah.  I really don’t want to eat you healthy food.  But what do I want though?  I guess I will get up and walk down to the canteen.  Halt! I know and you all know that THIS is a bad idea!  I quickly recall all the latest information I have read regarding the evils of vending machines and I know that there is nothing in that machine that is going to be remotely healthy for me to eat at this 3:00 pm lag time, but my boredom and slight hunger take on a mind of their own. So, I grab my wallet and down the stairs I go.  Please note that I did decide to take the stairs.  I just want credit given where it is due!

I arrive at the vending machines and the rational side of me reminds me that I can at least attempt to buy something that is half way worth putting in my body.  I scan the shelves of the delightful treats and there it sits.  The honey bun! It looks delicious and I want it.  I want it bad.

The bargaining process begins in my brain:

  It’s just one honey bun Jodie. Come on you DESERVE a treat.  You have had a stressful day and worked very hard.  You can’t deprive yourself of everything good.  The good die young they say!

No.  The obese die young.  You know this is a bad decision.  You should march right back up to your desk and eat your protein bar.  It will fill you up until dinner and it’s not just empty calories. 

Calories! Let’s think about what you have had to eat today… a protein shake, a yogurt, and a lean cuisine. I mean you should be named a saint of Healthy Eating.  That is quite an impressive list of food not to mention how many EXTRA calories you have left for today. Besides when you get home you can walk a couple miles…okay a mile.

True…I could do that.  And I have been “good” all day.  One honey bun is not the end of the world.  I mean it has been forever since you ate a honey bun.  Okay, but only this one time! Just for a special treat! I do deserve it after all…

Clink! Clink! Clink! I drop my change and my sugary bun o’ goodness falls.  I then go to the drink machine and purchase my diet coke.  I pick up the can and scan the label.  See…no calories.  If you had gotten a regular drink you would have taken in hundreds of extra calories.  You are so hard on yourself.  You make responsible decisions all the time.  You don’t ever give yourself credit for the good decisions…you just always want to beat yourself up! 

Well the fact of the matter is a bad decision is bad decision no matter how many you make, how you rationalize it, or how you try to justify it to yourself.  Like choosing the honey bun there are times when we make bad choices in our spiritual walk.  We know the right thing to do, but we choose the wrong things anyway.  Not only do we choose the wrong things often times we convince ourselves it was “okay” to make that choice.  We continuously do this…living in this “in between” state.  It is probably one of the worst places we can be in our relationship with God. You find yourself in this place where you claim to be his child and all the wonderful things that come alone with it, but your actions don’t reflect that declaration.  It is confusing.  It’s not confusing to God.  It is confusing to us!  God always does his part in the relationship.  When WE make bad choices and things go horribly wrong…It has everything to do with US and our decisions. But, WE often find ourselves asking “Why God?  Why ME?” 

One day you are “thankful for your blessings” and the next day you are drunk beyond rationalization (but you deserve a night out…you’re a busy mom and wife…you just need to “cut loose” one time...it's harmless).  One day you are asking for prayers and the next you are lying to your friend to avoid an engagement you don’t want to attend (you don’t want to hurt her feelings…it’s the right thing to do).  One day you are offering to pray for the family who will be split up from a divorce (and the next day you are gossiping about who all the wife has slept around with.  She shouldn't have done it if she didn't want people to talk about it).  And the list goes on and on.  You look inside your heart, and you know the right thing to do. You know you should eat that protein bar, but that honey bun taste SOOO good.  Its okay though…you don’t eat one every day and you are having that diet coke with it.

So what does God have to say about this?  What does he have to say about our constant “on the fence” state?  That dangerous spiritual place; where we feel closer to God than letting go of him all the way. That false comfort we feel with the justifications of our shortcomings…

Revelation 3: (ESV)

 ¹⁵ “‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! ¹⁶ So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. ¹⁷ For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. 

1 John 2:15-16 (ESV)

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. 

James 3:10-12 (ESV)

From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. 

 

I try to remember each day that I am going to do something(s) really stupid. But I try my hardest each day to transform myself into his image.  I remember the goal that is set for myself each day.  Which is to be someone that people see God in, so if they should have a question in their hearts that may draw them closer..they know they can ask me.  I redirect my desires from that of the world to God and his promises.  I know that as he fills me up I will no longer hunger for the worldly things I desire.

Being a Submissive Wife HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

My inner feminist walks up to the podium.  She is wearing a sharp black business suit, hair slicked back in a tight French twist.  She pushes her black rim glasses up and taps on the microphone.  Thump! Thump! Thump! The sound resonates and sets a very serious tone for her address.  “We have reviewed the writings of Ephesians and Peter in regards to the commands submissiveness.” She chokes the word out as if it taste bad, and continues on. “However due to the fact that it is 2013, and well… I have a brain in my head”, her lips curve up in a sarcastic grin, “I reject the notion that I should submit to ANY man! After a thorough review of the scripture I have decided that Peter and Paul have misinterpreted the role of a wife/woman. We will not be recognizing this…this…ridiculousness!” she asserts her voice rising to a hostile tone as she finishes the lecture in my head.  At first I am shaking my head, popping my neck, and snapping my fingers! Shoot you got that right sister! Aint no man gonna tell me what to do and I got better sense than to listen to one.  Uhm, 1920 called and they want their mindset back!  I sit back, with my legs uncrossed (take that), very proud of myself for my strong willed ways.  I have a daughter to raise.  I don’t want any man stepping all over her! Crazy to think that God would have me submit to a man.

Just as I have made up my mind on the situation I feel a small tug on my heart.  I hear God say…all my words are good and right, and I know that in my heart this is correct.  So I decide that I need to study up on exactly what God wants to me be as a wife and if in fact it says I should be submissive. Brace yourself feminist across the world who do believe God’s word is the truth and the way…

1 Peter 3:  (ESV)

3 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, ² when they see your respectful and pure conduct. ³ Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— ⁴ but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. ⁵ For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, ⁶ as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Ephesians 5: (ESV)

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Hmmm.  My inner feminist rolls her eyes and goes back to career planning and research on equality of women.  I take a moment to pray over this.  I feel very (very) resistant to this and then God says…read a little further and here is what I found…

1 Peter 3:  (ESV)

⁷ Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you^[a] of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Ephesians 5: (ESV)

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.^{[a] 28} In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

There is an awesome lady in the bible named Abigail.  Abigail married a fool named Nabal.  I would like to point out that the man’s name means “fool”.  You would think that may be a red flag for Abigail, but hey I have seen some girlfriends date and commit to some guys who should have had “fool” tattooed on their forehead.  

Click on the link for...

The Story of Abigail and her Fool Husband :)

Anyway, Abigail was able to remain submissive to Nabal at a time when she couldn’t remain obedient.  Her actions that were disobedient were carried out in order to spare this fool from getting killed by David.  She was able to save his life, but God later struck him dead and David took her as his wife. The reason I bring this up is because the word “submissive” conjures up the horrible mental picture of a frail woman whose eyes stay cast down to the grown as her overly obnoxious husband talks loudly about how awesome he is; only asking for his wife’s input when he wants her to confirm his belief about his awesomeness.  I see a weak person who is not given the option to think for herself.  She is not offered a chance for any meaningful input into her individual life or the married life she has with her husband.  I know for a fact that this is not what God intended!  Surely he did not make me this smart in order for me to sit around and never contribute! :-)

As I continue to ponder I read the scriptures over and over.  I start to see what God is telling me.  When I read submissive my heart whispers “humility”.  Humility is something hard to adjust to in your Christian walk.  All of us have a strong need to be treated with respect, and sometimes it feels like being humble means being less than others.  We automatically tense up and turn away from this method of thinking.  But pride and headstrongness means that you are focusing on yourself more than your walk with God.  Humbling yourself allows you to maintain that focus and live a life that displays God and his image through you.  As a Christian this should be one of your main focuses as you draw closer to God.  You want to know him better so you can introduce others to him.  Your role of submissiveness (humility) should be no different with your husband.  This is not a person you just walked up to on the street. 

So I tell myself and my inner feminist.  This is the man that you loved so much that I promised God you would love, honor, and obey.  If as a Christian you are vowing to humility in your service to God, then why do you find it so hard to extend this to your own husband.  Thankfully God did bless me with a husband who is a strong Christian man.  Most people that know James and me would laugh at the thought of me being submissive.  The fact of the matter is that I am very outgoing and outspoken in comparison to him.  Between Hannah and I he never gets a word in edgewise…but there is a more serious more private part of our marriage.  A part he has never taken advantage of and only uses to ensure my happiness.  There is a time when James speaks and I listen.  I listen and I respect his decision, even if I don’t completely understand it at the time.

It was Hannah’s first Christmas.  My family was planning on gathering and I knew they would be there, as they had most Christmas’ of my life.  Two of the men who abused me. I know this is shocking to everyone who hears it.  But, yes I was still expected to be a part of these men’s lives even after the abuse was reported.  No legal action was taken and I was basically told this “happens to all little girls” by my mother.  This year was the first time I had to consider not being at Christmas with my family.  I felt as though I didn’t want to stir trouble or create drama.  I actually considered just going to the Christmas gathering and holding on to my baby for dear life.  I was scared and confused.  It was horrible.  I remember clearly walking up to James and saying, “What should I do? Do I just tell them I will be sick.  They said he wasn’t going to do anything with everyone there (like I was ridiculous for even worrying about it in the first place)”.  He looked at me and said, “There is no question here.  My baby will not be there.  I love you so much and I want you to know that you don’t have to be there either.  You have every right not to go and to give the reason that you will no longer be associated with people who abused you.”  Something  just clicked in my mind and it was like I stepped outside myself and looked at this woman, so confused and so mistreated for so many years, that she was actually considering taking her child in the presence of the people who abused her.  Thankfully through the love and respect I had for my husband I submitted to his instruction and my eyes were opened.  My baby has never met any of my abusers and I have never spent another Christmas with them.  

Clearing the Smoke and Shattering the Mirrors

I’m people watching, as I like to do, one day while we await a table for dinner.  I look onto a surprise encounter between 3 female acquaintances.  Pleasantries are exchanged, and then the “Battle of Polite Comparisons” ensues.  You see this is a part of “woman hood” I am not all that great at and really don’t understand.  The conversation goes something like this…Ohhhh you don’t say! Little Susie got honor roll! Wow that is fantastic!  Well my little Johny just got elected class president.  That is impressive! A promotion.? Wow! Congratulations.  You know I prefer to be an ole stay at home mom! Blah…someone has to raise the kiddos! HA HA HA!  Oh I would love to get a massage at that Spa I need one after those grueling workouts.  Oh this little thing…this was a gift from Roger for our anniversary.  I told him it was toooo much! High pitched laughs and over the top smiles….bring an end to this exhausting exchange. Two of the ladies sit down and await their tables.  The conversation gets REAL.  You know Roger got her that ring because he was sleeping around with her friend…you know the blond with fake boobs.  Yes girl! Her! How embarrassing.  Johny is a little weirdo.  Susie said the kids voted for him as a joke and he doesn’t even know it! Yes look at her Facebook page. It is hilarious! Kids! She really thinks she is somebody.  You know who her mom was right?  Yea the one that went to prison for hot checks.  She is so pitiful!

I watch these two women both very plucked, tucked, wearing designer clothes, covered in make-up and costume jewelry buried in a cloud of perfume and I think to myself I wonder what battles you two are fighting.  I wonder what is going on in your lives that you need someone to talk to about, but you are too afraid to be judged.  I stop and feel very sorry for the woman who they were discussing, but at the same time I was pretty sure had the roles been reversed she would have been just as happy to talk about one of the two remaining women.  Despite their attempts to superficially cover up all their physical and spiritual flaws, these two ladies spirits oozed unhappiness and unrighteousness.  It made me examine myself.  It made me question why we are all putting on this big ole show.

I am sitting in class working very hard on my school work.  I take a break and briefly look up.  My teacher is looking at me with concern on her face. She looks…sad?  I look down and notice my shirt has gaped open and is sliding down the front of my chest.  I couldn’t find any clean clothes this morning so I found one of my mother’s smaller shirts and out it on.  This seemed like a reasonable solution to an elementary aged child.  I dropped my pencil, sat up, pulled my shirt up and felt the fabric slide low on my shoulder blades.  The cool air hit my upper back.  I felt a chill.  I looked back at her, cheeks red.  She smiled back at me.    This moment was one of the many I would experience as a child who people looked down upon, pitied, but didn’t quite know how to help.  I think this feeling is something that drives people to always be their “best”.  It is certainly the reason I have always felt the need to be perfect.  There is not a more embarrassing feeling than knowing your vulnerabilities, whatever they may be, have been exposed.

“James do I look ok in this? “ I ask hastily as I walk into our living room from the bedroom.” He barely looks from the TV.  “Yup.” He mumbles. “James Allen! Look at me.  Seriously! Does my butt look huge? Is my back fat showing? Dear God I hate my fat back…Honey! Can you see my rolls…are my rolls showing? That is all I need to know…” He looks at me confused, like he needs me to repeat the individual assessment questions individually.  “Baby you look beautiful.  Why are you freaking out?” he ask.  “Because these are the people you work with and I don’t want to embarrass you!” I moan back at him as if he should know this! “Oh, then we are good.  You don’t embarrass me. We have to go. We are going to be late, and that I hate.”  He responds playfully. I sigh.  This is no time to be funny. Why does he always want to be funny! Dang. I finish getting ready and try to cover up the red blotches on my neck. It won’t matter I will turn beet red at the first compliment I get tonight or the first time I start to talk and more than one person listens.   I don’t like what I call “forced social interaction” which is basically interaction with anyone outside my family or close friends.  The reason I don’t like this is because people see you, assess you, and then place judgment on you.  WOMEN ARE THE WORST.  We have to size each other up and make sure that we come out on top of the dog pile at the end of the night.  That one woman will be standing there hair extensions loosing hanging, false eye lashes torn and hanging over one eye, lip stick smudged, high heel broken, dress torn, standing on top of the other women laying down, chest heaving holding onto a big gold trophy that says, “You put on the best show! You are the best!”  

The thing that bothers me the most is this sense of competition and comparison goes deeper. It finds its way into friendships and families.  The need we all have to put on this big production for one another is tearing relationships apart, shoot it is tearing our nation apart. There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when I felt like I needed to compete with everyone.  I never wanted to be the little girl in her mom’s shirt again.  I wanted to be the skinniest, the smartest, the mommiest, :-) and most awesome woman of any women I knew.  I made some stupid financial decisions over this.  I look back now and really laugh at myself.  Luckily my husband is smart enough and honest enough to tell me when I am being a little ridiculous and I have the respect for him to listen.  That is another blog coming soon!  Anyway…as I started to read my bible I had a better understanding of what God expected me to be as a woman, mother, wife, and friend.  There was no place for jealousy which was leading me to be this person I don’t even recognize.  This person who was more focused on me than God.

I look around at people who are robbing themselves, their families, and our country as they spend money they don’t have in order to put on this show, not to mention robbing God.  You know if you can’t make your minimum credit card payments…tithing is not happening. Who are we trying to impress?  What are we trying to accomplish?  You don’t want people to talk badly about you? Well the funny thing is the more you try to impress others out of your insecurities the more insecure you make them feel.  This vicious cycle ends in everyone hating each other and no one reaching out loving and supporting one another the way God intended.  At the end of the day what you are doing is putting a big ole gossip target on your back! So stop, remember that you are a child of God who gave you specific instructions on who he wanted you to be.  You have no one to impress but him.  I assure you the best thing you will ever put on is a peaceful spirit that sets you apart from this world.

So what does God say I need to be?

1 Peter 3:3-6 ESV

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Proverbs 31:20 ESV

She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.

Isaiah 58:11 ESV  

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

1 Peter 3:15 ESV

 But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,

 THE ENTIRE PROVERBS 31! :))

These are a few of my favorite, but there are many many more…